now in cville

slogging on, since the future is the only thing ahead.  its been pretty days in virginia, crisp in the morning and evenings, pleasantly warm during the day.  sunday was lovely, stumbled upon a seeds shift and enjoyed that singular experience of doing shared rote work with people i may or may not know and the way it fosters conversation and connection.  fun to enjoy my celebrity status as x-oaker, x-woodfolker, vulgar bulgar, x-alexander houser, x-partner of sky. whole lotta cred that doesn't get me much anywhere else.  even got a little massage gig out of it!  now in cville, seeing more more more people.....trying to find new, exciting ways to talk about my life.

cleaning up the last vestiges of alexander house, angel stopping by and her sky and i having a moment of closure laughing at lun and us and this crazy thing we did how the heck did we even run this business.  driving with sky.  talks.  yeaaarning so damn hard.  that comfort home happy feeling just doesn't happen anymore.  he lives his life so big.  i want that person in my life.

the last drive to robert and thea's, hearing all the nitty gritty and feeling my guts just turnover everything breaking nothing to do no way to stop it.  nothing.  wanting so bad to hold on and knowing that and in that moment just throwing it all into the "this one's for the future" bucket.  i want this person in my life and all i can do to get there is keep walking away.  keep feeling the pain.  keep swallowing and crying.

months ago in a conversation with marta about my lack of friends in gville she asked if i really wanted friends.  and i'm getting that on some level i don't--i don't want it to work in gainesville.  i don't want to go through this whole thing again of having friends and joy and a life and then leaving it all.  much easier to just not have it.

and i'm so lucky--so lucky that sunday morning at the peak fear meltdown kathryn walked in and just let me cry.  that i get to hang out w/goofy friends and gig a wedding and eat delicious corned beef and tiramisu.   ezra saying that he noticed my rhythmic stuff and it was fun to play off, drinking pelegrinos.  nina's face and goofy smile.  sky sharing his pie while busking.  heading out on a super shmancy road bike down lazy virginia backroads, hay bales and puffy clouds.  dining on giant piles of watermelon. delicious butternut pear soup, thea and elsa asking about my life, laughing and crying and going through boxes.  flame treating me to himalayan buffet, raspberry lemon muffin for breakfast, the easeful familiarity of cville.  leaving my fiddle in trusted hands for overdue repairs.

so far, so bumpy, so smooth.  so far, so good. so far, here's to the halfway mark. 

back

Back at twin oaks after nearly a year.  stepping into the courtyard and feeling the radical shift in bio-region wash over me; these woods are soft and sweet and soothing, a welcome change from florida's actively hostile environment. yesterday, up at 3am, on the road at 5, in the air at 9, lunch at 12, james river at 3, dinner at 7, band practice at 7 30, bed at 11.....and today i feel exhausted from  day filled with more human interactions than probably the last month combined.  also buffeted by the unrelenting memories flooding over me.  data overload.

my body is working overtime trying to process it all after a years worth of hibernation.  a promising talk with sky.  yummy food.  many babies.  hugs, chats.   exhaustion exhaustion exhaustion.  confusion.  overwhelm.  delicious clean drinking water.  explanations of plumbing systems installed.  many details.  trying to explain my life in a few words. tired of smiling pleasantly.  tired.  

that kind of week--welcome home!

apologies for the continual self-pitying solipsistic tone of this blog.  there is much to be grateful
for.  and right now, this is the kind of week this is

message from spain

1.  my fiddle's A string is unravelling
2. someone pulls out a stop sign outside my workplace in order to steal my bicycle
3.  upon waking up this morning, my housemates accuse me of being a liar
4. my other housemate is mad at me and not speaking to me because she threw away my giant container of veganaise while i was traveling. she is angry that i asked her to in the future, check with me before throwing away things with my name on them
5. i got politely booted from the jazz bandits, due to their already large size as a band

i am so sick of people asking how i am, and then as i start to slowly unfurl into giving an honest, vulnerable answer, walking away.  i am so sick of feeling like a claustrophobic prisoner in my own house.  i am sick of trying to be nice to people who clearly do not give 2 shits about me.  i'm sick of stupid arguments, emotional penalties, games with people who just don't care.

returning from spain, i am holding open many questions.  and also little tolerance for the BS masquerading as my life that blocks my own real aliveness and the things that truly matter.  we will all be dust in the blink of an eye, why to waste this precious store of life-ness!

p.s. housemate #1 just apologized for being feisty.  

dissolving

Artwork by Larry Vienneau Jr

this week was just, going going going, girls rock camp alldayeverday.  full long days.  some satisfying. some utterly demoralizing.  one day i woke up from bad dreams so happy to be alive and not dreaming.  the next, woke with dread at another day with these girls.  the best moments came frequently.  dissolving on the back porch w/KY delivering the wisdom.  Ali cooking us a fancy fish dinner.  Tessa's rockstar moves.  meditation class with the girls, reconnecting to this practice and watching the deep impact even a tiny dose can have, the girls sharing their vulnerability.  feeling a part of something way bigger and more powerful than me.  and there's a strong pull inside to take myself away, tell myself i'm not a part, don't belong.

today the waves of sadness came crashing in--at not being a part of twin oaks where so much of my identity remains.  at not being partnered with sky, my own personal super-hero.  being connected to him meant i was somebody who was doing meaningful things in the world.  so who am i now?  

now, just a floater.  it hurts to feel the formation of layers of identity, as they crust over like cooled soup.  stronger than liquid but not by much and one small poke reveals the fluid past undulating just below.  grieving allows for release of loss.  i hope i hope i hope, stumbling forward.

i have been falling into some sick-mind patterns lately.  reaching hard for something to fill the emptyness left from losing all of my friends.  the emptyness just below the surface this face trying to hide it. this week all i want to do is go back home, stop talking to people i don't know who don't know me.  stop. trying.  so hard all the time.

today at church, dar turned to me with her kind, all-knowing eyes and said "i see you're starting to come every week" and i almost dissolved.  ach, to be seen.  to be noticed, my presence taken note of and appreciated.  that place is becoming important, the one time in the week when i truly exhale and feel welcomed.

i have felt so worn down the last few days, just physically broken.  i think its the sheer volume of external stimulation, because i'm finally getting plenty of sleep.

i want to end on a positive note, but i guess its just not in me.  its hard watching that world up there move forward without me, while my own little world still shifts beneath my feet as i blindly grasp for grounding.

gratefulness list:
endless blueberries
connecting more with my housemates
music
um, i'm going to spain
new job with free unlimited network chiropractic
new massage client who prefers gentle work
beautiful, affordable massage office
music. music. music
people who adore me
eating fresh seasonal food
people who adore me all over the world
friends who give goodbye gifts of soap
the space to feel sad
dancing
united church of gainesville
raspberries
AC
afternoon rainstorms
banana butterscotch bourbon blondies
laughter
striped tights
moments of grace

more lists

there has been so much abundance in my life of late that there is no time to blog about it.  highlights:

*waking up to a pan of homemade enchiladas and 5 lbs of organic ripe blueberries in the fridge with my name on them

*an entire day spent at the beautiful prairie creek lodge, hazy sun, sipping beers, meandering through the woodsy natural burial cemetery with sweet friends, lolling listening to music.  "can i buy you a vanilla ice cream?"

*curled up together on the porch papazon at night, drifting in and out of sleep. waking to see you gazing down at me with heavy-lidded care-filled eyes.

*church.  knees touch. sweet gaze.  tears.

*blissfully canoeing around lake wauburg, lounging in the middle seat in a lawn chair, 2 canoes chatting, sun setting.  tunes in the gazebo.  tunes indoors.

*riding bike no hands under the half moon, summer warmth blowing around me

*abandoned blueberry farm, sitting by the lake with bags full of warm sweet berries chatting no time hidden away

*being stopped short in the hallway by a hand on the back of my head that causes my blood to alternately boil and pump wildly, freezing and melting simultaneously

*days of folk fest, meandering lazily and in good company.  eating free shrimp.  hearing music everywhere.  dancing dancing dancing.  midnight skinny dip under the moon and electric heat rising off of every surface

*skies opening and rain pouring, stuck on a porch with the blue sky peeking through

*catching eyes across a roomful of dancing people at GODS contra dance.  laser.

*securing an awesome new massage office; landlord hugs me.  amazing job offer that includes unlimited free network chiropractic.  standing job offer at siembra.

*fridge full to bursting of delicious local organic veggies

*friends who want to massage me

*amazing key lime pie on a rainy saturday, laughing and laughing at cards against humanity and celebrity

*raspberries.  melons.  papaya.  BLUEBERRIES.  

no more waiting for godot

i want to run pell-mell away from this stupid inexplicable city where people go for drinks and everything is multi-layered and requires cultural literacy and interpretation.  i'm so norm corps i don't even know what it is and i fucking hate this stupid, insane complexity.  i'm begging for simplicity here, where the thing you say is the deepest truth available and you take it from there.  i don't have the time, patience, or the brain power for these games that i always lose anyway.  so tired.  probably those 5 hours of sleep aren't helping either.

how the hell do i carve out a bit of normal for myself in this?  what is friendship where you never see the friend?  taking a break from the alcy def seems like it would help.  and a narrowing narrowing down to a few that i can trust because man, it feels so shitty to be around people i don't trust.  tears well up when i think about home where people care about me and respect me enough to just be honest for fuck's sake.

dreaming all night about all of this and yeah already i'm starting to put HER on a fucking pedestal like that will help anything.  brain working overtime and into the night trying to work the problem.  man i miss sky.  and gpaul.  and calvin.  and misty.  and kate.  and kristina.  and angel.  and wendy.  michele, ro, marta.  god fucking dammit.  i hate this place sometimes, the headaches it gives me.  and here totally indulging in my victimhood, the way it forces my hand into these shitty addictive loops.


its also amazing living with chelsea and getting inspired by her summer dog days--practicing different instruments, baking, gardening, reading.  that is a life i want.  feels like maybe more narrowly subscribing my days and my interactions with people is in the cards.  thing 1 and thing 2 here at the house; i am just fed up.  you are amazing people and right now my emotional resilience cannot bear to deal with navigating your treacherous emotional labyrinths.


need to escape to the inside, to the still quiet nest of solitude and peace and SANITY.  i need stronger barriers right now, and a settling.  a settling inside.  a sifting and quieting.  its time to stop taking in new inputs, time for integration and weeding out.  simplifying.  and dealing with the addiction.  so tired of the reaching towards those who are not reaching back.  can feel my guts all distended and exposed, stretched out and sullied from the exposure to the elements.  road grit.  cat hairs.

my head hurts so much i can't even see straight and still i push myself.  time for the unwinding.  the undoing.  the unmaking.  the batting down for summer, curling in on myself exoskeleton out.

i can feel myself desperately reaching for that one in my head, a life raft out of this toxic sludge stream.  but that cannot be.  the only direction to unwind now is inside; nothing to say until this little ball of fear and hatred is a little less calcified, a little more spacious.  until there's a little more room for breath to wend its way through.

so tired of forcing myself to reach out and trust complete fucking strangers.  yes, they've been very gracious but now i want only my own gentle, knowing comfort.  time to stop waiting for someone to hold me and know and just do it for my own damn self.  

space

waaaanttting.....is a good feeling.  i forget that, the sweet sweet torture of not getting what you want forces the joy of it to the surface.  and when i do get what i want it often already tastes slightly stale.  even figuring out what i want is a trick i have not yet mastered.

and, i do feel slightly boxed in by my life, and mystified as to how it fills up so solidly.

why is flirting so fun?  i think its something about the certainty and moment of shared intimacy, clear and wordless.

kalpesh began my unwinding process last night in class, the most key component being




                              S             P             A              C                  E


and i am striving to grant myself (and those around me) this beautiful gift.  a breath.  a pause.  a gap.

and experience the wanting without the having.  

guess who is the florida state fiddle champ, contemporary category?!!?!?

that's right, NBD.........

something about me and the way i relate drives people to continually break up and then get back together with me.  yes, it happened again, friday afternoon just prior to the florida folk fest.  he tried on the phone first which i immediately aborted.  who the fuck does that?  then meditated, agitated and vibrating w/thoughts and arguments flying through my head.  he came over and there ensued several hours of dramatic wrenching conversation, stilted and jerky, punctuated by sobs and stormings about (me) and stoic staring silences (both of us).  oh, the drama.  the intrigue.  did i mention, the drama.  i felt frustrated at this stupid pattern i seem to be stuck in of repeatedly getting broken up with.

just chatted w/sky for the first time in a month or so--online but still.  what a HUGE relief, god it feels so good.  i hate losing friends.  and nice to pick his brain a bit about how the f do you do this breakup process anyway!  he did say that if he met someone, he'd go for it w/o waiting, so that was slightly comforting.  and that he didn't miss me, he missed being in a relationship.  also comforting.  in a weird way.  and told me about potential possible new romance which is awesome and could be so super perfect; i immediately started imagining prisa lenta + her plus me and JD.  oh, my, goodness would i love that.

i mean dang i just miss my friend.  bleh.

more on all that, later.

now, to bed.  

life=weird, wild, beautiful

out in the siembra bean rows friday listening to david whyte and hit suddenly with the tidal wave of remembering kristen's comments at graduation.  "no matter what happens, remember that you are held--not just by your friends and family or community though hopefully by them as well, but by THIS, by wild and precious life!"

i had forgotten.  i had fallen into the rut of struggle and striving to make it all work by myself, slogging upstream hopelessly.

no, i DON'T have to know or understand or get it.  just trust that something has a handle and is making it all happen way more awesomely than i ever could.  

i had inklings, but couldn't have predicted the dark and smoldering sweetness that unfolded last night.  first, just cuddling, me in just friend mode.  no expectations.  cuddling cuddling cuddling.  which, really, does it get any better?  then little kisses being delivered like presents, all over my head and neck.  still holding my ground.  then, the sweetest, softest, electric stroking around my face.  so gentle.  so delicate.  slowly electrifying my entire body.  then gentle, innocent mouth kisses.  should probably stop here before this gets really inappropriate.  but oh the perfection of that night, of receiving without an agenda or expectation, without pressure either direction.  and watching the deep well of passion crack open and heave forth mightily and oh oh oh so sweetly.  those eyes deep and warm, peering at me so openly; bottomless pools to swim in.  that one hard pinch, the brazenness and unabashedness of it warming me.  softly muttered "fuck" before another onslaught of passionate sweetness.  sweet grunts of satisfaction a gentle pulse punctuating the night.  weight, given and received.  inescapable kissing loops.  electricity ravaging my body until i have to push away, only to return again to warm cuddlyness.
i want to keep replaying it all.  and i have to just let go and let be.  not make it anything.  i have to believe this was only possible because of my own internal shift towards clarity--that i'm in a process of mourning and grieving and letting go of sky.  now that i finally have time for such things.  that i need allow myself to feel sad and alone and on my own when those feelings come up and i don't know what else but i've been praying for clarity and understanding to aid me in this process.  

moving

of late i have been waking up at 5 am, or 5 30, just ready to be alive and awake.  more living that i want to do.  mom just told me that her and dana are splitting up--its been...gosh probably 10 years!  i got the sense that it was his choice.  its shocking but also relieving.  i'm happy to be able to go home now--because that's it in part, why i never go back there.  that's not my home.  but mom is home.  and downtown houghton is def home.  she has so much support, and is trained in dealing with this sort of stuff still....OUCH.

so yesterday.  one of those days that makes me not want to blog because everything's so damned ridiculously blessed feeling.  busking at the haile farmer's market--getting paid to sit around in the street and play easy fun irish and old time music.  one lady vender gave us some absurdly delicious cookies, another, chocolate.  people stopped by to chat and take our card.  got a huge load of veggies after, and a bit of cash.  dappled sun filtering through the trees and clouds, perfect temperature, people-and-dog watching, jammin' w/katrina.  then an efficient stop at home and on to the vets for peace gig w/jd.  playing there i mean really, just sharing.  then back.  electricity.

can still feel rough thumb dragged across my lower lip lighting up my whole body.  and immediately after my own innards shifting into release and then a new questioning, movement, caution, backtrack.

girls rock camp training--i'm getting so excited!!!  such an awesome group of amazing women, and such an awesome opportunity!  loving and appreciating...and perhaps most important, starting to deepen my understanding of my housemates.  such an intense way to get to know people, such a gift really.  to get to see all the gnarly bits--nobody sees that stuff.

and still stepping forward bit by bit, moving into this new career thing with nervousness and excitement.

and today,  the beach.

sometimes the universe gives me what i want before i'm even quite sure what to ask for.  loving everything with bursting heart and spine tingles.  

lately my drug of choice is

running.


at some point in nearly every day, i give over the computer addiction, throw on shorts and sneakers, take the ipod with, of late, this.

as soon as my body is moving, i can feel the stupid press of thoughts start to fade to the background, feet pounding concrete.  moving, moving moving and escaping the incessant BS of my brain.  feeling tired now of all the things that are BS, patience only for the simple clear things.  after there's a clarity and ease in my body and brain that is becoming addicting.  all the naggy little things just don't matter, and my body feels strong and capable of dealing with whatever is coming at me.

i really just want to be dancing it all away.

getting the 2 week itch.....still feels like an unsteady place things are in but perhaps that isn't true.  its all kind of dumb, everything that isn't easy i suppose.

still plugging on.

still, wanting.

why is it always LATE?

and again, accepting that i've lost everything, and allowing myself to sink down into the darkness.
still my thrashing limbs, give in to gravity and just

faaaaaaaaaaaaaaall

deep
inside

to the nothingness that i so fight and fear.

ridiculous since it has me by the neck regardless

as well this relentless shouting in my gut that will not be ignored, driving driving driving

noise coming in from all corners, and loudest of all from this stinkin' cranium i seem to be quite stuck with

and what if the soft animal of my body wants to love what it can't have?  shriveling here, sinking inside as the world outside continues to disappoint, abandon, neglect, deny.

still and all there is lot of good, blah blah blah.  this wanting is a tiring business.  too much now for this weary one; time to snatch down the curtain between sleep and wakefulness and turn over this overtaxed  little consciousness for now

dream

on a 10 day meditation course, nathan is manager.  for some reason, we take a trip into town on some bus.  dad is there too.  it gets late, we are in houghton/charlottesville and my bike is there downtown.  crazy flooding rain.  its 11pm and going back the center now means going to sleep late and waking up at 4 for the last day and i've only been sleeping 5 hours/night and i'm so tired.  so exhausted.  i talk to nate, tell him look my bike's right here i've not been sleeping by the time the bus gets home etc etc.  i just want to sleep.  would it be ok if.....i just biked home now and slept in my bed, then start again tomorrow?

he uses every tactic possible to say no--humor, strictness, shame, disdain.  i get intense and stubborn and make it clear that its my choice and even though i'm asking its really up to me.  and why is it so important to him anyway that he's getting so reactive, in his head what does it mean about him if i don't go back to the center that night.  he laughs acknowledgment.  leans in and rubs his rough shaved cheek against mine, sensually, alighting my body.  one more little move that lights up my entire body and then continues on w/gathering the people for the return trip.  i go off and explore the new ice cream parlor that put karma kream out of business--interesting fancy creative flavors that look delicious.  i come out, yes, i will go back even though its late.  because what is more important really than the work, the work of dealing, the work of practicing dealing with things i don't like and don't want.  certainly not an imagined good nights sleep.  my demands and frozen attachment melt and yes i will go back.  

and, upside down, again

a mere 24 hours, less, and once again all that was up is down and vice versa.  i must learn to live this feeling of unease, yes, but apparently i'm not learning very fast.

a little numbed out now at the sheer overwhelm of emotional things happening.  my emotional body can't keep up with the pace and has checked out, trusting that the rest will somehow take care.

i guess my desires and intentions are the same as for last night--to be nurtured.  but really, now, i just want to be alone.  just feel tired of people.  people disappointing, people that don't know me, talking on that skin deep layer that is so dissatisfying.  right now i crave my own quiet company, but somehow i seem to have left the building.  so much outward focus that i can't even find myself and THAT is a very lonely feeling.  how can so much happen in the span of just one week?

and the parallels are striking, disturbing.  stop this ride please because i want to get off.

taken by the night

i hate this feeling, and i can see why he takes every precaution to keep me from feeling it.  so far, no solutions.  so far, everything perfect.  so far, lost my keys tonight, lost myself tonight on the dance floor, lost my self tonight, biking home solitary 3 30 am keyless in gainesville.

my head hurts a bit at all the balancing; hence, i suppose, the need for alcohol.  hard to believe she was sincere, and that its not just another stupid competition.  why do i so want someone in my bed?  my own company is so delightful, and, so grounding.  peaceful.  calm.  my room is a cradling nest, helping me hold all the wildness that is happening around and inside me.  its a stupid game.  too many stupid games.  i'm tired and want only

melting.

tired and don't even know what i want.

some things, i do know: csokolom.  the sound of a cello.   papaya.  that smile.  dancing.  being touched and touching.  the verdant smell of tomato plants lingering on my fingertips.  releasing into contact.  aloneness.

surprisingly unsad talking with sky today.  feeling the housemate love growing.

and, there are so many moments of extreme rightness.  "come, let's explore"--a command, not a question, and what a relief to not be questioned but commanded.  sharing kisses.  letting my body be taken.  looking for images, finding them through the lens.  the feeling of a shoulder beneath my head.  being held by arm and cello.  biking home slowly no hands sweet night air.  feeling little worry at the absence of my keys.

and now, the only thing left--releasing into sweet sweet slumber.  perhaps i will visit you in my dreams and fulfill my desires there.  

more of the same treacle, blah blah blah

amazing how not doing can feel just as if not exceedingly more than the doing.  drenched in sensation, my whole body vibrating with the not-doingness, turned back on itself til every cell is so fully alive, charged, vibrating at top velocity.  looks become a plunge into the deepest pool, to the depth of soul and heart. a smile drenched with significance, meaning, paragraphs, pages.  a leaf containing the enormity of the feelings that rattle around inside my body, unmet, unexpressed except through these minute expressions and exchanges.

why dissemble everything i offer into its crude parts?  is this the inevitable fate of an engineer?  and what really is it that i want?  only melting into contact, allowing release through skin and bone.  is it possible the ridiculous insatiable beast of torridness within can be satiated so simply?

focussing on--letting this life energy run through me and out.  releasing the thoughts as ridiculous constructs of my sleep-deprived brain.

let go kassia.  let. it. go.  who the fuck cares anyway right?  the only life to live is the one presenting itself to me, may as well choose to want what i can have instead of being jerked around by this craven bottomless wanting.  a misery, and a torture.  life, you, are making it easy on me; no decision to make, thank god.  you see where that got kathryn.  instead, only more crap to let go of, fewer thoughts to think, less feelings to feel.  somehow this ping pong game lures me ever back but seriously, enough.  i have no control.  it is out of my hands.  there is only : music, work, play, aliveness, and letting go.

i am mad at myself but at the same time oh, the deliciousness of wallowing in a sea of love vibrations.

also, over it and ready for more realness.  

back

and..........



                        SLAM

back again, here.  stupid, staring, heaving.  this really has been the lightening round, this chapter.  just thrown in my face again and again, panting and breath barely caught from the last round and again again again walking straight back into that plateglass wall knowing full well what i will be met with.

watched myself do it on the course.  EXACTLY the same as the last one except that the last one i was still stupid enough to take it seriously.

merrygoround spinning faster and faster and yes i wanna puke and NO i don't wanna get off yet.  so much karma to work out or sankara's that just woooon't leeeeeet go cuz baby i am watching myself prepare to dive straight back into the same flaming pit, slam into that wall, drop through that trapdoor.

just can't get enough til i can't i guess.  no sympathy for me, because it is only my weakness that brings me here, my greed, my attachment my seemingly unquenchable desire.

.........and now that i think about it.........this IS the first time in so many years that i have complete freedom and autonomy to follow these desires with a minimal amount of complexity/work/grief/processing required.  so by gum i'm gonna enjoy the shit out of it, and suffer the consequences like nobodies business relishing and reveling in every moment til this gypsy heart breaks from the fullness and is ready to settle down and follow some sila.  

returning, resetting, renewing

and so i'm back.

back in the land of speaking.  i've never had so many people ask me if it feels good to talk again!  which is sweet and i love that they remember that i went off to do this very strange thing and are considering what it might feel like to return.

this course.  felt.  so.  good.  it had been over a year and a half, the longest i've gone in probably 10-12 years w/o sitting a course.  i was so ready.  i even had some perks, being the most senior female student on the course: my own room, with a bathroom, and a meditation cell right in the room.  it all helped with my already pretty strong desire to

just

dive

dooooooown.


Some highlights:

--realizing, son is probably not mad at me (huge release relief)

--developing a sweet, sometimes even sassy, inner voice that cajoled me into practicing when i didn't want to.  gentle, persistent, loving.

--clarity about what i'm looking for in terms of intimate relationships right now

[LOVEPOD!]

....etc......

and i arrived back on sunday right into the fray and madness.  crazy 4/20 party w/band roulette performances swirling, holding on to E with my eyes and core as a raft amidst the madness of beer, bbq
and bong hits

a perhaps ill-advised impromptu sleepover

monday epic bike ride through industrial NW gville to the internships.....started at the gym...then a bit of rest and recovery at home, making juice w/the ali and then meeting E for a late nighttime walk parksit finally releasing into contact and that face holy hotdog glowing down at me under the streetlights

tuesday, pitstop at the bakery and sweet cookie gift from kyla, to The Office for the Internship....learning all kinds of useful stuff and piddling and working on gerald....home for brief rest then off to orthobionomy class omg blow my mind and heart wideopen and to dirty fist show +awesome macedonian rock band.  just enjoying myself and rocking out and enjoying those sweet people...

wednesday, up and out early to siembra....picking peas for hours under the bright blue sky, so happy to be out feet dirty face tilted towards the sun til that familiar physical exhaustion daze sets in better than any drug.  home....rest....busk at market.

it has been a bit of a marathon.  a marathon of goodness.

i'm grateful for the moments when i feel an underlying ease enter into the hecticness, or a slightly less frantic clinging to the usual things that i cling to....

and i feel this new flame starting to take hold.  just seeing that smile makes me happy.  wanting to be close.  fighting it all, calming myself down, slowing myself down to stay present, aware, connected.  i can feel those deep firm tugs at the reins inside myself wanting desperately to take the well-travelled route and so far, success at resisting and forging a new path

.  

on the edge

packing.

clothes in piles, choosing the simplest and most comfortable.  plain.

feeling my bodymind slow slow sloooow down.  feel the complexity of life gently sift and settle.  into the sensation of air on my skin.  the brush of hair on my neck.  nora singing slow, sweet. housemate exchange, drenched in love.  feeling that a lot lately; love pressing in from all sides. swallowing and breathing it hits me like a train and i have to sob briefly into the plain, black skirt i am in the middle of folding.

my life

has changed


so much.

i have been graced with

so

much

it chokes my breath off, to let that in.  drifting into the living room, perching with the cats

again it presses around, the gentle delicate loveliness of (my) life

sinking into the beauty-drenched world that surrounds me.

the final hurdle

monday.  The Day Of The Test.

I woke up at 6:30 and immediately started doing a practice test to allay my fears (I didn't study enough eeek!).   Eventually I forced myself to stop, stretch, meditate.  more practice tests more more more til i wanted to explode....and outside to bust ass in the garden, furiously weeding and mulching in the blaring sun oh so satisfying.  gogogogogo then inside for a rest and smoothiejuice, back and forth like that til early afternoon when court came over.

at the test--still felt pretty confident and walked out got the paper 809 BAM NAILED IT.  flooded with relief, joy, excitement, pride and LETTING GO of needing to hold onto anything now, in the river and flowing forward.  called a few people and texted my excitement......

then to paul's w/court, hookahing and dissolving into that giant comfy chair, kittenized.  that feeling of not needing to do be anything but riiiight heeeere.

eventually, after many hours pulled a kassia and slipped quietly out the door and into the night, walking, sifting sorting.  letting the convo w/paul settle....have i just  been fundamentally wrong this whole time?  perhaps i actually don't give a shit about him or being friends with him...novel concept.  and liberating.  walking barefoot and loving the night wrapped around me gentle and tree filled.  downtown found the little benches built into the outside of popatop.  nestled and continued sifting, sorting, watching, unwinding.  felt good to let the tightness of 6 months unleash and flow out.

went inside eventually, and A's co-worker was putting away pastries.  one of those amazing moments where just as i'm realizing i never ate dinner, dude looks at me over a pile of pastries and says "do you want to take home these chocolate croissants that i'm going to throw away?"......ummmmm....YES!!! over the next 10 minutes i collect 6 chocolate croissants (devouring 2 immediately), a ton of bagels and a tofu pesto sandwich.  joy!!!  A finally gets off just as the rain is starting and rides me home on his bike.  at this point i am just wide open, so happy, peaceful, present.  not having to be anywhere or do anything ever again.  not needing anything.  COMPLETE.  

city of romance

i really love my life in Gainesville.  one of my favorite aspects is the romance of the city.  i think i've had more romantic moments here in these 6 months then my whole life....here's some highlights.

1.  sneaking off at school to the little wooded glen to steal some kisses between class...making out in the parking lot, leaning against the truck

2.  being ridden home from satchell's pizza, moonlit warm march night sitting nestled on the bike's crossbars, shreaking into the night.

3.  evening stroll with sweet company through the duckpond neighborhood, slivery slice of moon dangling over the water spanish moss hanging low barefeet dangled...by the thomas center fountain lying down with flowers in my hair

4.  sitting on the porch w/sweet friend, watching the storm roll in then dancing through the streets/drops downtown for art and dinner

5. beautiful outdoor cello concert at the thomas center lawn, picnic of baguette goat cheese mushrooms wine, sun setting

graduation

Final Circle!

i woke up friday feeling destroyed from the week of little sleep and night of emotional badness. and nervous about the day; friends and skit and public speaking oh my.  courtney told me "its gonna be perfect" so i went with that.  had a nice, sweet, calming meditation then biked down to school for the final circle, practicing my little speech outloud, writing it in the air as i pedaled.  had a moment of quiet by the little pond.  then floated into the blue room, and sat intuitively where i'd sat that first day.  a short conversation w/ali, fixing some of the badness that had happened the night before.  shaaaaring.  liiiiistening.

then, back to the house w/courtney, getting dressed trying to eat putting flowers in my hair grabbing salad stuffs and fiddle stuffs and OUT goofy in the car w/loud dance music and as we hit that last stretch before school that feeling descends

COMPLETE PERFECTION

wind and blue sky and loud music and perfect company and flowers and chaos and LIFE

arriving back, families gathering....

Blackfire! 

it begins.  we do our skit and it comes off PERFECT i'm watching maura's face the whole time and her laugh and eyebrows MAKE it.  back to the front row on courntey's lap for more words, introducing selena unprepared nailing it.  speaking my own words of gratitude NAILED IT.  new class comes up en masse this whole freakin crew of sweet beautiful folks surrounding us.  certificates handed out, roses, hug line and nearly every teacher saying something awesome about me being a ham, or an amazing public speaker.  making sure they know i'm not gone!  flowers from the new class, miiillling about, flowers in hand still barefoot

potluck, back field w/arthur, E and ali is one of those moments where you just don't wanna be anywhere else, my fave people all together smart and funny and so good.  playin on the hammock.  wine, kumkuats, laughs about bowfish blackfire blackfish bowfire etc.  hand hugging.  finally leaving w/the boys, home to meditate then on to the vine still barefoot and in my grad dress.  playyying so fun, and the teachers show up too.  made a bit of dough, decided we'll record before arthur splits....

then a long, sweet, romantic walk w/E through the duck pond, floating in barefeet and white dress under the moonlight surrounded by frogs and night.  broke his heart as gently as possible.  sat on the wall over the water, by the fountain, teetering on the walls bumping tiny bits at moments.  home late

then drunken (her not me) online chatting w/courtney, more good convos w/ali, telling the whole ridiculous saga to gpaul and finally COLLAPSING  in utter exhaustion

a massage therapist with sweet friends and a bright, wide open future

this shit's for real

i was having major inertia issues this afternoon, after a leisurely hydro afternoon w/a rose petal wish ceremony, sauna, hottub, coldtub, smoothies and lolling on the grass making eyes with THAT one (yes, you ma'am).

but i finally kicked my butt onto my bike well after 5pm, fiddle on back and pedaled myself down to the wednesday farmer's market.  to busk.  while there, these things happened:

--confirmed friday night gig at vine and found out about a vid of our last show posted in fb
--set up an interview for a job w/the compost bike folks
--made arrangements w/the the farm i've been volunteering at for a weekly 5 hr shift in exchange for CSA share
--ran into my favorite clinic client who told me to give him a call once i'm liscenced
--ran into bob freeman who took my card and offered to talk to the women's center about hiring blackfire to play at weddings, and also suggested that i talk to the woman at the thomas center about the same
--heard from joe courter that rad press coffee shop is looking for more folks to join the collective
--invited lots of folks to our friday night show at vine, and a few to graduation
--earned $14+$1marketmoney

finally put my baby basils in the ground, poor l'il things i hope they survive.  and it looks like a trip to austin may be in the works sometime this year......

now, to band roulette practice.  obamacore?  food fetishes?  

coming to an end/beginning

its 4:30 in the morning and i just woke up feeling so good and happy.  yesterday was just delightful from start to finish.  in the morning i gave courtney a massage while paul observed--multiple levels of awesome happening there.  Giving the massage was super satisfying.  they've been way less frequent since the end  of clinic and i've been giving myself some space to take it easy, let things stew and synthesize.  turns out that wasn't BS! once again; giving massage felt even more....calm, easy, clear.  easy to integrate more of the bajillion elements of an awesome and effective massage that have been shared with me, pounded into me, gifted me over these last 6 months.

and really boiling down to: just being in the tissue.  being with the tissue and at its service for the entire hour.  THAT felt so much easier, and less like i was fighting with myself to be there.  paul loved watching it too and had such awesome things to say.  and yes, i'm terrified of jinxing it but some part of me is starting to relax again, the part that clenched when he and i stopped being friends.  a giddy, goofy, little kid part of me that just digs that kid.

ready for the prairie....

at lunch time we rehearsed the skit; again, such a delight to get to do such fun things w/such fun people.  after lunch, we loaded up the cars to head out for an afternoon on the prairie. loaded up my bike and body w/paul g, ali, kershta, rachel.  omg such PURE delight.  seriously can't think of a better carloadfull of fun familyness adventure time.  even partook in the herbal remedies that were being shared.....ok mixed feelings on that and, FUN, good feeling, awesomeness.

personally i just left mine in the car....

and then walking, for hours, out on the prairie.  in the sun.  feeling my body syncing up with the earth's rythms and the letting it  wrap itself around me filling my pores and my soul with resonance and wholeness til there is no feeling of separation.  feet bare and in the mud.  legs mussplattered. dress held above the cool puddles of water. simple, unexotic, earthy goodness.

 so many conversations too.  finally started trying to say more to C, liz came and started that inevitable convo.  antoine saying yes, he'll do the dirty dancing toss on the way up to get certificated.  jessay talking to me--a bit rough but good.  i don't like feeling so shut down and guarded, i'm not sure i've ever felt so open to someone and then so closed and its not where i want to be.  hopefully the beginning of some healing there.....so many gators, wild horses, sun sun sun, c and r in their adorable hats, carrying sweet trish on my back through the puddle, flowers and mud and earth and sky and birds and beauty.



carride back was rushed and so a good bittersweet reminder of where we are heading, after the utterly timeless prairie afternoon.  this. is. coming. to. a close.  this is such a unique and special time.  there is nothing like this---feeling really how despite everything, these people love me so much.  every single one.  i could ask any of them just about anything and the would say yes.  even those i barely know; that is so so so special.

GATOR!!!

...wild horses....

i can feel the time after creeping in; thinking of jobs and independence and people staying or going and wondering wondering wondering and NO, i'm not ready for all that so you'll just have to chill out there in futurelandia because right now there is only here. now.  here.  now.  pure.  unadulterated.  SWEETNESS.  to be savored so deeply and with no regret.

...couldn't drag me away....

coming home Arthur came over to help me with my bike and it was housemate land and just sweet homeness feeling like a dirty feral stoned hippie.  sitting. sitting. sitting; so sweet.  then off to reddick for the fiona bas gig--E and chelsea in the car, fascinating conversation about the nature of being an artist/musician, different kinds of music...etc......feeling that same safe capsule feeling--in this tiny vehicle with these people, there is nowhere else i'd rather be.

and the ocala jocky club....giant huge open windowed lodge w/a  fire burning in the center, setting up in front of the giant wrap around floor to ceiling windows looking west and playing irish and old time music with front row seats on the sunset.  soaring over and bouncing off of that delicious cello next to me--pure pure delight.  heart soaring a bit too chatting w/E inbetween sets, that feeling of wanting to share everything in my head and heart with this person who understands and wants to understand and is so kind and has such sweet eye twinkles.  after, sitting on the porch w/chelsea chatting...telling jason i wanted to come bike touring in eastern europe with him....and finally confessing to E, sweetness of that easy clear direct convo--THIS, and hearing it reflected back received easily and reciprocated complete w/more eye twinkles....driving home.....eventually bed.....

date!

ok fine yes its sad.  i feel sad about forming this connection that so far is so sweet and innocent and easy and fun.

last night we had a date night--he came by the house and we sat on the porch for a spell, watching the rain come in and not kissing.  eventually we walked downtown, me in rainboots and through the drops, to the Wooly for the art opening.  it was packed and full of lots of different arts....he bought me a drink....we looked at the art and ran into everybody we knew (more him of course but some for me too) and then got paged for our table at the Top next door.  packed and noisy we found our little table for 2, ordered udon noodles w/ pork belly (whaaaaat) and some kind of fancy chicken....and corn nuggets.....chatting and eating deliciousness, helloing to more people.  eventually ali and lexi came by....we finally finished, when out back to have a drink w/ali (who does this stuff?? not me at least not so far...so adult feeling or mainstream or something but i like it).  then we walked back home for dancing shoes, sat another spell on the porch with chelseax2 and kentucky, reminiscing dirty fist days and chatting, drinking pbr........then back downtown to the atlantic for dancing....another drink.......hemming and hawing and then cutting it up on the dance floor, suuper fun......another drink these ones were pretty strong.....walking home finally.....and then rolling and playing and sweetness and finally sleep.....waking this morning for another round, then potato collard omlette out on the porch....some hanging about and then i gave him  a massage....which turned into round 3.....and then packing up bags, to flacos for sandwiches and volta for homework time.

what is this???? so sweet and easy and fun and pleasant and i'll probably never see him again by the end of the summer.  trying not to imagine the things.....and just let it be and also not wanting to set myself up for more hurt.  

pit

that precarious moment, balanced between the plunge and....the abyss....6days and a wake up frank said today.  i'm t.e.r.r.i.f.i.e.d. standing on the edge of this precipce.  i want it to be in something, to be someone to have a life to feel certain and steady and

i

don't

.

watching myself desperately trying to push into these different worlds, to just be somewhere, someone. terrified of floating away feet gently losing ground until i'm bobbing invisibly above this world and in no world, only watching what i am not a part of.

ezra and mala here is a sweet treat, and hearing all the latest at twin oaks, feeling that yearn to be back home again much as so much of it didn't work so much of it does and that feeling of home

ease

being seen and known

i feel fatigued with the effort of trying to be someone, of working to be.

just

tired

wanting to swirl into a life that flows around me through me and is me.  instead of constantly beating at the doors of myself trying to be.  instead of me caged inside screaming to be let out and filtered through all the fucking bullshit trash that is clogging my head and my heart.

tired.

i just don't want to be alone, i just want people to see me and let love be enough.  i think i'm yearning for a time and place that hasn't yet been or is always being.

also still terrified of myself and my crazy obsessiveness and ability to poison with love.  so called.

and underneath it pema nails it again....

"we also see our strong belief that if only we could do everything right, we'd be able to find a safe, comfortable, and secure place to spend the rest of our lives"--pema chodron

this isn't good

seriously feels like there's an ice pick sticking out of my head right now, being hammered in.  trying to find the reset button on this bodymind....

we went back today in class, back to 6 months before school began now that is 1 whack trip.  i can't really touch much but i remember alot of pain and so much confusion.

now its like a vice, around my temples and the base of my head.  squuueeeeezzzing.

housemate--will it ever get better?

friends--will i have any, ever

brain--will you stop torturing me

i notice that i'm not breathing and then go right back to not breathing.  everything hurts and i can't make it stop.  i can't do anything to make it stop b/c i can't breath and i can't move.

have been drinking lately to numb, that's a red flag.  also for social points, because its so much easier to just be another person who drinks instead of constantly fighting upstream with this goddamn spiritual practice bullshit.  guts are contracting too.  i wish i was a zebra, just shake it off and back to the watering hole.

the body doesn't distinguish between the sabre tooth tiger and the bullshit anxiety i generate apropos of nothing.  so right now, i'm basically being attacked by a saber tooth tiger.  so this is what it feels like.  i hate being around people who require constant social management, a constant flow of words that must be generated.  my neck is being mangled by a sabre tooth tiger.  its cold and rainy outside.  my basil starts are getting awfully leggy.  i want to dissolve into a puddle of goo, or maybe lavender water.  e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g. HURTS

i just want someone to come fix me, prop me up so i can fall without crashing but i guess all there is really (sigh, and again) is enjoy the falling, or at least just let it be that.  crash.  i'm. the. laaaaast

splash.

really now, just one step at a time here.  its trying and wanting to do everything that makes the pot boil over.  gotta scale back and down, starting with.

lie on the floor

roll around on the floor

check the potatoes

cry

breathe.

oh yeah, maybe that one first.  

also i'm tired of feeling terrified of jessay.  really makes me feel kinda physically ill at this point.  i can't escape, feel trapped and stuck and scared and tired.

right, breathing.

oh yeah and potatoes.

crawling

slowly creeping forward in this crazy tandem crush dance and drawn deeper, voices duking it out daily.  desire, overwhelming, pulling me under.  worry, fear doubt, yanking my hand back.  different for each one--the 1st, just the fear of watching the same f'n story play out again, catching myself in the same thoughts sometimes literally as before before and before that.  i don't know how to unplay that tape, how to find a deeper groove that is true and honest--reaching for those things i fall again and again.  in #2, still the doubt of course, the unknown, and a different set of thoughts....am i just using this for my own various nefarious purposes.  hiding from number 1.  hiding from my own pain.  stealing my way into a friendship i don't deserve.   i can feel myself wielding my power all while trying not to.  too many thoughts of course.....just let be let be let be.  doesn't help that my practice is, of course, faltering.

 really at root i feel overwhelmed, these (and everything) feed in.

 when i can make myself stop, stop STOP for a split second like on the way to school today, hashing it out just me and me while flying down the road then its so ridiculously clear.  how f'n lucky i am, how blessed to have people, beautiful people who see and love something of this me-ness.  the support that nearly drowns me.  the wind on my face, mist on the lake, moon in the sky and sun rising in the east as i pound the pedals on this speed-demon beauty of a bike.  nothing but goodness now REALLY.  including the delight of that family mode, just here, no where else and certainly nothing to fight against.

when i can remember how tiny my brain is in the vastness of the universe, the breath that has been holding in my chest remembers to let go and that its ok to release because after all its not just me in here breathing.  this giant vibrating organism of a planet is breathing me in and out and my tininess is magnificent in the freedom it affords.

so yep coming back to the same and always letting go letting be.  nothing to rush or understand, just letting it take me.  take me.

take me

re-covery

after the lecture on future and career including the usual breakdown by cousin/update of the multiple creative ways that they are succeeding (med school, law school) and how yes, i could do the same if i chose too.  after that conversation finally wound down and switched inevitably back to farsi i stood up quietly and let my feet walk me straight for the ocean and then down the beach, away away away and into myself.  and beyond, to touch back into that source that feeds, nourishing the magic that has been reclaiming me of late with sweet, unrelenting persistence.  landing in a dune, speaking to the sun, letting the ocean fill and bring me back beyond the me that feels small and inadequate and like a failure, a failure of a daughter who consistently manages not to live up to any of it.

remembering that i am a daddy's girl and that he still happily dredges up tiny details from my childhood.  remembering that i'm just an animal on this planet whirling through the cosmos.  feeling the soft suppleness of the sand beneath my hands.  feeling my body sinking.  and sliding away to open into the waterfallingup through the earth's core into and through me bringing "me" back home to this cosmos of explosive love.  all we are, right?  that simple.  so it IS our biological birthright to scoop up this sweetness that life offers, to absorb and consume and be taken by the deepest of pleasures and experiences and man what else are we here for but to feel alive and explode?

sink or drown

Feeling self conscious on here now cuz i'm losing the confidence that no one actually reads this but here goes anyway.

its interesting to watch myself in slowmo, falling for people.  i love it so much, its certainly human nature i attest--a biological survival mechanism which i tend to trust.  ali told me last night she didn't believe i could not fall, and i told her i'm not trying to not fall, just trying to do it with less attachment and more awareness.

especially as the weirdness rages on the homefront, i am certainly letting it be a refuge.  and experiencing a bit of this New World we live in, touching into the ways that we are learning to connect and feel now with the technology of the day.  IMAGES--are so impactful and it is deeply image based.  fascinating.

dad and Ame Pari arrived today, and already we had a conversation about pursuing further education.  its so hard for me not to get riled up but really.  there is no need to.

some fave quotes:


re: papirosen, a tragic yiddish song about an orphan selling cigarettes in the rain :   I think the message will come across as the lighthearted tribute to cigarette sales-boys everywhere

re: istanbul and whether it is eastern or western europe:   The gateway drug to the east then?

and yes this place is a familiar bus stop on the journey down--the river, the falling, what have you.  i feel even more trepidatious writing on the other one, as i feel the heat turn up daily and fight to stay present, to not push to relax into what is true and real and present, deeply.  this feels like the biggest learning of this time since coming south--that lesson hammered into my head until i begged for the pounding to stop.  no good can come of pushing for something that is not, for being anywhere but here, for wanting and dreaming and pulling.  in these oh so delicate times, the only proper path is one of SINKING.

magic descends

ok so in THIS moment i have a raging headache and minor housemate drama but i've been composing this blogpost in my head all day so here goes.

the magic is descending.  the moment that he said "i like you because...your magical" my inner fairy sighed with relief and exploded out of my heart and pores.  to have that be seen again, oh so delicious....so much fun life sweetness there, jukebox fueled crazy dance-plosion loveshack throwdown at the tail end of st. paddy's day celebrations.  so sweet so easy so fun so....striped.

and today, in this soft and low raw sultryness of hungover exhaustion, how easy to slide closer to that thing of beauty, touching in so gently so so so deliciously.  honey drips delicate and tender,  soft and so full.

processing loss

its been a while since i've posted here.  i guess i am most inspired when i am at my lowest points.  who wants to hear about a bunch of happy swarmy s@#$ anyway right?  i just left a message for sky, who will not call me back.  who is occasionally willing to gchat with me in a superficial way and is likely moving towards wanting no contact at all.  then there's son, i can't even let that one in.  just overflows the bucket.  dead to me, writing songs about what a toxic force i am.  there's my housemate, we were building a really sweet connection, yeah i know never hook up w/your housemates.  6 weeks later, she still treats me somewhere on the spectrum from ice to superficial acquaintance.  there's paul, my 1st buddy down here, i don't even know what happened but we just stopped.  being.  friends.  i've also lost my home, feel like i need to give VA a wide berth for awhile.  there's roberto and marta, who are subsumed in their busy NY life and so don't have the energy to reach out and make contact.

i know i know, its a transition, a new town, a new life.  but i am so fucking sick and tired of processing loss.  and there's really no escape, it surrounds me from all sides pressing in until i can't breath and the only thing i can do to get oxygen in my lungs is cry cry cry cry cry cry.

and doesn't help when my period is 10 days late.

i really miss having friends.  people that just get me.  who can tell when there's something brewing inside and with a simple look let me know that i'm not alone.   people who just accept me as i am and even better, love me for it.  people who
want me to get them and to love them.

really, this whole thing's pretty stupid without that.  

message in a bottle

so i find myself in this semi-weird position of being in a monogom-ish relationship that mostly lacks any sexual content.  i'm just basically not that happy about this.  so, survey.....i'm feeling like this is a don't ask don't tell situation.  girlfriend has needs.  that's all.

please feel free to weigh in on this one.

and  i just know yr gonna suggest communicating.  but this is a relationship where for the most part, more words=less communication.

and why don't you just get the fuck out of my house if yr not even gonna kiss me proper.  why am i wasting my time and energy on someone who really, honestly, can't even kiss me.  some f'n  b@#$ S*^@ i'd say.

i deserve more than this.  time to walk away?  can't really do that til school's done....which is ever creeping closer and closer.  stamina....waiting it out....wtf.....what i get for dating an air sign, breaking from my history of earth-sign boyfriends.

i really just want some water up in here, a nice jew-ish nature boy who can play with me, with ease and comfort and doesn't need so f'n much from me.  soft and easy and comfortable.  universe?  you listening?  and preferably one with lots of friends who wants kids.

thanks. 

lashes

hating myself right now.  for the emotional wrecking ball and havoc that i wreak around me, most notably with the people i care about most, want most to be close to.  feels apocalyptical right now.  standing amidst the smoking ruins of the road to hell; paved with my best intentions.  and this is a pretty good definition of hell.  my presence is a poison that drives away the people i most want to be close to.  struggling with how to be with this.  how to be gentle with this.  how to soften the caustic voice that lashes at my guts with nastiness, spite and regret.  is anything changing?  am i changing?  am i doomed to an endless reply of this same set of emotions, thoughts, feelings?  feeling terrified of liking anyone or getting close because of the seemingly inevitable wretched ending that awaits.

just seeing her here and out, the way that errant lock falls over her face and the glasses that spark a seriousness belied by that mischevious glint and catlike strength inside......gar.

and just seeing sky's legs in the twin oaks kids play video, sprawled and at ease, so comfortable, soft, easy.

son i rarely think of anymore; the blessing of true and real space.  his release of me is palpable and liberating.  it does mix in to the lacerating voices though, adding another chord to the ruthless unrelenting disharmony.

naturally, its pema time.  time to draw close, closer, deeper in to this experience--how it sits in my gut like a pile of rotting fish.  how my heart shrinks in fear.  how my brain lashes at me again and again.  just letting it all play through and around me, just being just being just being.

fuck

so this week has been....heavy. things with jessay are messy and complicated and emotionally draining. having my mom here is also emotionally draining. i haven't been sleeping enough. polarity tends to stir things up. so...its been a bit rough. things have been weighing on me, i've been waking up feeling sad and heavy, able to shake it off for a few moments during the day but mostly just being heavy and sad. most of the stuff that weighs on me is not stuff that i can really talk about with other people. that tends to add to the feeling of weight. this afternoon was kind of a peak of all that--i took a nap and woke up pretty consumed by grey cloudyness. and i caved to my own inner weakness, my desire for care and support and understanding, fatigue of being alone in the grey cloud. then, i went to ecstatic dance. my body felt like shit. physically, emotionally, i wanted to puke. just achey and sore and painful and blech. dancing, dancing, dancing. about halfway through i was crouched down, just being with the shittyness of how i felt and it hit me. i'm lonely. DUH. and i've not been willing to just BE with that, just let it be there. so things have gotten complicated, in my head and in my life. even to the point of betraying your trust and telling those guys, because i wasn't paying attention and just couldn't bear to be with the feeling of being alone.

like honey, sun, and arrow

so this thing happens, when he hangs an arm over my shoulder or wraps them around my waist.  lets call it honey melt.  the physicality of my being dissolves, and i am just golden liquid.  sweet, delicious.  yes, probably addictive.

this morning when meditating, i saw the grey shell of my personality, the heavy sadness that has been holding me down by the neck yes that--saw it crack open and a big yellow sun-ball of light rose up out of the cracked grey shell.  glowing, impersonal.

yesterday when meditating i had a moment of experiencing being the arrow in the bow of life.  taut, ready, in service.  pointed in whatever direction is needed, ready to be aimed and fired.

tonight, i dance my prayers.

here's to the weekend--that it be full and rich and nourishing, grounding and spacious.  huzzah!

today

From Pema Chodron...

"The Buddhist teachings...encourage us to relax gradually and wholeheartedly into the ordinary and obvious truth of change.  Acknowledging
this truth doesn't mean that we're looking on the dark side.  What it means is that we begin to understand that we're not the only one who can't keep it together."  

more

and why does it matter?  because of the way she holds me--with her eyes, with her presence.  with her fucking arms and mouth.  with her heart.  because she reaches in and holds mine when it starts to shrink or close.  tipping my chin up when i want to hide and with the gentlest possible hand and a love firm like water.  because there is no hesitation and i can just let go.  because its safe and warm and gentle.  warm rain with thunder rumbling, lightning bolts ripping through.

i will miss the lightening.  but perhaps the rest is still possible.

this is my prayer today

mess

it all just feels like such a mess right now.  my room is a mess.  i'm behind on studying or worse don't know where i am.  i'm in this stupid relationship with this stupid boy that is basically all the hard, painful parts of a relationship without any of the good stuff that makes it worth it.  and once again i was given a sweet, amazing beautiful gift only to have it snatched away immediately.  fucking life WHY.

why does it have to be this way why can't there just be love that arrives, is beautiful, and stays?  why all of this snatching?  its like life is teasing me, torturing really and i'm so sick and tired of it SO SICK AND TIRED.  im tired of having a fucking half insane crazy boyfriend who comes and goes like the wind and can't ever be reliably counted on to just be there for me.  and why give me a sweet amazing beautiful friend, show me that we have a firey passionately explosive connection, then deny me and tear it away.  i just feel tired.  so so tired.  TIRED.  and sad and alone and just fucking exhausted.  sick of the fucking waves that never let up their beating, as soon as one ebbs and there's a moment for a breath's worth of relief, BAM the next one hits.  and its wearing me down.

i guess i should just give up.  again.  give up trying to do anything other then ride these waves.  i can't even ride them anymore, all i can do is lay in a heap on the shore, a bloody sobbing mess of a heap and let the salt water tear at my wounds.

all i want so badly is to be held.  held by someone who doesn't need me to be anything, strong or open or flexible or understanding or mature.  just a fucking mess who wants to be held and rocked and not let go of.  when does that day come?  

forward

right now i feel so surrounded by love.   its raining, i've only slept a few hours but life calls me awake again.  my mom gets here today and what will that be like.  the lovegates have been lowered and the flow is unstoppable.  so grateful.

one of these days, i'll sleep.  

waves

you told me you needed monogamy

i said yes

you told me you needed commitment

i said yes

you told me to speak only my truth

i said yes

you told me to keep my heart open no matter what

i said yes

you told me to let go of my ego

i said yes...i am trying

you told me to release all of my patterns

please understand that this is a process

you told me you wanted partnership

i was willing to try

you told me to be in the moment and flexible.  you told me you need boundaries.  you told me you can't say no to me.  you told me i mustn't say no to you.  you told me you can't  hold me you told me i never hold you.  you told me your not available for this.  you told me i'm not right for you.  you told me you could embrace this work in the space of commitment.  then the fear of that drove you away.  like waves you return, then depart.

i do not know what to think anymore.

we are just bags of water, sitting on a rock, and we have no idea what we're doing.   and we're together on this rock, and all we can do is love each other.