seriously feels like there's an ice pick sticking out of my head right now, being hammered in. trying to find the reset button on this bodymind....
we went back today in class, back to 6 months before school began now that is 1 whack trip. i can't really touch much but i remember alot of pain and so much confusion.
now its like a vice, around my temples and the base of my head. squuueeeeezzzing.
housemate--will it ever get better?
friends--will i have any, ever
brain--will you stop torturing me
i notice that i'm not breathing and then go right back to not breathing. everything hurts and i can't make it stop. i can't do anything to make it stop b/c i can't breath and i can't move.
have been drinking lately to numb, that's a red flag. also for social points, because its so much easier to just be another person who drinks instead of constantly fighting upstream with this goddamn spiritual practice bullshit. guts are contracting too. i wish i was a zebra, just shake it off and back to the watering hole.
the body doesn't distinguish between the sabre tooth tiger and the bullshit anxiety i generate apropos of nothing. so right now, i'm basically being attacked by a saber tooth tiger. so this is what it feels like. i hate being around people who require constant social management, a constant flow of words that must be generated. my neck is being mangled by a sabre tooth tiger. its cold and rainy outside. my basil starts are getting awfully leggy. i want to dissolve into a puddle of goo, or maybe lavender water. e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g. HURTS
i just want someone to come fix me, prop me up so i can fall without crashing but i guess all there is really (sigh, and again) is enjoy the falling, or at least just let it be that. crash. i'm. the. laaaaast
splash.
really now, just one step at a time here. its trying and wanting to do everything that makes the pot boil over. gotta scale back and down, starting with.
lie on the floor
roll around on the floor
check the potatoes
cry
breathe.
oh yeah, maybe that one first.
also i'm tired of feeling terrified of jessay. really makes me feel kinda physically ill at this point. i can't escape, feel trapped and stuck and scared and tired.
right, breathing.
oh yeah and potatoes.
we went back today in class, back to 6 months before school began now that is 1 whack trip. i can't really touch much but i remember alot of pain and so much confusion.
now its like a vice, around my temples and the base of my head. squuueeeeezzzing.
housemate--will it ever get better?
friends--will i have any, ever
brain--will you stop torturing me
i notice that i'm not breathing and then go right back to not breathing. everything hurts and i can't make it stop. i can't do anything to make it stop b/c i can't breath and i can't move.
have been drinking lately to numb, that's a red flag. also for social points, because its so much easier to just be another person who drinks instead of constantly fighting upstream with this goddamn spiritual practice bullshit. guts are contracting too. i wish i was a zebra, just shake it off and back to the watering hole.
i just want someone to come fix me, prop me up so i can fall without crashing but i guess all there is really (sigh, and again) is enjoy the falling, or at least just let it be that. crash. i'm. the. laaaaast
splash.
really now, just one step at a time here. its trying and wanting to do everything that makes the pot boil over. gotta scale back and down, starting with.
lie on the floor
roll around on the floor
check the potatoes
cry
breathe.
oh yeah, maybe that one first.
also i'm tired of feeling terrified of jessay. really makes me feel kinda physically ill at this point. i can't escape, feel trapped and stuck and scared and tired.
right, breathing.
oh yeah and potatoes.
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