Friday, October 8, 2010

best response ever

a friend invited me to join her and her date for dinner tonight--gchatting w/the date, i expressed concern about imposing on them, and also that my current mood was quite gnarly and convincing me that everyone secretly hates me.

his response: "all the more reason to come. so come let us hate you properly".

Thursday, October 7, 2010


ok, cooking rice pudding and procrastinating on attacking today's task-list.........

so, what would unplugging look like in each instance??

hostel--damn, this one's hard. we've got so much debt that its hard to take money out of the equation. so, it'd be jumping to the grand vision: a multi-dimensional multi-use dynamic space, for visitors and townies to come together, a place to share cultural events; movies, discussions, potlucks, dance parties. homegrown entertainment/education, supported by work trade and pure love.

cville foodscapes--argh, this one's tough too. transforming to a grant and fundraiser run program that provides gardening support and education for low-wealth folks? creating a network of home-growers who come together to share food, recipes, labor? creating links between area farmers and local home-gardeners towards local food-independence?

urban commune--ok, this one's easier. off the grid, beautiful out door composter, homey space with room for many, radical homeyness and culture jamming.

women's group--this one's already heading there. supporting each other emotionally, physically, spiritually. providing the nourishment that we need to do our hard work in the world.

prison project--creating continuity and a community of support post-transition/re-entry...

landmark selp--er. focus my coaching project next round on this. create more support and continuity among our growing community here in town.

co-counseling--learn to be a teacher, spread the good word.

klezmer ensembles--offer this gift in places that need it--prison, jail, schools.

aright, looks like i've got my work cut out for me. maybe this is all heading towards an intention for the new year, 2011, the last before the transition. seems like i ought to be incorporating something about technology use here--its substitute for real human emotional connection. eek! case in point! i'll ponder that one further.

off the task-land....

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

what the

i guess i feel more compelled to blog when sky is away....tonight, i'm musing on what the f is it in me that insists on refusing love!??! here i am, surrounded by people expressing love and care in so may ways, and all i can do is fight, fight, fight. so much easier and safer to go it alone, that's that evil voice deep inside that's building fences and walls as fast as i can tear them down.

scary that that lives deep inside me, sabotaging my efforts and tearing apart connections. killing people off. tonight, for the first time i had the experience of someone other than sky saying "i feel shut down" after i spoke. i do that. how. why. jesus!

trying to take tim jackins' advice: you never ever have permission for any reason to feel bad about yourself.

dang that's hard.

so often, its so much easier to be hard and hateful then soft and vulnerable. being scared and angry comes so easily, so naturally. slides off the tongue. dagumit.

the residue sucks too--emotional sewage, lingering in my system. regret, guilt, sorrow for the poison i'm injecting into the world.

and, wow, dang, thank you universe for the collective consciousness and positive vibrations of group process. another miracle tonight, from 6 scattered and separate people holding some vague notion of prison work, to the Self-Empowerment Forum [disclaimer: no clue of course where this will ultimately go]; a series of sessions on topics from sexual health to poetry to car maintenance for women at Fluvanna Correctional Center. For the women on their way OUT of Fluvanna. On their way back into this weird f'd up place we inhabit.

R. dreams of unplugging these folks, unplugging from the system that oppresses us all. that sounds good, sign me up too. and while your at it, i'd like to unplug this crazy monkey mind of self-hate that is talking my ear off.

unplugging--that's a concept i'd like to hold close and integrate into my every day lives. yes, plural, because even though there's endless overlap in each group that i put myself in (hostel, cville foodscapes, urban commune, women's group, prison project, landmark selp, co-counseling, klezmer ensembles), each is a different slice of me, a disparate slice of me. craving cohesion, why not use this thread, unplugging, to tie them altogether?

i'll take it.