Thursday, April 24, 2014

back

and..........



                        SLAM

back again, here.  stupid, staring, heaving.  this really has been the lightening round, this chapter.  just thrown in my face again and again, panting and breath barely caught from the last round and again again again walking straight back into that plateglass wall knowing full well what i will be met with.

watched myself do it on the course.  EXACTLY the same as the last one except that the last one i was still stupid enough to take it seriously.

merrygoround spinning faster and faster and yes i wanna puke and NO i don't wanna get off yet.  so much karma to work out or sankara's that just woooon't leeeeeet go cuz baby i am watching myself prepare to dive straight back into the same flaming pit, slam into that wall, drop through that trapdoor.

just can't get enough til i can't i guess.  no sympathy for me, because it is only my weakness that brings me here, my greed, my attachment my seemingly unquenchable desire.

.........and now that i think about it.........this IS the first time in so many years that i have complete freedom and autonomy to follow these desires with a minimal amount of complexity/work/grief/processing required.  so by gum i'm gonna enjoy the shit out of it, and suffer the consequences like nobodies business relishing and reveling in every moment til this gypsy heart breaks from the fullness and is ready to settle down and follow some sila.  

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