Monday, September 22, 2014

now in cville

slogging on, since the future is the only thing ahead.  its been pretty days in virginia, crisp in the morning and evenings, pleasantly warm during the day.  sunday was lovely, stumbled upon a seeds shift and enjoyed that singular experience of doing shared rote work with people i may or may not know and the way it fosters conversation and connection.  fun to enjoy my celebrity status as x-oaker, x-woodfolker, vulgar bulgar, x-alexander houser, x-partner of sky. whole lotta cred that doesn't get me much anywhere else.  even got a little massage gig out of it!  now in cville, seeing more more more people.....trying to find new, exciting ways to talk about my life.

cleaning up the last vestiges of alexander house, angel stopping by and her sky and i having a moment of closure laughing at lun and us and this crazy thing we did how the heck did we even run this business.  driving with sky.  talks.  yeaaarning so damn hard.  that comfort home happy feeling just doesn't happen anymore.  he lives his life so big.  i want that person in my life.

the last drive to robert and thea's, hearing all the nitty gritty and feeling my guts just turnover everything breaking nothing to do no way to stop it.  nothing.  wanting so bad to hold on and knowing that and in that moment just throwing it all into the "this one's for the future" bucket.  i want this person in my life and all i can do to get there is keep walking away.  keep feeling the pain.  keep swallowing and crying.

months ago in a conversation with marta about my lack of friends in gville she asked if i really wanted friends.  and i'm getting that on some level i don't--i don't want it to work in gainesville.  i don't want to go through this whole thing again of having friends and joy and a life and then leaving it all.  much easier to just not have it.

and i'm so lucky--so lucky that sunday morning at the peak fear meltdown kathryn walked in and just let me cry.  that i get to hang out w/goofy friends and gig a wedding and eat delicious corned beef and tiramisu.   ezra saying that he noticed my rhythmic stuff and it was fun to play off, drinking pelegrinos.  nina's face and goofy smile.  sky sharing his pie while busking.  heading out on a super shmancy road bike down lazy virginia backroads, hay bales and puffy clouds.  dining on giant piles of watermelon. delicious butternut pear soup, thea and elsa asking about my life, laughing and crying and going through boxes.  flame treating me to himalayan buffet, raspberry lemon muffin for breakfast, the easeful familiarity of cville.  leaving my fiddle in trusted hands for overdue repairs.

so far, so bumpy, so smooth.  so far, so good. so far, here's to the halfway mark. 

Friday, September 19, 2014

back

Back at twin oaks after nearly a year.  stepping into the courtyard and feeling the radical shift in bio-region wash over me; these woods are soft and sweet and soothing, a welcome change from florida's actively hostile environment. yesterday, up at 3am, on the road at 5, in the air at 9, lunch at 12, james river at 3, dinner at 7, band practice at 7 30, bed at 11.....and today i feel exhausted from  day filled with more human interactions than probably the last month combined.  also buffeted by the unrelenting memories flooding over me.  data overload.

my body is working overtime trying to process it all after a years worth of hibernation.  a promising talk with sky.  yummy food.  many babies.  hugs, chats.   exhaustion exhaustion exhaustion.  confusion.  overwhelm.  delicious clean drinking water.  explanations of plumbing systems installed.  many details.  trying to explain my life in a few words. tired of smiling pleasantly.  tired.  

Wednesday, August 20, 2014

that kind of week--welcome home!

apologies for the continual self-pitying solipsistic tone of this blog.  there is much to be grateful
for.  and right now, this is the kind of week this is
message from spain

1.  my fiddle's A string is unravelling
2. someone pulls out a stop sign outside my workplace in order to steal my bicycle
3.  upon waking up this morning, my housemates accuse me of being a liar
4. my other housemate is mad at me and not speaking to me because she threw away my giant container of veganaise while i was traveling. she is angry that i asked her to in the future, check with me before throwing away things with my name on them
5. i got politely booted from the jazz bandits, due to their already large size as a band

i am so sick of people asking how i am, and then as i start to slowly unfurl into giving an honest, vulnerable answer, walking away.  i am so sick of feeling like a claustrophobic prisoner in my own house.  i am sick of trying to be nice to people who clearly do not give 2 shits about me.  i'm sick of stupid arguments, emotional penalties, games with people who just don't care.

returning from spain, i am holding open many questions.  and also little tolerance for the BS masquerading as my life that blocks my own real aliveness and the things that truly matter.  we will all be dust in the blink of an eye, why to waste this precious store of life-ness!

p.s. housemate #1 just apologized for being feisty.  

Sunday, June 15, 2014

dissolving


this week was just, going going going, girls rock camp alldayeverday.  full long days.  some satisfying. some utterly demoralizing.  one day i woke up from bad dreams so happy to be alive and not dreaming.  the next, woke with dread at another day with these girls.  the best moments came frequently.  dissolving on the back porch w/KY delivering the wisdom.  Ali cooking us a fancy fish dinner.  Tessa's rockstar moves.  meditation class with the girls, reconnecting to this practice and watching the deep impact even a tiny dose can have, the girls sharing their vulnerability.  feeling a part of something way bigger and more powerful than me.  and there's a strong pull inside to take myself away, tell myself i'm not a part, don't belong.

today the waves of sadness came crashing in--at not being a part of twin oaks where so much of my identity remains.  at not being partnered with sky, my own personal super-hero.  being connected to him meant i was somebody who was doing meaningful things in the world.  so who am i now?  


now, just a floater.  it hurts to feel the formation of layers of identity, as they crust over like cooled soup.  stronger than liquid but not by much and one small poke reveals the fluid past undulating just below.  grieving allows for release of loss.  i hope i hope i hope, stumbling forward.

i have been falling into some sick-mind patterns lately.  reaching hard for something to fill the emptyness left from losing all of my friends.  the emptyness just below the surface this face trying to hide it. this week all i want to do is go back home, stop talking to people i don't know who don't know me.  stop. trying.  so hard all the time.

today at church, dar turned to me with her kind, all-knowing eyes and said "i see you're starting to come every week" and i almost dissolved.  ach, to be seen.  to be noticed, my presence taken note of and appreciated.  that place is becoming important, the one time in the week when i truly exhale and feel welcomed.

i have felt so worn down the last few days, just physically broken.  i think its the sheer volume of external stimulation, because i'm finally getting plenty of sleep.

i want to end on a positive note, but i guess its just not in me.  its hard watching that world up there move forward without me, while my own little world still shifts beneath my feet as i blindly grasp for grounding.

gratefulness list:
endless blueberries
connecting more with my housemates
music
um, i'm going to spain
new job with free unlimited network chiropractic
new massage client who prefers gentle work
beautiful, affordable massage office
music. music. music
people who adore me
eating fresh seasonal food
people who adore me all over the world
friends who give goodbye gifts of soap
the space to feel sad
dancing
united church of gainesville
raspberries
AC
afternoon rainstorms
banana butterscotch bourbon blondies
laughter
striped tights
moments of grace


Monday, June 9, 2014

more lists

there has been so much abundance in my life of late that there is no time to blog about it.  highlights:

*waking up to a pan of homemade enchiladas and 5 lbs of organic ripe blueberries in the fridge with my name on them

*an entire day spent at the beautiful prairie creek lodge, hazy sun, sipping beers, meandering through the woodsy natural burial cemetery with sweet friends, lolling listening to music.  "can i buy you a vanilla ice cream?"

*curled up together on the porch papazon at night, drifting in and out of sleep. waking to see you gazing down at me with heavy-lidded care-filled eyes.

*church.  knees touch. sweet gaze.  tears.

*blissfully canoeing around lake wauburg, lounging in the middle seat in a lawn chair, 2 canoes chatting, sun setting.  tunes in the gazebo.  tunes indoors.

*riding bike no hands under the half moon, summer warmth blowing around me

*abandoned blueberry farm, sitting by the lake with bags full of warm sweet berries chatting no time hidden away

*being stopped short in the hallway by a hand on the back of my head that causes my blood to alternately boil and pump wildly, freezing and melting simultaneously

*days of folk fest, meandering lazily and in good company.  eating free shrimp.  hearing music everywhere.  dancing dancing dancing.  midnight skinny dip under the moon and electric heat rising off of every surface

*skies opening and rain pouring, stuck on a porch with the blue sky peeking through

*catching eyes across a roomful of dancing people at GODS contra dance.  laser.

*securing an awesome new massage office; landlord hugs me.  amazing job offer that includes unlimited free network chiropractic.  standing job offer at siembra.

*fridge full to bursting of delicious local organic veggies

*friends who want to massage me

*amazing key lime pie on a rainy saturday, laughing and laughing at cards against humanity and celebrity

*raspberries.  melons.  papaya.  BLUEBERRIES.  

Friday, May 30, 2014

no more waiting for godot

i want to run pell-mell away from this stupid inexplicable city where people go for drinks and everything is multi-layered and requires cultural literacy and interpretation.  i'm so norm corps i don't even know what it is and i fucking hate this stupid, insane complexity.  i'm begging for simplicity here, where the thing you say is the deepest truth available and you take it from there.  i don't have the time, patience, or the brain power for these games that i always lose anyway.  so tired.  probably those 5 hours of sleep aren't helping either.

how the hell do i carve out a bit of normal for myself in this?  what is friendship where you never see the friend?  taking a break from the alcy def seems like it would help.  and a narrowing narrowing down to a few that i can trust because man, it feels so shitty to be around people i don't trust.  tears well up when i think about home where people care about me and respect me enough to just be honest for fuck's sake.

dreaming all night about all of this and yeah already i'm starting to put HER on a fucking pedestal like that will help anything.  brain working overtime and into the night trying to work the problem.  man i miss sky.  and gpaul.  and calvin.  and misty.  and kate.  and kristina.  and angel.  and wendy.  michele, ro, marta.  god fucking dammit.  i hate this place sometimes, the headaches it gives me.  and here totally indulging in my victimhood, the way it forces my hand into these shitty addictive loops.


its also amazing living with chelsea and getting inspired by her summer dog days--practicing different instruments, baking, gardening, reading.  that is a life i want.  feels like maybe more narrowly subscribing my days and my interactions with people is in the cards.  thing 1 and thing 2 here at the house; i am just fed up.  you are amazing people and right now my emotional resilience cannot bear to deal with navigating your treacherous emotional labyrinths.


need to escape to the inside, to the still quiet nest of solitude and peace and SANITY.  i need stronger barriers right now, and a settling.  a settling inside.  a sifting and quieting.  its time to stop taking in new inputs, time for integration and weeding out.  simplifying.  and dealing with the addiction.  so tired of the reaching towards those who are not reaching back.  can feel my guts all distended and exposed, stretched out and sullied from the exposure to the elements.  road grit.  cat hairs.

my head hurts so much i can't even see straight and still i push myself.  time for the unwinding.  the undoing.  the unmaking.  the batting down for summer, curling in on myself exoskeleton out.


i can feel myself desperately reaching for that one in my head, a life raft out of this toxic sludge stream.  but that cannot be.  the only direction to unwind now is inside; nothing to say until this little ball of fear and hatred is a little less calcified, a little more spacious.  until there's a little more room for breath to wend its way through.

so tired of forcing myself to reach out and trust complete fucking strangers.  yes, they've been very gracious but now i want only my own gentle, knowing comfort.  time to stop waiting for someone to hold me and know and just do it for my own damn self.  

Wednesday, May 28, 2014

space

waaaanttting.....is a good feeling.  i forget that, the sweet sweet torture of not getting what you want forces the joy of it to the surface.  and when i do get what i want it often already tastes slightly stale.  even figuring out what i want is a trick i have not yet mastered.

and, i do feel slightly boxed in by my life, and mystified as to how it fills up so solidly.

why is flirting so fun?  i think its something about the certainty and moment of shared intimacy, clear and wordless.

kalpesh began my unwinding process last night in class, the most key component being




                              S             P             A              C                  E


and i am striving to grant myself (and those around me) this beautiful gift.  a breath.  a pause.  a gap.

and experience the wanting without the having.