today=WOW, or, too tired for pronouns

7AM: re-setting the alarm, grudgingly dragging myself out of bed, groggily eating potatoes and mushrooms, biking the hilly route to hogwaller, shell's little shackety shack filled with warm baking smells and beautiful cupid bikers in red tutus and pink tuxedos. drinking coffee and eating chocochip scones, mixing a batch of scones, cleaning up, delivering an order and then home, meditate.

2PM: thea and crew arrive with ample decorations to transform the house, pinning red clothes to the ceilings, sweep, mop, repeat. transforming the bathroom in to a den of beauty. the living room into a decadent lounge and dance stage. the kitchen into a cozy snacky spot.

5PM: cooking dinner, frantically...wanting to feed and nurture everyone with dahl, rice, potatoes n' onions, cabbage salad. resting for 2 blissful minutes, cocooned in my nestbed hands over eyes.

7PM: back into the fray, last minute prepping. upstairs to transform myself into a beautiful queen (cassopeia). back down to a kitchen full of costumed wonder-folk! eyebrows shoot up and remain for the duration of the night. sky orienting people, (CASSANDRA CAME!!) who enter shoeless to our palace of love and sweet comfort. bouncing around, arranging snacks, washing last dishes. welcoming people.

9PM: creating a web of community connection and appreciation, heart swelling larger. bonfire lighting people's faces. plopping on the couch, robert telling me i'm beautiful. connecting deeply--not with words but rather shared emotion. sinking in. dancing. feeling the love vibe. getting a foot massage from raven.

people drifting off, more thanks, feeling the profundity of creating this space of openness and love here in town. amazed again that we pulled it off.

weight

i've been feeling heavy of late--weighted down. yesterday while cooking dinner and
listening to israeli music i had this intensely poignant longing for judaism. for feeling a part of something spiritual, deep, meaningful, lasting. ancient.

all day i've been inexplicably on the verge of tears, like someone i love has died. no excuse, it was a beautiful sunny day. tarot told me to consult a fiery crone-like woman. know of any?

i'm losing touch with the things that are most important to me, that i am intuitively drawn to; massage, herbal healing, doula training, music. my life feels very male; goal oriented, driven. tiring. stressful. lacking in beauty and grace.

help!