i want to run pell-mell away from this stupid inexplicable city where people go for drinks and everything is multi-layered and requires cultural literacy and interpretation. i'm so norm corps i don't even know what it is and i fucking hate this stupid, insane complexity. i'm begging for simplicity here, where the thing you say is the deepest truth available and you take it from there. i don't have the time, patience, or the brain power for these games that i always lose anyway. so tired. probably those 5 hours of sleep aren't helping either.
how the hell do i carve out a bit of normal for myself in this? what is friendship where you never see the friend? taking a break from the alcy def seems like it would help. and a narrowing narrowing down to a few that i can trust because man, it feels so shitty to be around people i don't trust. tears well up when i think about home where people care about me and respect me enough to just be honest for fuck's sake.
dreaming all night about all of this and yeah already i'm starting to put HER on a fucking pedestal like that will help anything. brain working overtime and into the night trying to work the problem. man i miss sky. and gpaul. and calvin. and misty. and kate. and kristina. and angel. and wendy. michele, ro, marta. god fucking dammit. i hate this place sometimes, the headaches it gives me. and here totally indulging in my victimhood, the way it forces my hand into these shitty addictive loops.
its also amazing living with chelsea and getting inspired by her summer dog days--practicing different instruments, baking, gardening, reading. that is a life i want. feels like maybe more narrowly subscribing my days and my interactions with people is in the cards. thing 1 and thing 2 here at the house; i am just fed up. you are amazing people and right now my emotional resilience cannot bear to deal with navigating your treacherous emotional labyrinths.
need to escape to the inside, to the still quiet nest of solitude and peace and SANITY. i need stronger barriers right now, and a settling. a settling inside. a sifting and quieting. its time to stop taking in new inputs, time for integration and weeding out. simplifying. and dealing with the addiction. so tired of the reaching towards those who are not reaching back. can feel my guts all distended and exposed, stretched out and sullied from the exposure to the elements. road grit. cat hairs.
my head hurts so much i can't even see straight and still i push myself. time for the unwinding. the undoing. the unmaking. the batting down for summer, curling in on myself exoskeleton out.
i can feel myself desperately reaching for that one in my head, a life raft out of this toxic sludge stream. but that cannot be. the only direction to unwind now is inside; nothing to say until this little ball of fear and hatred is a little less calcified, a little more spacious. until there's a little more room for breath to wend its way through.
so tired of forcing myself to reach out and trust complete fucking strangers. yes, they've been very gracious but now i want only my own gentle, knowing comfort. time to stop waiting for someone to hold me and know and just do it for my own damn self.
how the hell do i carve out a bit of normal for myself in this? what is friendship where you never see the friend? taking a break from the alcy def seems like it would help. and a narrowing narrowing down to a few that i can trust because man, it feels so shitty to be around people i don't trust. tears well up when i think about home where people care about me and respect me enough to just be honest for fuck's sake.
dreaming all night about all of this and yeah already i'm starting to put HER on a fucking pedestal like that will help anything. brain working overtime and into the night trying to work the problem. man i miss sky. and gpaul. and calvin. and misty. and kate. and kristina. and angel. and wendy. michele, ro, marta. god fucking dammit. i hate this place sometimes, the headaches it gives me. and here totally indulging in my victimhood, the way it forces my hand into these shitty addictive loops.
its also amazing living with chelsea and getting inspired by her summer dog days--practicing different instruments, baking, gardening, reading. that is a life i want. feels like maybe more narrowly subscribing my days and my interactions with people is in the cards. thing 1 and thing 2 here at the house; i am just fed up. you are amazing people and right now my emotional resilience cannot bear to deal with navigating your treacherous emotional labyrinths.
need to escape to the inside, to the still quiet nest of solitude and peace and SANITY. i need stronger barriers right now, and a settling. a settling inside. a sifting and quieting. its time to stop taking in new inputs, time for integration and weeding out. simplifying. and dealing with the addiction. so tired of the reaching towards those who are not reaching back. can feel my guts all distended and exposed, stretched out and sullied from the exposure to the elements. road grit. cat hairs.
my head hurts so much i can't even see straight and still i push myself. time for the unwinding. the undoing. the unmaking. the batting down for summer, curling in on myself exoskeleton out.
i can feel myself desperately reaching for that one in my head, a life raft out of this toxic sludge stream. but that cannot be. the only direction to unwind now is inside; nothing to say until this little ball of fear and hatred is a little less calcified, a little more spacious. until there's a little more room for breath to wend its way through.
so tired of forcing myself to reach out and trust complete fucking strangers. yes, they've been very gracious but now i want only my own gentle, knowing comfort. time to stop waiting for someone to hold me and know and just do it for my own damn self.
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