3 weeks away

I just came back from a 3 week trip of amazing intensity; the first leg was going up to Massachusetts to sit my 5th 10 day meditation course.


my teacher
I went in with a strong intention to WORK, hard, and focus. It helped to have my own room, and my own meditation cell. other than hours and hours of meditation, a few things stood out. One was the moment when i caught my mind in the act of grasping for something, ANYTHING, to react to. I witnessed it scrambling madly for some thought or memory, positive or negative, to latch onto and then freak out about. fascinating to see that my mind's ceaseless exertion is not necessarily about feeling good or bad, only that my brain is constanly in the act of grasping for something to react to.

There was also a fascinating moment when i got to witness myself generating negativity, anger in this case. The whole course functions by bell--bells are rung to signify the end of each sit, the start of each meal, when to wake up, etc. towards the middle they started to get spotty; one tea time bell was a half hour late and they stopped ringing altogether in the pagoda. a bit unsettling, naturally, but not a huge deal. one day, i was sitting in the hall during the last pre-tea time stretch. my mind started to wander, contemplating whether or not the teatime bell would be rung. my body intuitively felt that the end of this session was approaching, and some part of my mind queried, "what if thye don't ring the bell?" and in response, in a moment of stark mental/emotional clarity, i watched the thought/emotion rise up from deep within myself, clearly illuminated by the nothingness that surrounded it..."i'm gonna be pissed!" what!?!? i'm making the conscious decision to generate this negativity, creating suffering for myself? WTF? crazy to see this, and a deep learning moment.

Another highlight was at the end, the metta session where we learn the loving kindness meditation. i've already internalized to some degree the concept that all suffering truly comes from within, not from outside circumstances. yes, hard to actually put into practice in one's life. in a way though, its easy; no ones wants to suffer, and if i'm truly the source of it, it provides a clear path out of suffering. but somehow i'd never quite heard the flip side, which is of course equally important. the source of happiness is only inside me, not outside. whoa! huge! that radically transforms my orientation to everything, illucidating how much i depend on outside sources for my happiness.

more soon on the other amazing and inspiring legs of my journey.......

music

i quit playing violin for over a month recently. all the band/combo stuff dried up--accordianist from accordian death squad joined the circus in south america, and trout and i seem to have lost the motivation for the irish stuff. things got busy, we bought this hostel, etc. somehow, it doesn't take much and suddenly i'm back to being 12 years old and not wanting to "practice." nevermind that it brings me immense joy, and is critical to my mental/emotional well-being. i'm just to fidgety NOT to play music--having the outlet available at all times is so sanity inducing.

finally, thank goodness, someone posted a link to this video on facebook . i showed it to housemate darla who does not have this problem--she obsessively plays music all the time, and told me that it seemed like i didn't like my violin very much! we ended up jamming on it. lately i've been listening to some amazing and nearly indecipherable macedonian music...here's why i love eastern european culture....the lyrics translate to
If I die or if I'm killed
Don't cry for me
Pour red wine
And break the glasses

Hey, faithful friends
Sing a song, remember me

If I die or if I'm killed
Don't call a priest
Come to my grave
And dance the oro

If I die or if I'm killed
The memories will be
What a wild dude I was
In the years of my youth!

also trying to the jazz thing--darla's currently obssessed with this song, so i've been playing it a bit. now if we can just get the band back together....

Testival

last night we took a friend and willow out to acorn for the Testival of Villages in the Sky. I was feeling a bit trepidatious, big parties often give me the weirdies esp. since going off substances. the benefits of social lubricants... I often get caught in the "where should i be now, what should i be doing now who should i be talking to" brain trip.

We got there around 4 and rounded up folks for a game of ultimate frisbee--the frisbee folks are always ready to go play wherever, whenever. we even had a couple of the teens, kids of x-commundards both. it was just super fun, tight tight D so you had to be on your toes. those kids just tearing around the field.

I made my way down to the party site slowly, after meditating. amazing how sometime it takes the whole hour of sitting there fighting with my brain, and then in the final minute, something just falls away allowing a tiny bit more presence.

then slowly bouncing around--rockin' out on the dance floor, chatting here and there. romance in the herb garden with the moon washing everything in steely blue light, chatting with vince about romance ("what is that makes something romantic?"), sitting in the crow's nest looking down at the beautiful fire circle, people wandering. watching willow and tarren tear around all night, jumping in the trampoline, the ball pit, chasing giant balls around...sitting by the fire as the evening wound down.

this is hard

highlights of today--our first graduation weekend inquiry, more phone-line nonsense, an accidental double-booking (by previous manager), and host + guests temporarily locked out, eek!

despite all that, its rolling along with a few new bookings. its still bizarre to me every time someone calls on The Booking Phone. Still a bit nervous too, brad (old manager) is so polished and confident sounding. soon, soon.

meanwhile my lungs keep filling with mucous and i have a wracking cough. feeling nervous about winter's onset and the coming chill!!

we own a hostel

i've been neglecting this blog because it was feeling too solipsistic and self-absorbed. now there's news--BIG news. We (a group of 6 people--3 X twinoakers, 3 current Woodfolkers, 3 Patchwork Farmers, 2 members of the cult of Rebecca's[local health food store]--yeah, small town with lots of crossover) have now OFFICIALLY taken ownership of Alexander House. the hostel has been running for about 5 years, in an sweet little house in belmont. the crazy thing about this project is that its a collective endeavour; no boss, no manager, no bottom line except all of us. pretty f'n amazing.

today was our first day, and we've already experienced: random man who forgot his coat, and returned to retrieve it/befriend the current guests, lost luggage delivery during dinner (chris went over to deal), request for guests with a service dog (turns out its illegal to refuse or charge extra). It is amazing, overwhelming, exciting, awesome. the best part is that we're all in it together--and that feels pretty great. tell all your friends and fam--we're still working on the new-and-improved-website, til then you can book a room by calling 434 327 6447.

momentum

...is an amazing thing! and overcoming inertia.

the self expression leadership program is really helping me push through resistance, put myself out there, make requests of people and be in ACTION!

my project #2 is to transform Cville into a garden of eden by establishing edible landscaping (fruit trees, nut trees, berry bushes) on city property, in parks, and on commercial property that borders public spaces. i met khadija abdur-rachman a couple weeks ago--she's a city person who works for neighborhood development. our brief chat left me confident that she had energy and know-how in this area. i knew she'd be a key person but it still took me 2 weeks (!!!) to get the nerve up to contact her. i finally emailed her today--within minutes she'd written back an excited email, full of energy and ideas. the gist--she's in!!

then, i went to alexis--burnt out on cville activism that he is, i'm banking on his fruit-o-phile nature to overcome his pessimism for local organizing (he does have over 80 fruit trees in the yard). brief chat and....also in!!

then, the scariest one. susan, who works for the urban farm and used to work for parks and rec. intense power house lady. not the exhuberant, bubbling type. quick to point out the many flaws in a seemingly good plan. after staring at the phone for a full 5 minutes, continually talking myself out of it (we dont' really need her! etc.), i just picked up the phone and called QCC. totally by chance, i caught her in the office (its market day). i gave it to her the quick and dirty. dropped some names. told her i thought of her, b/c it perfectly bridges her worlds of city parks and rec, and community based urban farm.

and....just like that....

she's in!!!!

whoa. that. is. whack.

i've already sold vince on it, so we've totally got a kick-butt group. of course i have no idea what this will REALLY involve, what it will look like, etc. but ride now i'm just ridin' the wave.

canning

part of the agricultural intern position that sky and i have taken on is CANNING! our goal has been to grow as much food as possible, and preserve as much as possible for the winter. we kicked off on saturday, bumbling through the tomato canning with kelly's help. should we cook them down? can them whole? add spices? take the skins off? a quick call to Acorn and we had what we needed "just add a bit of apple cider vinegar and you'll be fine!"

On Monday, i made a bunch of pesto with basil culls from the farmer's market via food not bombs, as well as a big pan of zucchini bread. Alexis approved fully, and licked the bowl. Tuesday, sky made another batch of lacto-fermented purple kraut. i've become very addicted to the kraut.

today, we did another round of tomatoes and then got adventurous with roasted peppers--preserved in a balsamic vinegar, olive oil, garlic rosemary concoction. whoa! major yum. its pretty decadent eats around here these days, with all of the luscious tomatoes, zukes just starting, peppers, basil, and beets. not to mention onions, leeks, carrots, cabbage....

next up: canned blackberries and blueberry jam. peaches, pears, grapes...and FIGS! though the figs don't usually make it to the canning stage.