Friday, April 17, 2015


work at the chiropractor's has been kind of satisfying of late--there's this crazy new complicated insurance thang and somehow i am the one who understands it the most out of everyone there.  i kind of like geeking out on highly complex, detailed systems.  and shuffling papers.  sometimes i pretend that i'm on West Wing, with piles of thing that need to be dealt with covering my desk, things to fax and file and print....and punctuated by lots of sweet and silly conversations with folks on their way in or out.

Playing at Vine!
mmm, vine happy hour plate
and blackfire played at the Vine tonight; that delightfully cozy bakery cafe that was my first gig in Gainesville, and my first regular gig ever, source of my first regular massage clients, and my go to spot for middle of the day cookies.  i love that place.  it really has been like a home for me. Dean and Theresa, the owners are so sweet--it was Dean's birthday so they were having a rare night off, drinking champaign and listening to our music.   theresa (nearly always slightly stressed and handling 15 different things simultaneously) came over, slightly tipsy, afterward to ask when i'm moving and to say that she wanted to do a special event/send off party/final blackfire show at the Vine before i leave.  ....melt.....

also, it must be spring cuz i am getting crushes right and left.

Wednesday, April 15, 2015

worm time

i guess, according to many people, and most particularly, my parents, i am a total failure at life.  i'm not really financially independent, i don't own a house, i can't pay a mortgage.  i don't have a car.  i'm not married and i don't have kids.  i'm 35 years old, often go barefoot and forget to brush my hair.  i'm not on a career track.  i don't have an IRA and i'm not even really sure what that is.  i'm not providing financial support to my parents.

just a human here.  highly sensitive many-membraned human.  just trying daily to figure out what that even means, what this mound of flesh even is, what these zooming thoughts and emotions it seems to be teeming with are.

sometimes even that is asking alot.

yes, i'm drowning in privilege and good fortune. i don't  deserve any of it.  i don't know anything, just fighting to understand everything.  its a slow process.

i admit, i may have gone about all this backwards.  i guess most people start with the outer world, figuring it out--but i'm just getting to that part.  like i said.  slow progress.  for whatever reason i kind of started on the other end, backwards; inside out.  it just always seemed to me to be the more logical starting place; that the inner world determines the outer world, so why not start there.  instead of pouring my preciously limited life energy into making it out there, and then being left with whatever is remaining for the insides.

but you know what, f&*% that.  i am figuring it out, all of it.  outside and in.  i'll say this much, i almost never get sick.  i eat super healthfully and have many healthy habits.  I am pretty close to earning a living doing things i feel passionately about that contribute something positive and healing to the people around me.

  i'm managing to thrive in the cracks.

but man, nothing like a good dressing down from _____ to leave me feeling like a tiny, worthless, highly squishable piece of worm-poogoo ground into the highway by many giant trucks.

also, apparently time doesn't actually exist.    

Sunday, April 12, 2015

roller coastering on

sigh, day 3 of waking up feeling like a poo-on-a-stick.  headache, everywhere-ache etc.  forced myself to go to church since holing up didn't seem to be helping (ok ok so its only been half-day hole-ups, but still.....)  and it did feel good to sit in that big, beautiful hall with nice, gentle people.

afterward, we went to the seminar, which was about the formation and transformation of UCG in the 70's.  Larry and Sandy, the indomitable ministers emeriti (they just retired last year) who had moved down from Connecticut to take over the flailing experimental congregation in 1974, as well as a couple who had been on the search committee for a new minister in 1973, regaled us with fabulous, hilarious and insightful stories.  I laughed so much at their wonderful recounting of the letters back and forth (from larry: "we're not sure we are ready to leave Connecticut, its almost cider pressing time and the leaves are just beautiful",  from Catherine (UCG member on the search committee) "ah, its december now and we just can't bear to be inside.  the children run around barefoot and its sunny every day").  it felt good to laugh and laugh, started to ease the headache that settled last week for a good long stay.

My Beautiful Church!

Afterward i had a little home-break, wasting time in the ways that i do....and also talking to Bruce Salmon about doing a show with Blackfire in Austin this June!  He was driving across Texas while we spoke; he lives in west texas now but lived in austin for many years before that, grew up in NOLA, mom lives in FL, so he lives in all those places now.  His accordionist friend and bandmate lives in Austin, Santa Cruz and NYC.

Here's a little vid of him + accordion and fiddle.

 managed to get some food in me (grilled bacon/avo/cheese sandwich+salad) and a small nap, then JD and i met up for busking at the spring arts fest.   its about 10 blocks of artist's little booths and many a meanderer.  we didn't play long, but what i enjoyed most were the songs that we are developing.  i am really loving finding my voice, and especially when i get to sing and then play and then sing again within one song.  people were appreciative and we made a good amount of dough.  then we walked up to the thomas center where jd was playing with the klezmer katz and i lay in the grass under a big old live oak, thinking about how lovely the trees are here and how much i'll enjoy coming back here.

headed home when a giant cooling wind kicked up, threatening a mid-afternoon storm.  managed to meditate and get more food in me before jazz bandits practice.

  i was glad to be there, mainly because i love Larry (minister emeritus now for UCG) so much and its great to get to be in a room with him.  i felt pretty good about my playing, as well.  started to have my usual meltdown where solos are assigned and i am somehow left off but i managed to rally enough to advocate for myself and get re-inserted; as usual larry noticed what was happening ("kassia always seems to get left in the corner!) which just makes me love him even more.

we worked on fever, and kali added in a lyric about jd and i; the 2nd time people coupled us today.  A lady at church had asked his name, and then "ah!  a strong name!  a strong partner you picked!" while i blushed and tried to back away and hide.  i guess it just shows when we are more in that mode, and people can't help picking up on it.

Larry gave me a ride home in his braaaand new prius, i told him about moving and coming back in the winters.  something shifted today about that--i had been thinking, well, i WANT to come back, but who knows.  but after today, hearing about those other musicians who are bi-or tri-local; HECK, why not??  So, its real.  its happening.

Its on, gainesville winters.