on the edge

packing.

clothes in piles, choosing the simplest and most comfortable.  plain.

feeling my bodymind slow slow sloooow down.  feel the complexity of life gently sift and settle.  into the sensation of air on my skin.  the brush of hair on my neck.  nora singing slow, sweet. housemate exchange, drenched in love.  feeling that a lot lately; love pressing in from all sides. swallowing and breathing it hits me like a train and i have to sob briefly into the plain, black skirt i am in the middle of folding.

my life

has changed


so much.

i have been graced with

so

much

it chokes my breath off, to let that in.  drifting into the living room, perching with the cats

again it presses around, the gentle delicate loveliness of (my) life

sinking into the beauty-drenched world that surrounds me.

the final hurdle

monday.  The Day Of The Test.

I woke up at 6:30 and immediately started doing a practice test to allay my fears (I didn't study enough eeek!).   Eventually I forced myself to stop, stretch, meditate.  more practice tests more more more til i wanted to explode....and outside to bust ass in the garden, furiously weeding and mulching in the blaring sun oh so satisfying.  gogogogogo then inside for a rest and smoothiejuice, back and forth like that til early afternoon when court came over.

at the test--still felt pretty confident and walked out got the paper 809 BAM NAILED IT.  flooded with relief, joy, excitement, pride and LETTING GO of needing to hold onto anything now, in the river and flowing forward.  called a few people and texted my excitement......

then to paul's w/court, hookahing and dissolving into that giant comfy chair, kittenized.  that feeling of not needing to do be anything but riiiight heeeere.

eventually, after many hours pulled a kassia and slipped quietly out the door and into the night, walking, sifting sorting.  letting the convo w/paul settle....have i just  been fundamentally wrong this whole time?  perhaps i actually don't give a shit about him or being friends with him...novel concept.  and liberating.  walking barefoot and loving the night wrapped around me gentle and tree filled.  downtown found the little benches built into the outside of popatop.  nestled and continued sifting, sorting, watching, unwinding.  felt good to let the tightness of 6 months unleash and flow out.

went inside eventually, and A's co-worker was putting away pastries.  one of those amazing moments where just as i'm realizing i never ate dinner, dude looks at me over a pile of pastries and says "do you want to take home these chocolate croissants that i'm going to throw away?"......ummmmm....YES!!! over the next 10 minutes i collect 6 chocolate croissants (devouring 2 immediately), a ton of bagels and a tofu pesto sandwich.  joy!!!  A finally gets off just as the rain is starting and rides me home on his bike.  at this point i am just wide open, so happy, peaceful, present.  not having to be anywhere or do anything ever again.  not needing anything.  COMPLETE.  

city of romance

i really love my life in Gainesville.  one of my favorite aspects is the romance of the city.  i think i've had more romantic moments here in these 6 months then my whole life....here's some highlights.

1.  sneaking off at school to the little wooded glen to steal some kisses between class...making out in the parking lot, leaning against the truck

2.  being ridden home from satchell's pizza, moonlit warm march night sitting nestled on the bike's crossbars, shreaking into the night.

3.  evening stroll with sweet company through the duckpond neighborhood, slivery slice of moon dangling over the water spanish moss hanging low barefeet dangled...by the thomas center fountain lying down with flowers in my hair

4.  sitting on the porch w/sweet friend, watching the storm roll in then dancing through the streets/drops downtown for art and dinner

5. beautiful outdoor cello concert at the thomas center lawn, picnic of baguette goat cheese mushrooms wine, sun setting