Thursday, August 20, 2015

richmond day 2

--initiated check-ins for our crew, shared concerns re: kitchen and 'bath'
--first round of organizing my stuffs in mah room
--revamped/set up kitchen to be functional, cleaned out entire set of cabinets
--massive grocery shopping at cheap-ass salvage grocery
--met neighbor, potential laundry solution
--black-plasticked poison ivy spots
--located bike lock and key
--set up practice station for fidl
--bath and dinner
--very successful/gratifying 3 hour rehearsal with my son the doctor
--gathering of more potential massage office options
--making new friends
--kept "omfg what have i done" chasm at bay for another day


Wednesday, August 19, 2015

great grate greightful

skipping over the last two months of:

--blackfire band tour to NOLA, Austin etc
--10 day meditation retreat
--adventures in jacksonville, fl and chicago, IL
--mom visit in MI and 7 day backpacking trip on isle royale national park
--whirlwind visit to richmond, walking miles around the city finding a home and bike
--week of amazing balkan music and dance at the balkan music and dance camp in upstate ny
--amazing weekend of blackfire gigs in NYC
--whirlwind twin oaks visit


first day in RVA:

in which i helped build a porch, got groceries, taught and sang macedonian and croation songs in 2 part harmony, went to a planning meeting for extravagant giant puppet events for gallery 5 and halloween, and visited the gorgeous james river at sundown.

so far, all is going according to plan.  

Sunday, May 31, 2015


Yesterday i woke up early and Cody picked me up to work the Alachua farmer's market.  it was really fun to be on the other side of things, selling the beautiful veggies that i've been helping grow.  this market is for serious shoppers--they keep the gates closed until 8:30 then ring a bell and the crowds flood in, armed with wagons and carts.  the last of the lettuces, some nice okra and eggplants and beautiful herbs flew of the tables.  we realized quickly that "heirloom fingerlings" would sell better then "russian banana potato", tried to give away as many giant zukes as we could and snacked on blueberries.

afterward, cody took me out to eat lunch with the fam at the daily green--they do a veggie trade for food there, so i had a delicious squash/bacon soup and a bacon-raddiccio-tomato sandwich on sourdough.  those kids are super cute, especially the badass sofie (4) who went up the counter to wait on line and order herself a grilled cheese.

after an afternoon of decadent lounging and a smoothie, i pulled myself back together for my last solo Fat Tuscan gig.  3 hours of background music at an italian restaurant.  Michele, the owner, is travelling in Asia right now so it feels like mom's away.  all the people there know me now and its a really relaxed vibe.  i set up on the porch and a russian family's little girl twirled and sang along to my songs.  took a break for ceviche-and-pasta salad dinner, played some more tunes, and then enjoyed my coconut-lime cheesecake.

just a little snippet of the sweet things that come my way.

things are looking good for the move.  i think i found  a place to live and a place to train, probably the most important things for my sanity.  still need a bike.  but its all rolling along in good time.

i will really miss the dojo and my Sifu, but... I will be baaack!!!

Wednesday, May 20, 2015

piling on

ach, starting to feel scared and overwhelmed.  need  a place to live, a bike, a job, a place to work, a balkan band, a source of local veggies and other organic foods, friends to do stuff with, stuff to store stuff in.

i've started to find really amazing supports here in gainesville dammit, just as i am on the cusp of leeaaving.  lame.

last night mourning glories opened for the hackensaw boys at the High Dive.  they stuck around to watch our set and the fiddler complemented my fiddling after.  i had post-show high after and couldn't stop chattering.

and still i keep facing how f-ing thin skinned i am, cry at the drop of a hat.  i got to beat the s%$# out of a punching bag for 15 minutes at the dojo today that felt so great. didn't even realize i was pantingly out of breath as i beat that thing.  sifu was all business today, focussed, clear, efficient.  thank god i didn't have to fight vincent.  its hot.  i'm tired.  this week is a marathon of work and laundry and dojo and rehearsal and shows.  and then the weekend of florida folk fest.

ok, here's some stuff i did this week lest i feel like a useless lump

-passed my tai chi test for part 1 of the form
-opened for the hackensaw boys tuesday
-band practice sunday, monday and tuesday
-got my adrenals working together with my ovaries and thalmus
-gave 2 massages
-worked on monday and wednesday

still to come:
-thursday night 3 hour marathon show
-making food for this weekend

meanwhile, trying to finish all the loose ends of moving and restarting.  keep booking and organizing gigs for the various bands.  finalize tour show and lodging details.  finalize various inter-state travel plans.  

um.....yeah.  the stress is all making sense now.  

Wednesday, May 6, 2015

catch up

i have been slacking of late, but only on this blog.  after that last post things got to kind of a fever pitch of internal struggling awfulness, and i finally decided i needed to do something.  and that something was.....


yup.  the same dojo where i've been doing Tai Chi twice a week offers daily kung fu training.  just drop in anytime before 12 and 7 and you will get to kick your own butt for the low low price of an additional $20/month.  who could say no that?

its actually been really really awesome. it is definitely the most consistently physically challenging thing i've ever done, and i regularly believe myself to be at my limit and find out that...i'm not!   i realized today that one thing i love about it, even though it regularly destroys me, is that it is the one place in my life where i get to show up, every day (M-F), be welcomed with kind sincerity, be pushed to my limits, and the whole time know exactly what i'm supposed to be doing.  almost everywhere else and everything else i do includes some nagging voice--"you're not working hard/fast enough, your being awkward, you don't know enough, you did that wrong, you should be doing X, Y, Z, not J, K, L."  and on and on.  at the dojo, its super simple  (though not easy).  150 crescent kicks on the bag GO.  and that's it.  and much as i may not want to, all that there is to do in that moment is do those F@#%ing kicks.  and when i feel like i just can't, then pause.  and go right back to them.

its also been awesome to have this physical outlet--because my anger tends to run hot and just under the surface.  its likely pretty old, unresolved stuff that gets triggered.  but i'll tell you what, punching  a bag 1000 times in a day will take all that anger right out.  puts things in perspective.

and, i feel stronger; physically, of course but more importantly, mentally and emotionally.  the same issues are still here.  feeling lonely, isolated, a bit at drift in the world.  self doubt, self-loathing, judgments towards me and everyone.  but its easier to just let them be what they are and not get as thoroughly sucked into their vortex of unsolvable mental and emotional tornadoes.

i even appreciate the physical contact, something i'm not getting all that much of these days.

plus, my teacher is super badass.

Saturday, April 25, 2015

i saw the sign(s)

well, i kept an eye out for signs and i called for's the list of today's signs/moments of grace:

1.  a lovely morning bike ride with my friend lizzi to the prairie.  we spotted some horses.

2. finding out about theology on tap, another opportunity to plug into the best church in town (United Church of Gainesville)

3. i made granola.  i planted my roselle and spread horse poop in my garden.  i ate my first bean and admired the tomatoes that are coming on.  one curly kale has survived.

4.  i randomly stopped at a friends house to pick up my phone charger and they invited me in for sausage and salad while their adorable naked baby romped with her potty book.

5.  playing solo at the fat tuscan again.  yummy fish/couscous dinner.  moving inside when it got buggy, and encountering a Fan who blossomed with surprise and delight upon sighting me with fiddle in hand.

6.  sky setting me straight and telling me how important i am to him and how much he cares about me.

7. biking home with leftover fish and the last piece of blueberry pie.

Friday, April 24, 2015

you matter

yep, time for another sad n' lonely post.  yay!  i am so damned sick of these pathetic self-pitying pieces of schlock, honestly.  but what can you do.

today i had a plan.  with a friend.  for after work.  i was so excited all day about not having to go home to the dark separateness of my solitary apartment.  we were meeting to go see the senior film projects from 2 UF classes, being shown downtown at the Wooly.  It was really nice.  i guess, i just figured, it being artwalk night and the entire town being out that maybe we'd continue hanging out after but alas.


2 things

1.  i got a message today from a friend that i had randomly reached out to recently on email, and they told me that just this weekend they had been having a particularly low ebb and contemplated killing themselves as well as planning how they would carry it out

2.  biking home with the usual rip-in-the-gut of feeling rejected again and utterly alone in the world, i screeched to a stop at an intersection where i didn't have the right of way, right as a car sped around the corner.  as the car slowed down the tiniest bit, the driver called out the window not unkindly, "watch for the sign".

so, as usual, i have a choice.  watch for the dark gloom (which will find me anyway), or watch for the sign.  when i got home, i reached deep to the very bottom of my mailbox, begging it to deliver.  and, lo and behold, a tiny envelope all the way at the bottom: