Last night, I willingly fell victim to a west coast wolfer. Caught in a bout of loneliness, insecurity, and emotional neediness, I allowed myself to be spiritually violated by a wolf in hippies clothing. As sky said afterward, I "fell right into his eyes." some combination of intense eye-gazing, well-timed compliments, and pure woo-woo BS tore down my defenses and whirled me into la-la land.
On the surface, it looked perfectly innocent--just casual conversation and foot-rubs exchanged on the couch. But when I finally pulled myself away to go check in with a very agitated Sky hiding out upstairs, my body was shaking uncontrollably from the massive influx of coursing, ungrounded energy. Sky quickly doused my flame with his look of incredulity, telling me that this dude was a vampire who preyed on women.
It took quite a while to shake myself loose of space-dude's energetic grip; some vigorous yoga and a long hot shower helped, but even during the next morning's meditation session, my mind was still racing with anxiety and fear. It really threw me to see my self-destructive blind spots in action.
Later, reflecting on the whole scenario with sky, I realized that a lot of my emotional and sexual desire towards men is rooted in a yearning for groundedness, real or perceived. Since I often have trouble grounding my own energy, I feel pulled towards people who are (or seem) calm, solid, grounded. In a way, its me passing the buck, shirking my own responsibility to center and process my own shit by resting in the ease and comforting solidity of someone else's peaceful presence. Sky's groundedness is a large part of my attraction to him--but he's also got a strong manic side...and that part of him has, at times, triggered doubts in me about whether or not we are a good match. There's a part of me that craves deep and quiet calmness, in myself and in my relationships with other people. How can I honor that without giving away my power to skeezy poser freaks?
So I'm trying to take this experience as a strong reminder that its unrealistic and even potentially dangerous to rely on someone else to do my grounding work for me. And to cast a suspicious eye on premature foot-rub offers.
Proust's Parlor Game
8 years ago