Thursday, January 13, 2011

twin oaks tooth remedy

last night i had plans to go to twin oaks and felt super torn--stay home, nurse my toothache, enjoy home and family dinner and michele snuggles? or make the trek out to TO? in the end, i went with the landmark standby of doing what i said i would do--the pain seemed to subside slightly so i climbed into Alexis' VOP truck for the twin oaks trek.

and i so appreciated the social infusion and ease. dinner turned into girls table w/marta, kele, and caroline; goofy girlyness and easy bonding. then trekking up to tupe we lolled on the bed while i nursed my tooth, watching the clock waiting for the next round of painkillers. eventually we meandered out to the living room for the ClaireCloud birthday hangout. The living room is gorgeous these days--still decked out as narnia with giant pine boughs all around and a big tree in the middle. the furnace was cookin', claire baking chocolate pudding cake and cloud preparing pots of tea, labeled in beautiful calligraphy. it was an art-baking-lounge party, so art supplies were strewn all around. i parked myself in my little pain-cloud in front of the furnace and relaxed into the mellow yummy vibes. pretty soon we started playing picture-sentence, where you write a sentence, then fold and pass and the next person draws their version of your sentence. at some point caroline offered real-deal pain killers, and my foggy cloud slowly became a little foggier and a little less painful. some hilarity with in the manner of the adverb, and then eventually we played Big Booty, a rowdy, fast paced circle clapping and shouting game. it felt fine and comfy to flow in and out as the tooth sensation dictated. eventually, marta and i made our way up to the cuddle loft-cum-beaver lodge; transformed into the coziest of spots w/bed, lamp, couch. in my drugged haze we chatted til nearly 1am. drifting off to sleep was pure decadence and thank god i slept through the night and woke up pain free!

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

the new human

at the landmark self expression and leadership training last week, the leader lowered her voice and told us conspiratorially --this is what we're doing. we're designing the New Human Being. a human that can create new possibilities at any point, that is not locked into the cumulative straight jacket of past experiences, made-up interpretations and stories, limiting self talk. a human that can step outside of this jumbled mess to state clearly what she is out to create and step boldly into that newly created space.

ro said the same, in a totally different context. she's a new kind of human--we are deprogramming ourselves. we are learning a way of loving that goes against our biological programming, goes against our cultural programming. unlearning jealousy, envy, possessiveness, needyness. or holding them more holisticallly and gently as mere illusions that pass on through, leaving us more spacious and able to receive. and give.

Monday, January 10, 2011

another day, another slash

ok, so i'm taking on foenix's unstated (and likely not even intended) challenge to use this durn blog a bit was a bit of a toughie and right now i'm raging at the difficulty of being intimate with people AT ALL. specifically people that i don't live with whose faces i can't see as they deliver curt one-liners regarding their state of being/lack of space for mine. sometimes it feels like the New Culture does away with basic courtesy--imposing the violent act of shoving my stuff down my throat, gulping it down til my gut protrudes with undigested emotion. so why? why? why? why does my ego demand constant stroking? because maybe that's all satisfying intimate connection is--an affirmation that I Exist. My friend Oren once told me: most conversations between two people could be boiled down to "me, me me, you. you you you me me me. me you you me, me you me you". and that's the truly scary bit, stepping into that space of us so that some part of me exists in some part of you, and then how do i hold that bit, how do i protect and keep it from being wounded when you he she it shuts me out or down or just turns away.

thank goddess i exist only as wispy bits of now

Sunday, January 9, 2011

i'm so tired, so wired. 48 hours of nearly straight social contact. dinner cooking frenzy friday afternoon, a massive chopping endeavor that culminated in candle lighting, bread and wine blessing and then feasting: black eyed peas, collards, sweet potato fries, rice, challah and apple crisp. living room exploding with people eating talking laughing. morph to poorly attended dance party, morph to mini puppy pile of self reflective hilarity. deafening poor ro and piercing the massage next door with my hyena like peals. late night skirmish with sky, melt down and more massive puppy pile into snuggly sleep with michele. waking early to the morning putterings of many houseguests, pancakes and yoga in the living room. quiete time, small chats and confessions, walk, snuggle, meditate. into the Fuzz, intensorama sharing and space for sky and i to start sorting through last nights mess with that amazing circle of love and support around us. (this is how i always thought it should be, how the heck are 2 people gonna magically know the answers to dealing with each others patterns and baggage and garbage. that village that we needed to raise us? turns out we still need it. or at least i do.) fuzz into discombobulation, then driving to TO playing the guessing game, where you pick a person and then ask questions to narrow it down: if this person were a tree, a kind of weather, a dinosaur. to TO to rolling and play, roughest yet and my first delving into that depth of power play==new, fun, scary silly sweet at the end into a cuddlysoftsafeloveychat. dinner and chaos, blast from the europe travels past and i'm briefly confronted with me 2 years ago. not a pretty sight. back up to tupelo, briefly crashing sky and feo's date; grateful for that and for the ease though how can leaving that scene when semi graciously invited by sky to do so be anything but awkward...back down to my own date, back into the rolling playfightingchattingscheminglove mode. then a late night scifiporno, my first and quite entertaining. sleeeeeeeeeeeeeep.........wake earlymeditate snuggle more and growly lions, to breakfast then sky debrief, back to snuggly bed w/feo for more chattinglaughing. introduced her to maude, my insecure self-bashing inner me and nancy, her flip; far better than you will ever be. poison! walking and eating and delving....back to tupe for romasky, more snuggles and holding sky who is the truck and immediate new fight explosion...finding some place to meet in the middle, sharing appreciations in a desperate attempt at finding a lifeline back to us...home and more process, taking responsibility for my own screwups with my favorite housemate, and finally the feast of the year for dinner, truly divine. pomegranitejicamaroasted nut salad, sundriedtomatorosmemary foccacia, and unspeakably delicious sweetpotato zuke bechemel lasagna.

so ready to collapse now into sweet sweet sleep.