Monday, September 22, 2014

now in cville

slogging on, since the future is the only thing ahead.  its been pretty days in virginia, crisp in the morning and evenings, pleasantly warm during the day.  sunday was lovely, stumbled upon a seeds shift and enjoyed that singular experience of doing shared rote work with people i may or may not know and the way it fosters conversation and connection.  fun to enjoy my celebrity status as x-oaker, x-woodfolker, vulgar bulgar, x-alexander houser, x-partner of sky. whole lotta cred that doesn't get me much anywhere else.  even got a little massage gig out of it!  now in cville, seeing more more more people.....trying to find new, exciting ways to talk about my life.

cleaning up the last vestiges of alexander house, angel stopping by and her sky and i having a moment of closure laughing at lun and us and this crazy thing we did how the heck did we even run this business.  driving with sky.  talks.  yeaaarning so damn hard.  that comfort home happy feeling just doesn't happen anymore.  he lives his life so big.  i want that person in my life.

the last drive to robert and thea's, hearing all the nitty gritty and feeling my guts just turnover everything breaking nothing to do no way to stop it.  nothing.  wanting so bad to hold on and knowing that and in that moment just throwing it all into the "this one's for the future" bucket.  i want this person in my life and all i can do to get there is keep walking away.  keep feeling the pain.  keep swallowing and crying.

months ago in a conversation with marta about my lack of friends in gville she asked if i really wanted friends.  and i'm getting that on some level i don't--i don't want it to work in gainesville.  i don't want to go through this whole thing again of having friends and joy and a life and then leaving it all.  much easier to just not have it.

and i'm so lucky--so lucky that sunday morning at the peak fear meltdown kathryn walked in and just let me cry.  that i get to hang out w/goofy friends and gig a wedding and eat delicious corned beef and tiramisu.   ezra saying that he noticed my rhythmic stuff and it was fun to play off, drinking pelegrinos.  nina's face and goofy smile.  sky sharing his pie while busking.  heading out on a super shmancy road bike down lazy virginia backroads, hay bales and puffy clouds.  dining on giant piles of watermelon. delicious butternut pear soup, thea and elsa asking about my life, laughing and crying and going through boxes.  flame treating me to himalayan buffet, raspberry lemon muffin for breakfast, the easeful familiarity of cville.  leaving my fiddle in trusted hands for overdue repairs.

so far, so bumpy, so smooth.  so far, so good. so far, here's to the halfway mark.