skiing and angst

Day 2 in lovely snowy connecicut---

today was the staff ski trip and dinner. i guess it didn't bode well that i felt like i was breaking sila (buddhist morality: no lying, stealing, killing, sexual misconduct (?!) or taking intoxicants) to consider myself staff enough to take advantage of the free lift ticket and ski rental...and then there's my own ethical opposition to this thrill seeking, consupicuosly consuming, natural world destroying excuse for a sport (i'm a cross country skiier at heart). but, i figured what the hell, i'm in new england and its being offered freely. and it was fun to remember that i know how to ski (thanks for all those weekend lessons, mom and dad!). but the combined cold and angst landed me in the lodge after 2 hours, feverishly studying my Reiki book.

which is exciting, i did my first little self-healing (in the Great Barrington Libary, oddly enough) and felt a significant affects from it. i think i'm ready to do healings on other people, and i've got a bunch of folks interested and lined up already. it feels incredibley natural and intuitive, so much so that i'm kind of doing it all the time--i even notice it starting to creep into my medititation practice a bit, i'm not sure how i (or how goenka would) feel about that! apparantly tali was rejected from sitting a second goenka meditation course because she wrote on her application that she'd practiced reiki in the past year.

now i'm sore and tired but happy and cozy in my beautiful little room, snacking on toasted pumpkin seeds and home-made granola. and, of course, obessively using my new laptop!

graditude

after a rich and tumultuous 3 weeks at twin oaks, i'm back in snow-covered connecticut. my time at the commune is always a mixture of blessings and challenges, and this visit was no exception. it was sweet and wonderful to be back in the same zip code as sky, to reconnect, talk, snuggle, cook pancakes and plot our west-coast travels. and, being involved with him means dealing with some tough stuff. for instance, the sexy and talented artist/musician/dancer that he was involved with in september--they fell in love and she is pretty heart-broken about it. and the Family stuff is quite the emotional morass.

not to mention my usual round of insecurities, self-judgements, disconnectedness and excessive mental torture that assail me.

but i can only express deep gratitude for the past 2 days of sweet respite and transition. we spent the night in DC with johnny socko, a middle aged motor-biking movie producing architure restorationist and raging bachelor. sunday morning he attuned me for Reiki I and passed along a book of Reiki history and instruction. already i feel its resoncance with my healer yearnings and tendencies and glad for the directions it will take me. my trip up here was long but not unpleasant and i'm staying in a beautiful room with giant windows looking out onto the snowy-frosted trees. i feel nurtured by folks here and just so grateful (ok, so its a theme) to have this time and space to reflect, process and integrate before moving forward.

saying goodnight to adam, the local guru and dishwasher, he spoke about the necessity of going with the flow of the universe, even if that sometime means being assertive. even then, he said, you've got to be gentle.