dissolving

Artwork by Larry Vienneau Jr

this week was just, going going going, girls rock camp alldayeverday.  full long days.  some satisfying. some utterly demoralizing.  one day i woke up from bad dreams so happy to be alive and not dreaming.  the next, woke with dread at another day with these girls.  the best moments came frequently.  dissolving on the back porch w/KY delivering the wisdom.  Ali cooking us a fancy fish dinner.  Tessa's rockstar moves.  meditation class with the girls, reconnecting to this practice and watching the deep impact even a tiny dose can have, the girls sharing their vulnerability.  feeling a part of something way bigger and more powerful than me.  and there's a strong pull inside to take myself away, tell myself i'm not a part, don't belong.

today the waves of sadness came crashing in--at not being a part of twin oaks where so much of my identity remains.  at not being partnered with sky, my own personal super-hero.  being connected to him meant i was somebody who was doing meaningful things in the world.  so who am i now?  

now, just a floater.  it hurts to feel the formation of layers of identity, as they crust over like cooled soup.  stronger than liquid but not by much and one small poke reveals the fluid past undulating just below.  grieving allows for release of loss.  i hope i hope i hope, stumbling forward.

i have been falling into some sick-mind patterns lately.  reaching hard for something to fill the emptyness left from losing all of my friends.  the emptyness just below the surface this face trying to hide it. this week all i want to do is go back home, stop talking to people i don't know who don't know me.  stop. trying.  so hard all the time.

today at church, dar turned to me with her kind, all-knowing eyes and said "i see you're starting to come every week" and i almost dissolved.  ach, to be seen.  to be noticed, my presence taken note of and appreciated.  that place is becoming important, the one time in the week when i truly exhale and feel welcomed.

i have felt so worn down the last few days, just physically broken.  i think its the sheer volume of external stimulation, because i'm finally getting plenty of sleep.

i want to end on a positive note, but i guess its just not in me.  its hard watching that world up there move forward without me, while my own little world still shifts beneath my feet as i blindly grasp for grounding.

gratefulness list:
endless blueberries
connecting more with my housemates
music
um, i'm going to spain
new job with free unlimited network chiropractic
new massage client who prefers gentle work
beautiful, affordable massage office
music. music. music
people who adore me
eating fresh seasonal food
people who adore me all over the world
friends who give goodbye gifts of soap
the space to feel sad
dancing
united church of gainesville
raspberries
AC
afternoon rainstorms
banana butterscotch bourbon blondies
laughter
striped tights
moments of grace