date!

ok fine yes its sad.  i feel sad about forming this connection that so far is so sweet and innocent and easy and fun.

last night we had a date night--he came by the house and we sat on the porch for a spell, watching the rain come in and not kissing.  eventually we walked downtown, me in rainboots and through the drops, to the Wooly for the art opening.  it was packed and full of lots of different arts....he bought me a drink....we looked at the art and ran into everybody we knew (more him of course but some for me too) and then got paged for our table at the Top next door.  packed and noisy we found our little table for 2, ordered udon noodles w/ pork belly (whaaaaat) and some kind of fancy chicken....and corn nuggets.....chatting and eating deliciousness, helloing to more people.  eventually ali and lexi came by....we finally finished, when out back to have a drink w/ali (who does this stuff?? not me at least not so far...so adult feeling or mainstream or something but i like it).  then we walked back home for dancing shoes, sat another spell on the porch with chelseax2 and kentucky, reminiscing dirty fist days and chatting, drinking pbr........then back downtown to the atlantic for dancing....another drink.......hemming and hawing and then cutting it up on the dance floor, suuper fun......another drink these ones were pretty strong.....walking home finally.....and then rolling and playing and sweetness and finally sleep.....waking this morning for another round, then potato collard omlette out on the porch....some hanging about and then i gave him  a massage....which turned into round 3.....and then packing up bags, to flacos for sandwiches and volta for homework time.

what is this???? so sweet and easy and fun and pleasant and i'll probably never see him again by the end of the summer.  trying not to imagine the things.....and just let it be and also not wanting to set myself up for more hurt.  

pit

that precarious moment, balanced between the plunge and....the abyss....6days and a wake up frank said today.  i'm t.e.r.r.i.f.i.e.d. standing on the edge of this precipce.  i want it to be in something, to be someone to have a life to feel certain and steady and

i

don't

.

watching myself desperately trying to push into these different worlds, to just be somewhere, someone. terrified of floating away feet gently losing ground until i'm bobbing invisibly above this world and in no world, only watching what i am not a part of.

ezra and mala here is a sweet treat, and hearing all the latest at twin oaks, feeling that yearn to be back home again much as so much of it didn't work so much of it does and that feeling of home

ease

being seen and known

i feel fatigued with the effort of trying to be someone, of working to be.

just

tired

wanting to swirl into a life that flows around me through me and is me.  instead of constantly beating at the doors of myself trying to be.  instead of me caged inside screaming to be let out and filtered through all the fucking bullshit trash that is clogging my head and my heart.

tired.

i just don't want to be alone, i just want people to see me and let love be enough.  i think i'm yearning for a time and place that hasn't yet been or is always being.

also still terrified of myself and my crazy obsessiveness and ability to poison with love.  so called.

and underneath it pema nails it again....

"we also see our strong belief that if only we could do everything right, we'd be able to find a safe, comfortable, and secure place to spend the rest of our lives"--pema chodron

this isn't good

seriously feels like there's an ice pick sticking out of my head right now, being hammered in.  trying to find the reset button on this bodymind....

we went back today in class, back to 6 months before school began now that is 1 whack trip.  i can't really touch much but i remember alot of pain and so much confusion.

now its like a vice, around my temples and the base of my head.  squuueeeeezzzing.

housemate--will it ever get better?

friends--will i have any, ever

brain--will you stop torturing me

i notice that i'm not breathing and then go right back to not breathing.  everything hurts and i can't make it stop.  i can't do anything to make it stop b/c i can't breath and i can't move.

have been drinking lately to numb, that's a red flag.  also for social points, because its so much easier to just be another person who drinks instead of constantly fighting upstream with this goddamn spiritual practice bullshit.  guts are contracting too.  i wish i was a zebra, just shake it off and back to the watering hole.

the body doesn't distinguish between the sabre tooth tiger and the bullshit anxiety i generate apropos of nothing.  so right now, i'm basically being attacked by a saber tooth tiger.  so this is what it feels like.  i hate being around people who require constant social management, a constant flow of words that must be generated.  my neck is being mangled by a sabre tooth tiger.  its cold and rainy outside.  my basil starts are getting awfully leggy.  i want to dissolve into a puddle of goo, or maybe lavender water.  e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g. HURTS

i just want someone to come fix me, prop me up so i can fall without crashing but i guess all there is really (sigh, and again) is enjoy the falling, or at least just let it be that.  crash.  i'm. the. laaaaast

splash.

really now, just one step at a time here.  its trying and wanting to do everything that makes the pot boil over.  gotta scale back and down, starting with.

lie on the floor

roll around on the floor

check the potatoes

cry

breathe.

oh yeah, maybe that one first.  

also i'm tired of feeling terrified of jessay.  really makes me feel kinda physically ill at this point.  i can't escape, feel trapped and stuck and scared and tired.

right, breathing.

oh yeah and potatoes.