i hate this feeling, and i can see why he takes every precaution to keep me from feeling it. so far, no solutions. so far, everything perfect. so far, lost my keys tonight, lost myself tonight on the dance floor, lost my self tonight, biking home solitary 3 30 am keyless in gainesville.
my head hurts a bit at all the balancing; hence, i suppose, the need for alcohol. hard to believe she was sincere, and that its not just another stupid competition. why do i so want someone in my bed? my own company is so delightful, and, so grounding. peaceful. calm. my room is a cradling nest, helping me hold all the wildness that is happening around and inside me. its a stupid game. too many stupid games. i'm tired and want only
melting.
tired and don't even know what i want.
some things, i do know: csokolom. the sound of a cello. papaya. that smile. dancing. being touched and touching. the verdant smell of tomato plants lingering on my fingertips. releasing into contact. aloneness.
surprisingly unsad talking with sky today. feeling the housemate love growing.
and, there are so many moments of extreme rightness. "come, let's explore"--a command, not a question, and what a relief to not be questioned but commanded. sharing kisses. letting my body be taken. looking for images, finding them through the lens. the feeling of a shoulder beneath my head. being held by arm and cello. biking home slowly no hands sweet night air. feeling little worry at the absence of my keys.
and now, the only thing left--releasing into sweet sweet slumber. perhaps i will visit you in my dreams and fulfill my desires there.
my head hurts a bit at all the balancing; hence, i suppose, the need for alcohol. hard to believe she was sincere, and that its not just another stupid competition. why do i so want someone in my bed? my own company is so delightful, and, so grounding. peaceful. calm. my room is a cradling nest, helping me hold all the wildness that is happening around and inside me. its a stupid game. too many stupid games. i'm tired and want only
melting.
tired and don't even know what i want.
some things, i do know: csokolom. the sound of a cello. papaya. that smile. dancing. being touched and touching. the verdant smell of tomato plants lingering on my fingertips. releasing into contact. aloneness.
surprisingly unsad talking with sky today. feeling the housemate love growing.
and, there are so many moments of extreme rightness. "come, let's explore"--a command, not a question, and what a relief to not be questioned but commanded. sharing kisses. letting my body be taken. looking for images, finding them through the lens. the feeling of a shoulder beneath my head. being held by arm and cello. biking home slowly no hands sweet night air. feeling little worry at the absence of my keys.
and now, the only thing left--releasing into sweet sweet slumber. perhaps i will visit you in my dreams and fulfill my desires there.
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