Friday, January 26, 2007

finally levelling out

just a quick pre-shabbat post to say, that things are finally clearing up and levelling out, thank g-d.

its hard, i haven't had my heart broken since i was 14 years old, but its good. i think its a good pain.

and it feels right if hard.

shabbat shalom

Thursday, January 25, 2007

trauma and drama

tuesday night gersh came here to play a concert for the ulpan, and it was all i could do to keep from throwing him on the bed the second he arrived. it felt so good to be seen and loved again, to have that instant wordless understanding. and playing music together is so intense and erotic...

i feel torn in half.

i'm afraid though, of what i'm doing to sky and more what i'm doing to G. why does it feel so compelling and important to me to connect with him? it is deeply painful, this whole process.

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

roller coaster

the roller coaster continues and today i am down down down in the dumps.

yesterday we were supposed to go to jerusalem, but it fell through/was too complicated. there was lots of entertainment around here though as drama abounded between the psycho bougie frenchie and psycho ukrainian hairdresser, ( i guess its boy related), then frenchie had a panic/asthma attack later in the night. its all kind of amusing.

today, i'm exhausted and in pain, physical and emotional. i feel totally alone--the girl i feel closest to here is morally opposed to polyamory/poly families, which makes me feel so warm and open. gershon has abandoned me again, and my stomach hurts from eating weird/bad food. i'm tired. i'm lonely. i'm sad.

such is life.

Sunday, January 21, 2007

so, nu...

sunday today, and things are feeling more balanced. or at least, i am feeling more balanced. there's a lot to say about shabbat and my feelings about judaism here on the kibbutz, etc, also a lively political debate re: the palestine israeli conflict but i'll save those for the mass email.

on the emotional side, things are feeling a bit more stable. sky and i talked last night, here's a snippet from his last email...
I've been having a hard time lately and I've been putting it on you, 
but it's just me. It's interesting to notice how easy it is to blame you,
the community, etc. as causing me to feel bad. Looking at it,
I see that I feel bad because of my own fears and insecurities.

I need to start making some serious shifts in my life. I'm sure there
are things I could be doing differently that would support me to shift
out of that negative self-msging and be more active and engaged in
life. So, I'm going to do a better job of taking responsibility for myself,
and feel free to call me on it if you notice me doing otherwise.
so that feels good-(what a good guy, eh? definately a keeper)

i still don't really understand what's going on with gershon (g, would you care to enlighten me?), although it seems that we are going to play a concert here on tuesday night. i feel pretty drained in that department, and not up for more intense ups and downs. hopefully it can just be mellow and good. its a bit scary and sad, too, because although i've met some really sweet people here on the ulpan, i miss the intimacy of a deep soul connection, and have been looking forward to seeing Gersh again for that reason. oh well.

this post is feeling a bit glum, perhaps because its a cold and rainy day. but class is great (i'm a total brown-nosing suck up), and i got out of kitchen duty today in proper israeli style. (when it was time to report to work, i just marched up to the main dishwasher lady and said, i want to work with you. then i stood their and refused to take no for an answer).

i met a very sweet x-uplanista last night, from eugene oregon. he's the first army guy i've met whose totally unthrilled about it. we had good philosophical/spiritual conversations, standing outside and watching the lightening. my brain was doing its normal thing of working hard to make it all mean something in the romantic/sexual realm. that pattern is like a tick with the super hard exoskeleton, so that when you try to squish it and it just won't die.

at work i thought about/remembered dancing with sky and nearly creamed my shorts. i am a nun.