no fiction here

you really couldn't write fiction like this.  yesterday, this morning, we were diving deeper and deeper.  i am finally letting go in ways i never have in relationships.  giving myself in ways i didn't even know i could.  l.e.t.t.i.n.g.  trusting.  practicing faith and devotion.

and so OF COURSE this evening, the call comes.  "i'm so filled with fear that i'm going to hurt you.  so fearful of hurting and abandoning you.  that...i think i have to do that".  uh....ok.  head out on foot, making the rounds.  (how do i have rounds after only 3 months? already this town fits like a glove).  between boca and the bull, i cross paths with another pacer.  young, cute.  we cross again and i glance over, majorly in need of distraction.  he slows down enough to ask if i'd like to play a game of pool at Sticks, which we are currently crossing in front of.  assuring i am terrible, we go for it--he buys me a beer--we play, and chat.  he is a navy lawyer on leave for a couple of weeks.  i am a massage student musician.  he coaches me on my pool game, buys me another beer, and promises to show up at the vine for my gig on friday.

meanwhile, i'm texting  "meet me on the corner of main and university in 30 min".  reply comes "i'm a mess right now"  me, back "i know"  reply comes:  "do you still want to meet"  me "yeah sure"  reply comes "time and place"  and we set it.  i trot up to the atlantic where there's a bunch of kick-ass girl bands playing and all my friends.  have i mentioned.  I.love.this.town.  hang out, dance, listen, chat.  at some point cross the street and yes, he's sitting there, on the street corner, meditating w/shoes off.

Day 4 Calvin Visit--Gville Bike Adventure Part II--xmas eve

Tuesday morning we hopped back on the bikes and headed down to the school.  we made a quick stop at the goat farm, then at the school i gave calvin the full tour, including the labrynth and qumquat trees.  

Student Clinic "office"

Mr. Skelly!

Quilt from an old class

Brains!!!!

The Little House

several of my teachers were there doing last minute shopping at the bookstore.  after the tour i set up a table and gave calvin a massage.  then we hopped back on the bikes and headed to the prairie.  first stop at the bolen bluff trail, through the spanish mossy woods and out to the prairie.  

Prairie

one more stop at the prairie boardwalk and then back on the bikes.  

we made it all the way to the UF bat houses  in time to check out several gators in the wild life sanctuary/pond, waited for the (unimpressive) twilight bat egress, then biked back to La Tienda for some delicious Mexican food. 

Bat Houses

 Calvin ate impressively:  3 fish tacos, Huevos Rancheros, and a Burrito.  I ate fish tacos and nibbled on his extras!  While we were devouring the deliciousness, a friend texted about watching a silly movie, so after a brief stop for wine and another at home for warm clothes, we headed over there for a home viewing of Elf, a ridiculous Christmas movie.  then Home and Bed!

Day 3--Beach

Monday--BEACH ADVENTURE!  Monday morning early Belle responded to my FB post saying yes she'd love to go to the beach!  instant beach adventure!  i quickly packed a picnic basket (cheeseavotomato sandwiches, cheese, carrots, cashews, chips, bottle of wine, kumquats, apples, tangerines, avocado, giant salad, chocolate....etc) and belle arrived about an hour later.  we packed up the car and headed to St. Augustine.  First stop was Anastasia State Park, a GORGEOUS beach with delicious waves.  the weather was just perfect--blue sky with puffy clouds, 81 degrees.  slight breeze.  we left belle and her phone with the picnic (she was dealing with some family stuff) and hiked waaaaay up the beach so i could swim in my undies!  the water temp was perfect. the waves, delightful.  we ran all the way back to belle after a good romp in the waves, and devoured our sand-covered picnic, then headed back to the waves for another little jaunt. 

 Eventually we packed it all up and headed into adorable historic downtown St. Augustine.  Belle and Calvin walked around the fort while i napped in the sun.  then we picked up my fiddle and they drank a pitcher of sangria while i busked.  i eventually joined them for more sangria.  and finally headed home with the setting sun.  

Nap View

Bell and the Fort

 Cesar called just as we were eating an evening snack and asked if I wanted to do a little busking. We hit the quiet monday streets for a while with guitar/vocals/fiddle thang—decided we'd name ourselves Snakebird (after a native prairie bird).  

Calvin visit continued: Sunday--RIVER ADVENTURES Part I

I'm still catching up on the posts and pics from Noah's visit.  Here's part deux.... 

After a leisurely morning around the house, we biked over to the Big White House (where i used to live) armed with fruit salad.  jessay had made oats and sweet potatoes, and we ate the delightful repast while people gathered in the living room for a waltz.  one of the current residents likes to hold dances there (contra, english country, waltz).  We stuck around for a couple of dances, then headed up to the Santa Fe river, near High Falls and about an hour away.  

That Purty Santa Fe River

River Sink!

The river is beautiful and we meandered around, hung out at the "river sink" checking out a gator and many turtles, meandered back to the trailhead and then jes and i swam in the deliciously refreshing (and clean!) water.  

Gator!

Jessay!  

We made a brief stop at Ward's Grocery store on the way (love that place!  family owned and such nice folks).  Then back to the BWH for fruit salad and HOME again for some chips and beans and meditating and sleeping.   and a little bit of plotting and scheming for the coming days!

back here, back

and so, here it is again.  the slowly-growing-familiar feeling of that jagged shard of pain piercing the heart.  slowly, slowly, i am learning.  that love hurts.  it hurts me, it hurts others.  and that. is. ok.

and when the shard wedges in, there is only this:  gentle, tender, holding.  being.  letting be.  letting it be there.  letting the piercing sensation reverberate deeply.  letting it be.  brain clammers to answer.  let it be.  let it be.  let it be.  breathing.  slowly, the feeling washes deeper--for me, next stop is the gut, the abdomen.  that gate between heart and core that i learned so long ago to lock tight against this very feeling.  holding there, gently encouraging the naseau to wash deeper.

and the waves:  fear.  breath.  fear. breath.  any resistance only causes the pain to cut deeper, slicing painfully.  there is pain and there is suffering.  this is about allowing the former while reducing the latter.

and this:  "if 'd only somehow packaged myself differently for you, hid my truth in the pretty clothes you love, played it cool, cooler, coolest,  THEN, then maybe THEN maybe maybe maybe at some future point we could have had another moment of sweet bliss.  this is addiction.  this unwillingness to let go of a single opportunity for bliss.

to deny my truth in the pursuit of bliss.  this bliss is not worth having.  for me, my friend, and certainly not for you.  you told me this so clearly in september.  informing me so clearly that we are different people.  that we always will be.  that we'll end up right back here.

i didn't understand but now i do.  you never wanted ME.  you never wanted my truth.  you loved that i wanted you, YOU exactly as you are.  you delighted in the sensation of being seen and loved exactly for who you are.  you called me out when i stopped doing that.  and yet--did you offer me the same?

thank you for exiting gracefully, for removing yourself.  there is nothing left here, you are so right.

i can see the whole history--each step, giving me a new facet of what can be in relationship.  and reliably, each time, there is no going back.  being met, seen and loved by sky.  being met by ro in the romantic realm.  experiencing the universal-love-bliss with son.  and now, feeling the universally expanding potential of that love-bliss w/jes  there is only one way and it is forward.

and these (inevitable?) hurts are only made worse by clinging, by denying the truth.  each step has resulted in hurt and pain--for me also, and for each of them.  this is the hard nut i am learning to swallow.  i want to understand more.  if the bodichitta way is to ask, "how are my actions causing pain in the hearts of others" then how does this love thing fit in?  other than by becoming a nun....or maybe that is just it.

we have definitely milked the pain-value of our connection, son and i.  we have gone beyond the point of sanity, because it felt so good.  and still i feel hurt and angry, i feel attached.  i don't want to let go, even though that is all there is.  letting those gates open between heart and core, letting the feelings wash down again.  down down deeper.

letting go of the idea that it ever could be different.  that this herenow is anything other than exactly perfectly as it should be.  this here is the pain i have been avoiding, running away from, trying to finesse.  finally, and there is relief in letting it wash down.

i gave noah my full, honest, truthful self.  and he, in return, loved me.  accepted, heard, took in, and loved.  there is really no other option.  if this is my path, then there will be some inevitable cutting.  there will be cutting away and that is painful.

oh my friend, my sweet sweet friend, we both wanted so badly for this to be more than it was.  and it was so much--a magical ride, sweeping me out of my stuckfastedness, carrying me forward in a rushing tide of love and life and delivering me safely and gently onto the shores of this next amazing bend in the river.  i'm still so so grateful for that, and for everything you taught me.  i hope that you are able to hold onto what was good and beautiful between us as you move forward on your own path.

meanwhile. ow.  ow.  ow.  ouch.

and breath.  

I'M ON BREAK!!!! and its sooooooo gooood.

The Green House!

Calvin visited from Twin Oaks for the first 5 days, and we had nonstop fun awesome adventures the whole way.  Here's the breakdown----luckily, he had his camera so here's lot o' pics too!

Friday night--he just missed QUICHE NIGHT at my house--friends over for triple-quiche extravaganza, plus pumpkin chocochip bars.  some swing dancing in the living room and string-jammin on the porch.  after he arrived, we walked over to the big white house where dani was chillin, drove around a little and then went downtown for a bit.

Saturday--GAINESVILLE BIKE TOUR AND ADVENTURES.  we started off the day with a little tour of the co-op, Civic Media Center, Wild Iris Bookstore complex.

Preparing for the big Bike Adventure

CMC Courtyard Patio/Stage

The Co-op!

Civic Media Center/Radical Press Coffee Collective

Then we biked over to the Catholic Worker House where we fixed up a raised bed that had been repeatedly run over by cars!

Fixing the Raised bed, with Daniel Catholic Worker

Catholic Worker Raised Beds

Armed with directions to the Blackacres Micro Farm, we biked across town and checked it out.   After a brief, informal, self-guided tour (and mouthfuls of Kumquats), we decided to bike over to the Devil's Millhopper, a state park/sinkhole in far NW gainesville.  We finally found it and got there 10 minutes before closing!  just enough time to check out the sinkhole.

Kumquats!  at Black Acres Microfarm

Black Acres Microfarm 

Black Acres Microfarm

too many kumquats.....

  Riding home in the sunset, we stopped for a fairly delicious meal at Civilization, made a couple detours to deliver beer to Paul (an outstanding debt) and check in on Jes at the Big White House (where i used to live--classmate Jessay moved in there just after i left for the Green House).  We made plans for the next day w/jes and his mama, then headed HOME.

Big White House

Big White House Courtyard

heart-stretch

posts to come soon on a most fabulous visit from calvin, but for today....heart is sinking a little bit just getting off the phone with my sweet sweet son-shine boy.  we haven't talked in a month or so....and i finally told him all that is happening in my head and heart down here on this gainesville trip.  this crazy love-journey spiritual path that i've found myself on---learning to fall madly in love with the whole world and everyone in it.  how can i explain this to someone so far away that i care (d?) about so much with this tiny little telephone in my hand.  sacrilege.  i hurt him i'm sure but i can't do anything, can't be with it and him can't feel what he's feeling can't reach out and just be there because because because virginia is so far from florida.  so is it better to be honest?  how can it not.  and what is happening now--i can't know.  and again only letting go letting go letting go.  no, i can't hold on to every love i've ever had.

recently the pieces have been all falling together--especially having parallel experiences over christmas.  last year, so in love, son pulling back, going home for christmas, realizing how magical and potent our connection was, coming back back back.  this year.  the. same. f'n. thing. with jes.  it makes it so much easier to just sit with the grace of it.  remembering my very first love when i was 14, and the same. thing. happened.  so yes, its me and not you.  and yes its not me, its you.

this is me, apparently.  in the fire.  and whoever's up for that, i'm down.  and i'm learning to hold it all with more gentleness, understanding that what i seem to almost unconsciously demand in relationships is a tall tall order.  not everyone is up for it in every moment.  and that is so ok.  so ok.  it doesn't change my commitment or who i am.  as long as that is who i am and what i want, i have to accept that there will be hurts and pulling back-s and roller coasters.  

so here now, the only thing i can do is trust--that he'll be ok, that what needs to happen will, that i will continue growing.  that my intention is to not harm others.  that who i am is changing.  constantly.  and that all there is is to continue looking for and communicating the truth.  to continue loving myself and expanding my ability to love others, exactly as and where they are.

still i feel my unsides c.r.a.c.k.i.n.g. just a little bit.