Wednesday, April 23, 2014

returning, resetting, renewing

and so i'm back.

back in the land of speaking.  i've never had so many people ask me if it feels good to talk again!  which is sweet and i love that they remember that i went off to do this very strange thing and are considering what it might feel like to return.

this course.  felt.  so.  good.  it had been over a year and a half, the longest i've gone in probably 10-12 years w/o sitting a course.  i was so ready.  i even had some perks, being the most senior female student on the course: my own room, with a bathroom, and a meditation cell right in the room.  it all helped with my already pretty strong desire to




Some highlights:

--realizing, son is probably not mad at me (huge release relief)

--developing a sweet, sometimes even sassy, inner voice that cajoled me into practicing when i didn't want to.  gentle, persistent, loving.

--clarity about what i'm looking for in terms of intimate relationships right now



and i arrived back on sunday right into the fray and madness.  crazy 4/20 party w/band roulette performances swirling, holding on to E with my eyes and core as a raft amidst the madness of beer, bbq
and bong hits

a perhaps ill-advised impromptu sleepover

monday epic bike ride through industrial NW gville to the internships.....started at the gym...then a bit of rest and recovery at home, making juice w/the ali and then meeting E for a late nighttime walk parksit finally releasing into contact and that face holy hotdog glowing down at me under the streetlights

tuesday, pitstop at the bakery and sweet cookie gift from kyla, to The Office for the Internship....learning all kinds of useful stuff and piddling and working on gerald....home for brief rest then off to orthobionomy class omg blow my mind and heart wideopen and to dirty fist show +awesome macedonian rock band.  just enjoying myself and rocking out and enjoying those sweet people...

wednesday, up and out early to siembra....picking peas for hours under the bright blue sky, so happy to be out feet dirty face tilted towards the sun til that familiar physical exhaustion daze sets in better than any drug. at market.

it has been a bit of a marathon.  a marathon of goodness.

i'm grateful for the moments when i feel an underlying ease enter into the hecticness, or a slightly less frantic clinging to the usual things that i cling to....

and i feel this new flame starting to take hold.  just seeing that smile makes me happy.  wanting to be close.  fighting it all, calming myself down, slowing myself down to stay present, aware, connected.  i can feel those deep firm tugs at the reins inside myself wanting desperately to take the well-travelled route and so far, success at resisting and forging a new path


Tuesday, April 8, 2014

on the edge


clothes in piles, choosing the simplest and most comfortable.  plain.

feeling my bodymind slow slow sloooow down.  feel the complexity of life gently sift and settle.  into the sensation of air on my skin.  the brush of hair on my neck.  nora singing slow, sweet. housemate exchange, drenched in love.  feeling that a lot lately; love pressing in from all sides. swallowing and breathing it hits me like a train and i have to sob briefly into the plain, black skirt i am in the middle of folding.

my life

has changed

so much.

i have been graced with



it chokes my breath off, to let that in.  drifting into the living room, perching with the cats

again it presses around, the gentle delicate loveliness of (my) life

sinking into the beauty-drenched world that surrounds me.

the final hurdle

monday.  The Day Of The Test.

I woke up at 6:30 and immediately started doing a practice test to allay my fears (I didn't study enough eeek!).   Eventually I forced myself to stop, stretch, meditate.  more practice tests more more more til i wanted to explode....and outside to bust ass in the garden, furiously weeding and mulching in the blaring sun oh so satisfying.  gogogogogo then inside for a rest and smoothiejuice, back and forth like that til early afternoon when court came over.

at the test--still felt pretty confident and walked out got the paper 809 BAM NAILED IT.  flooded with relief, joy, excitement, pride and LETTING GO of needing to hold onto anything now, in the river and flowing forward.  called a few people and texted my excitement......

then to paul's w/court, hookahing and dissolving into that giant comfy chair, kittenized.  that feeling of not needing to do be anything but riiiight heeeere.

eventually, after many hours pulled a kassia and slipped quietly out the door and into the night, walking, sifting sorting.  letting the convo w/paul settle....have i just  been fundamentally wrong this whole time?  perhaps i actually don't give a shit about him or being friends with him...novel concept.  and liberating.  walking barefoot and loving the night wrapped around me gentle and tree filled.  downtown found the little benches built into the outside of popatop.  nestled and continued sifting, sorting, watching, unwinding.  felt good to let the tightness of 6 months unleash and flow out.

went inside eventually, and A's co-worker was putting away pastries.  one of those amazing moments where just as i'm realizing i never ate dinner, dude looks at me over a pile of pastries and says "do you want to take home these chocolate croissants that i'm going to throw away?"......ummmmm....YES!!! over the next 10 minutes i collect 6 chocolate croissants (devouring 2 immediately), a ton of bagels and a tofu pesto sandwich.  joy!!!  A finally gets off just as the rain is starting and rides me home on his bike.  at this point i am just wide open, so happy, peaceful, present.  not having to be anywhere or do anything ever again.  not needing anything.  COMPLETE.  

Sunday, April 6, 2014

city of romance

i really love my life in Gainesville.  one of my favorite aspects is the romance of the city.  i think i've had more romantic moments here in these 6 months then my whole's some highlights.

1.  sneaking off at school to the little wooded glen to steal some kisses between class...making out in the parking lot, leaning against the truck

2.  being ridden home from satchell's pizza, moonlit warm march night sitting nestled on the bike's crossbars, shreaking into the night.

3.  evening stroll with sweet company through the duckpond neighborhood, slivery slice of moon dangling over the water spanish moss hanging low barefeet the thomas center fountain lying down with flowers in my hair

4.  sitting on the porch w/sweet friend, watching the storm roll in then dancing through the streets/drops downtown for art and dinner

5. beautiful outdoor cello concert at the thomas center lawn, picnic of baguette goat cheese mushrooms wine, sun setting

Saturday, April 5, 2014


Final Circle!
i woke up friday feeling destroyed from the week of little sleep and night of emotional badness. and nervous about the day; friends and skit and public speaking oh my.  courtney told me "its gonna be perfect" so i went with that.  had a nice, sweet, calming meditation then biked down to school for the final circle, practicing my little speech outloud, writing it in the air as i pedaled.  had a moment of quiet by the little pond.  then floated into the blue room, and sat intuitively where i'd sat that first day.  a short conversation w/ali, fixing some of the badness that had happened the night before.  shaaaaring.  liiiiistening.

then, back to the house w/courtney, getting dressed trying to eat putting flowers in my hair grabbing salad stuffs and fiddle stuffs and OUT goofy in the car w/loud dance music and as we hit that last stretch before school that feeling descends


wind and blue sky and loud music and perfect company and flowers and chaos and LIFE

arriving back, families gathering....


it begins.  we do our skit and it comes off PERFECT i'm watching maura's face the whole time and her laugh and eyebrows MAKE it.  back to the front row on courntey's lap for more words, introducing selena unprepared nailing it.  speaking my own words of gratitude NAILED IT.  new class comes up en masse this whole freakin crew of sweet beautiful folks surrounding us.  certificates handed out, roses, hug line and nearly every teacher saying something awesome about me being a ham, or an amazing public speaker.  making sure they know i'm not gone!  flowers from the new class, miiillling about, flowers in hand still barefoot

potluck, back field w/arthur, E and ali is one of those moments where you just don't wanna be anywhere else, my fave people all together smart and funny and so good.  playin on the hammock.  wine, kumkuats, laughs about bowfish blackfire blackfish bowfire etc.  hand hugging.  finally leaving w/the boys, home to meditate then on to the vine still barefoot and in my grad dress.  playyying so fun, and the teachers show up too.  made a bit of dough, decided we'll record before arthur splits....

then a long, sweet, romantic walk w/E through the duck pond, floating in barefeet and white dress under the moonlight surrounded by frogs and night.  broke his heart as gently as possible.  sat on the wall over the water, by the fountain, teetering on the walls bumping tiny bits at moments.  home late

then drunken (her not me) online chatting w/courtney, more good convos w/ali, telling the whole ridiculous saga to gpaul and finally COLLAPSING  in utter exhaustion

a massage therapist with sweet friends and a bright, wide open future

Wednesday, April 2, 2014

this shit's for real

i was having major inertia issues this afternoon, after a leisurely hydro afternoon w/a rose petal wish ceremony, sauna, hottub, coldtub, smoothies and lolling on the grass making eyes with THAT one (yes, you ma'am).

but i finally kicked my butt onto my bike well after 5pm, fiddle on back and pedaled myself down to the wednesday farmer's market.  to busk.  while there, these things happened:

--confirmed friday night gig at vine and found out about a vid of our last show posted in fb
--set up an interview for a job w/the compost bike folks
--made arrangements w/the the farm i've been volunteering at for a weekly 5 hr shift in exchange for CSA share
--ran into my favorite clinic client who told me to give him a call once i'm liscenced
--ran into bob freeman who took my card and offered to talk to the women's center about hiring blackfire to play at weddings, and also suggested that i talk to the woman at the thomas center about the same
--heard from joe courter that rad press coffee shop is looking for more folks to join the collective
--invited lots of folks to our friday night show at vine, and a few to graduation
--earned $14+$1marketmoney

finally put my baby basils in the ground, poor l'il things i hope they survive.  and it looks like a trip to austin may be in the works sometime this year......

now, to band roulette practice.  obamacore?  food fetishes?  

coming to an end/beginning

its 4:30 in the morning and i just woke up feeling so good and happy.  yesterday was just delightful from start to finish.  in the morning i gave courtney a massage while paul observed--multiple levels of awesome happening there.  Giving the massage was super satisfying.  they've been way less frequent since the end  of clinic and i've been giving myself some space to take it easy, let things stew and synthesize.  turns out that wasn't BS! once again; giving massage felt even more....calm, easy, clear.  easy to integrate more of the bajillion elements of an awesome and effective massage that have been shared with me, pounded into me, gifted me over these last 6 months.

and really boiling down to: just being in the tissue.  being with the tissue and at its service for the entire hour.  THAT felt so much easier, and less like i was fighting with myself to be there.  paul loved watching it too and had such awesome things to say.  and yes, i'm terrified of jinxing it but some part of me is starting to relax again, the part that clenched when he and i stopped being friends.  a giddy, goofy, little kid part of me that just digs that kid.
ready for the prairie....

at lunch time we rehearsed the skit; again, such a delight to get to do such fun things w/such fun people.  after lunch, we loaded up the cars to head out for an afternoon on the prairie. loaded up my bike and body w/paul g, ali, kershta, rachel.  omg such PURE delight.  seriously can't think of a better carloadfull of fun familyness adventure time.  even partook in the herbal remedies that were being shared.....ok mixed feelings on that and, FUN, good feeling, awesomeness.

personally i just left mine in the car....
and then walking, for hours, out on the prairie.  in the sun.  feeling my body syncing up with the earth's rythms and the letting it  wrap itself around me filling my pores and my soul with resonance and wholeness til there is no feeling of separation.  feet bare and in the mud.  legs mussplattered. dress held above the cool puddles of water. simple, unexotic, earthy goodness.

 so many conversations too.  finally started trying to say more to C, liz came and started that inevitable convo.  antoine saying yes, he'll do the dirty dancing toss on the way up to get certificated.  jessay talking to me--a bit rough but good.  i don't like feeling so shut down and guarded, i'm not sure i've ever felt so open to someone and then so closed and its not where i want to be.  hopefully the beginning of some healing many gators, wild horses, sun sun sun, c and r in their adorable hats, carrying sweet trish on my back through the puddle, flowers and mud and earth and sky and birds and beauty.

carride back was rushed and so a good bittersweet reminder of where we are heading, after the utterly timeless prairie afternoon.  this. is. coming. to. a close.  this is such a unique and special time.  there is nothing like this---feeling really how despite everything, these people love me so much.  every single one.  i could ask any of them just about anything and the would say yes.  even those i barely know; that is so so so special.

...wild horses....
i can feel the time after creeping in; thinking of jobs and independence and people staying or going and wondering wondering wondering and NO, i'm not ready for all that so you'll just have to chill out there in futurelandia because right now there is only here. now.  here.  now.  pure.  unadulterated.  SWEETNESS.  to be savored so deeply and with no regret.

...couldn't drag me away....

coming home Arthur came over to help me with my bike and it was housemate land and just sweet homeness feeling like a dirty feral stoned hippie.  sitting. sitting. sitting; so sweet.  then off to reddick for the fiona bas gig--E and chelsea in the car, fascinating conversation about the nature of being an artist/musician, different kinds of music...etc......feeling that same safe capsule feeling--in this tiny vehicle with these people, there is nowhere else i'd rather be.

and the ocala jocky club....giant huge open windowed lodge w/a  fire burning in the center, setting up in front of the giant wrap around floor to ceiling windows looking west and playing irish and old time music with front row seats on the sunset.  soaring over and bouncing off of that delicious cello next to me--pure pure delight.  heart soaring a bit too chatting w/E inbetween sets, that feeling of wanting to share everything in my head and heart with this person who understands and wants to understand and is so kind and has such sweet eye twinkles.  after, sitting on the porch w/chelsea chatting...telling jason i wanted to come bike touring in eastern europe with him....and finally confessing to E, sweetness of that easy clear direct convo--THIS, and hearing it reflected back received easily and reciprocated complete w/more eye twinkles....driving home.....eventually bed.....