Wednesday, August 20, 2014

that kind of week--welcome home!

apologies for the continual self-pitying solipsistic tone of this blog.  there is much to be grateful
for.  and right now, this is the kind of week this is
message from spain

1.  my fiddle's A string is unravelling
2. someone pulls out a stop sign outside my workplace in order to steal my bicycle
3.  upon waking up this morning, my housemates accuse me of being a liar
4. my other housemate is mad at me and not speaking to me because she threw away my giant container of veganaise while i was traveling. she is angry that i asked her to in the future, check with me before throwing away things with my name on them
5. i got politely booted from the jazz bandits, due to their already large size as a band

i am so sick of people asking how i am, and then as i start to slowly unfurl into giving an honest, vulnerable answer, walking away.  i am so sick of feeling like a claustrophobic prisoner in my own house.  i am sick of trying to be nice to people who clearly do not give 2 shits about me.  i'm sick of stupid arguments, emotional penalties, games with people who just don't care.

returning from spain, i am holding open many questions.  and also little tolerance for the BS masquerading as my life that blocks my own real aliveness and the things that truly matter.  we will all be dust in the blink of an eye, why to waste this precious store of life-ness!

p.s. housemate #1 just apologized for being feisty.  

Sunday, June 15, 2014


this week was just, going going going, girls rock camp alldayeverday.  full long days.  some satisfying. some utterly demoralizing.  one day i woke up from bad dreams so happy to be alive and not dreaming.  the next, woke with dread at another day with these girls.  the best moments came frequently.  dissolving on the back porch w/KY delivering the wisdom.  Ali cooking us a fancy fish dinner.  Tessa's rockstar moves.  meditation class with the girls, reconnecting to this practice and watching the deep impact even a tiny dose can have, the girls sharing their vulnerability.  feeling a part of something way bigger and more powerful than me.  and there's a strong pull inside to take myself away, tell myself i'm not a part, don't belong.

today the waves of sadness came crashing in--at not being a part of twin oaks where so much of my identity remains.  at not being partnered with sky, my own personal super-hero.  being connected to him meant i was somebody who was doing meaningful things in the world.  so who am i now?  

now, just a floater.  it hurts to feel the formation of layers of identity, as they crust over like cooled soup.  stronger than liquid but not by much and one small poke reveals the fluid past undulating just below.  grieving allows for release of loss.  i hope i hope i hope, stumbling forward.

i have been falling into some sick-mind patterns lately.  reaching hard for something to fill the emptyness left from losing all of my friends.  the emptyness just below the surface this face trying to hide it. this week all i want to do is go back home, stop talking to people i don't know who don't know me.  stop. trying.  so hard all the time.

today at church, dar turned to me with her kind, all-knowing eyes and said "i see you're starting to come every week" and i almost dissolved.  ach, to be seen.  to be noticed, my presence taken note of and appreciated.  that place is becoming important, the one time in the week when i truly exhale and feel welcomed.

i have felt so worn down the last few days, just physically broken.  i think its the sheer volume of external stimulation, because i'm finally getting plenty of sleep.

i want to end on a positive note, but i guess its just not in me.  its hard watching that world up there move forward without me, while my own little world still shifts beneath my feet as i blindly grasp for grounding.

gratefulness list:
endless blueberries
connecting more with my housemates
um, i'm going to spain
new job with free unlimited network chiropractic
new massage client who prefers gentle work
beautiful, affordable massage office
music. music. music
people who adore me
eating fresh seasonal food
people who adore me all over the world
friends who give goodbye gifts of soap
the space to feel sad
united church of gainesville
afternoon rainstorms
banana butterscotch bourbon blondies
striped tights
moments of grace

Monday, June 9, 2014

more lists

there has been so much abundance in my life of late that there is no time to blog about it.  highlights:

*waking up to a pan of homemade enchiladas and 5 lbs of organic ripe blueberries in the fridge with my name on them

*an entire day spent at the beautiful prairie creek lodge, hazy sun, sipping beers, meandering through the woodsy natural burial cemetery with sweet friends, lolling listening to music.  "can i buy you a vanilla ice cream?"

*curled up together on the porch papazon at night, drifting in and out of sleep. waking to see you gazing down at me with heavy-lidded care-filled eyes.

*church.  knees touch. sweet gaze.  tears.

*blissfully canoeing around lake wauburg, lounging in the middle seat in a lawn chair, 2 canoes chatting, sun setting.  tunes in the gazebo.  tunes indoors.

*riding bike no hands under the half moon, summer warmth blowing around me

*abandoned blueberry farm, sitting by the lake with bags full of warm sweet berries chatting no time hidden away

*being stopped short in the hallway by a hand on the back of my head that causes my blood to alternately boil and pump wildly, freezing and melting simultaneously

*days of folk fest, meandering lazily and in good company.  eating free shrimp.  hearing music everywhere.  dancing dancing dancing.  midnight skinny dip under the moon and electric heat rising off of every surface

*skies opening and rain pouring, stuck on a porch with the blue sky peeking through

*catching eyes across a roomful of dancing people at GODS contra dance.  laser.

*securing an awesome new massage office; landlord hugs me.  amazing job offer that includes unlimited free network chiropractic.  standing job offer at siembra.

*fridge full to bursting of delicious local organic veggies

*friends who want to massage me

*amazing key lime pie on a rainy saturday, laughing and laughing at cards against humanity and celebrity

*raspberries.  melons.  papaya.  BLUEBERRIES.  

Friday, May 30, 2014

no more waiting for godot

i want to run pell-mell away from this stupid inexplicable city where people go for drinks and everything is multi-layered and requires cultural literacy and interpretation.  i'm so norm corps i don't even know what it is and i fucking hate this stupid, insane complexity.  i'm begging for simplicity here, where the thing you say is the deepest truth available and you take it from there.  i don't have the time, patience, or the brain power for these games that i always lose anyway.  so tired.  probably those 5 hours of sleep aren't helping either.

how the hell do i carve out a bit of normal for myself in this?  what is friendship where you never see the friend?  taking a break from the alcy def seems like it would help.  and a narrowing narrowing down to a few that i can trust because man, it feels so shitty to be around people i don't trust.  tears well up when i think about home where people care about me and respect me enough to just be honest for fuck's sake.

dreaming all night about all of this and yeah already i'm starting to put HER on a fucking pedestal like that will help anything.  brain working overtime and into the night trying to work the problem.  man i miss sky.  and gpaul.  and calvin.  and misty.  and kate.  and kristina.  and angel.  and wendy.  michele, ro, marta.  god fucking dammit.  i hate this place sometimes, the headaches it gives me.  and here totally indulging in my victimhood, the way it forces my hand into these shitty addictive loops.

its also amazing living with chelsea and getting inspired by her summer dog days--practicing different instruments, baking, gardening, reading.  that is a life i want.  feels like maybe more narrowly subscribing my days and my interactions with people is in the cards.  thing 1 and thing 2 here at the house; i am just fed up.  you are amazing people and right now my emotional resilience cannot bear to deal with navigating your treacherous emotional labyrinths.

need to escape to the inside, to the still quiet nest of solitude and peace and SANITY.  i need stronger barriers right now, and a settling.  a settling inside.  a sifting and quieting.  its time to stop taking in new inputs, time for integration and weeding out.  simplifying.  and dealing with the addiction.  so tired of the reaching towards those who are not reaching back.  can feel my guts all distended and exposed, stretched out and sullied from the exposure to the elements.  road grit.  cat hairs.

my head hurts so much i can't even see straight and still i push myself.  time for the unwinding.  the undoing.  the unmaking.  the batting down for summer, curling in on myself exoskeleton out.

i can feel myself desperately reaching for that one in my head, a life raft out of this toxic sludge stream.  but that cannot be.  the only direction to unwind now is inside; nothing to say until this little ball of fear and hatred is a little less calcified, a little more spacious.  until there's a little more room for breath to wend its way through.

so tired of forcing myself to reach out and trust complete fucking strangers.  yes, they've been very gracious but now i want only my own gentle, knowing comfort.  time to stop waiting for someone to hold me and know and just do it for my own damn self.  

Wednesday, May 28, 2014

space a good feeling.  i forget that, the sweet sweet torture of not getting what you want forces the joy of it to the surface.  and when i do get what i want it often already tastes slightly stale.  even figuring out what i want is a trick i have not yet mastered.

and, i do feel slightly boxed in by my life, and mystified as to how it fills up so solidly.

why is flirting so fun?  i think its something about the certainty and moment of shared intimacy, clear and wordless.

kalpesh began my unwinding process last night in class, the most key component being

                              S             P             A              C                  E

and i am striving to grant myself (and those around me) this beautiful gift.  a breath.  a pause.  a gap.

and experience the wanting without the having.  

Monday, May 26, 2014

guess who is the florida state fiddle champ, contemporary category?!!?!?

that's right, NBD.........

something about me and the way i relate drives people to continually break up and then get back together with me.  yes, it happened again, friday afternoon just prior to the florida folk fest.  he tried on the phone first which i immediately aborted.  who the fuck does that?  then meditated, agitated and vibrating w/thoughts and arguments flying through my head.  he came over and there ensued several hours of dramatic wrenching conversation, stilted and jerky, punctuated by sobs and stormings about (me) and stoic staring silences (both of us).  oh, the drama.  the intrigue.  did i mention, the drama.  i felt frustrated at this stupid pattern i seem to be stuck in of repeatedly getting broken up with.

just chatted w/sky for the first time in a month or so--online but still.  what a HUGE relief, god it feels so good.  i hate losing friends.  and nice to pick his brain a bit about how the f do you do this breakup process anyway!  he did say that if he met someone, he'd go for it w/o waiting, so that was slightly comforting.  and that he didn't miss me, he missed being in a relationship.  also comforting.  in a weird way.  and told me about potential possible new romance which is awesome and could be so super perfect; i immediately started imagining prisa lenta + her plus me and JD.  oh, my, goodness would i love that.

i mean dang i just miss my friend.  bleh.

more on all that, later.

now, to bed.  

Saturday, May 17, 2014

life=weird, wild, beautiful

out in the siembra bean rows friday listening to david whyte and hit suddenly with the tidal wave of remembering kristen's comments at graduation.  "no matter what happens, remember that you are held--not just by your friends and family or community though hopefully by them as well, but by THIS, by wild and precious life!"

i had forgotten.  i had fallen into the rut of struggle and striving to make it all work by myself, slogging upstream hopelessly.

no, i DON'T have to know or understand or get it.  just trust that something has a handle and is making it all happen way more awesomely than i ever could.  

i had inklings, but couldn't have predicted the dark and smoldering sweetness that unfolded last night.  first, just cuddling, me in just friend mode.  no expectations.  cuddling cuddling cuddling.  which, really, does it get any better?  then little kisses being delivered like presents, all over my head and neck.  still holding my ground.  then, the sweetest, softest, electric stroking around my face.  so gentle.  so delicate.  slowly electrifying my entire body.  then gentle, innocent mouth kisses.  should probably stop here before this gets really inappropriate.  but oh the perfection of that night, of receiving without an agenda or expectation, without pressure either direction.  and watching the deep well of passion crack open and heave forth mightily and oh oh oh so sweetly.  those eyes deep and warm, peering at me so openly; bottomless pools to swim in.  that one hard pinch, the brazenness and unabashedness of it warming me.  softly muttered "fuck" before another onslaught of passionate sweetness.  sweet grunts of satisfaction a gentle pulse punctuating the night.  weight, given and received.  inescapable kissing loops.  electricity ravaging my body until i have to push away, only to return again to warm cuddlyness.
i want to keep replaying it all.  and i have to just let go and let be.  not make it anything.  i have to believe this was only possible because of my own internal shift towards clarity--that i'm in a process of mourning and grieving and letting go of sky.  now that i finally have time for such things.  that i need allow myself to feel sad and alone and on my own when those feelings come up and i don't know what else but i've been praying for clarity and understanding to aid me in this process.