crawling

slowly creeping forward in this crazy tandem crush dance and drawn deeper, voices duking it out daily.  desire, overwhelming, pulling me under.  worry, fear doubt, yanking my hand back.  different for each one--the 1st, just the fear of watching the same f'n story play out again, catching myself in the same thoughts sometimes literally as before before and before that.  i don't know how to unplay that tape, how to find a deeper groove that is true and honest--reaching for those things i fall again and again.  in #2, still the doubt of course, the unknown, and a different set of thoughts....am i just using this for my own various nefarious purposes.  hiding from number 1.  hiding from my own pain.  stealing my way into a friendship i don't deserve.   i can feel myself wielding my power all while trying not to.  too many thoughts of course.....just let be let be let be.  doesn't help that my practice is, of course, faltering.

 really at root i feel overwhelmed, these (and everything) feed in.

 when i can make myself stop, stop STOP for a split second like on the way to school today, hashing it out just me and me while flying down the road then its so ridiculously clear.  how f'n lucky i am, how blessed to have people, beautiful people who see and love something of this me-ness.  the support that nearly drowns me.  the wind on my face, mist on the lake, moon in the sky and sun rising in the east as i pound the pedals on this speed-demon beauty of a bike.  nothing but goodness now REALLY.  including the delight of that family mode, just here, no where else and certainly nothing to fight against.

when i can remember how tiny my brain is in the vastness of the universe, the breath that has been holding in my chest remembers to let go and that its ok to release because after all its not just me in here breathing.  this giant vibrating organism of a planet is breathing me in and out and my tininess is magnificent in the freedom it affords.

so yep coming back to the same and always letting go letting be.  nothing to rush or understand, just letting it take me.  take me.

take me