Tuesday, March 11, 2014

processing loss

its been a while since i've posted here.  i guess i am most inspired when i am at my lowest points.  who wants to hear about a bunch of happy swarmy s@#$ anyway right?  i just left a message for sky, who will not call me back.  who is occasionally willing to gchat with me in a superficial way and is likely moving towards wanting no contact at all.  then there's son, i can't even let that one in.  just overflows the bucket.  dead to me, writing songs about what a toxic force i am.  there's my housemate, we were building a really sweet connection, yeah i know never hook up w/your housemates.  6 weeks later, she still treats me somewhere on the spectrum from ice to superficial acquaintance.  there's paul, my 1st buddy down here, i don't even know what happened but we just stopped.  being.  friends.  i've also lost my home, feel like i need to give VA a wide berth for awhile.  there's roberto and marta, who are subsumed in their busy NY life and so don't have the energy to reach out and make contact.

i know i know, its a transition, a new town, a new life.  but i am so fucking sick and tired of processing loss.  and there's really no escape, it surrounds me from all sides pressing in until i can't breath and the only thing i can do to get oxygen in my lungs is cry cry cry cry cry cry.

and doesn't help when my period is 10 days late.

i really miss having friends.  people that just get me.  who can tell when there's something brewing inside and with a simple look let me know that i'm not alone.   people who just accept me as i am and even better, love me for it.  people who
want me to get them and to love them.

really, this whole thing's pretty stupid without that.