why is it always LATE?

and again, accepting that i've lost everything, and allowing myself to sink down into the darkness.
still my thrashing limbs, give in to gravity and just

faaaaaaaaaaaaaaall

deep
inside

to the nothingness that i so fight and fear.

ridiculous since it has me by the neck regardless

as well this relentless shouting in my gut that will not be ignored, driving driving driving

noise coming in from all corners, and loudest of all from this stinkin' cranium i seem to be quite stuck with

and what if the soft animal of my body wants to love what it can't have?  shriveling here, sinking inside as the world outside continues to disappoint, abandon, neglect, deny.

still and all there is lot of good, blah blah blah.  this wanting is a tiring business.  too much now for this weary one; time to snatch down the curtain between sleep and wakefulness and turn over this overtaxed  little consciousness for now

dream

on a 10 day meditation course, nathan is manager.  for some reason, we take a trip into town on some bus.  dad is there too.  it gets late, we are in houghton/charlottesville and my bike is there downtown.  crazy flooding rain.  its 11pm and going back the center now means going to sleep late and waking up at 4 for the last day and i've only been sleeping 5 hours/night and i'm so tired.  so exhausted.  i talk to nate, tell him look my bike's right here i've not been sleeping by the time the bus gets home etc etc.  i just want to sleep.  would it be ok if.....i just biked home now and slept in my bed, then start again tomorrow?

he uses every tactic possible to say no--humor, strictness, shame, disdain.  i get intense and stubborn and make it clear that its my choice and even though i'm asking its really up to me.  and why is it so important to him anyway that he's getting so reactive, in his head what does it mean about him if i don't go back to the center that night.  he laughs acknowledgment.  leans in and rubs his rough shaved cheek against mine, sensually, alighting my body.  one more little move that lights up my entire body and then continues on w/gathering the people for the return trip.  i go off and explore the new ice cream parlor that put karma kream out of business--interesting fancy creative flavors that look delicious.  i come out, yes, i will go back even though its late.  because what is more important really than the work, the work of dealing, the work of practicing dealing with things i don't like and don't want.  certainly not an imagined good nights sleep.  my demands and frozen attachment melt and yes i will go back.  

and, upside down, again

a mere 24 hours, less, and once again all that was up is down and vice versa.  i must learn to live this feeling of unease, yes, but apparently i'm not learning very fast.

a little numbed out now at the sheer overwhelm of emotional things happening.  my emotional body can't keep up with the pace and has checked out, trusting that the rest will somehow take care.

i guess my desires and intentions are the same as for last night--to be nurtured.  but really, now, i just want to be alone.  just feel tired of people.  people disappointing, people that don't know me, talking on that skin deep layer that is so dissatisfying.  right now i crave my own quiet company, but somehow i seem to have left the building.  so much outward focus that i can't even find myself and THAT is a very lonely feeling.  how can so much happen in the span of just one week?

and the parallels are striking, disturbing.  stop this ride please because i want to get off.

taken by the night

i hate this feeling, and i can see why he takes every precaution to keep me from feeling it.  so far, no solutions.  so far, everything perfect.  so far, lost my keys tonight, lost myself tonight on the dance floor, lost my self tonight, biking home solitary 3 30 am keyless in gainesville.

my head hurts a bit at all the balancing; hence, i suppose, the need for alcohol.  hard to believe she was sincere, and that its not just another stupid competition.  why do i so want someone in my bed?  my own company is so delightful, and, so grounding.  peaceful.  calm.  my room is a cradling nest, helping me hold all the wildness that is happening around and inside me.  its a stupid game.  too many stupid games.  i'm tired and want only

melting.

tired and don't even know what i want.

some things, i do know: csokolom.  the sound of a cello.   papaya.  that smile.  dancing.  being touched and touching.  the verdant smell of tomato plants lingering on my fingertips.  releasing into contact.  aloneness.

surprisingly unsad talking with sky today.  feeling the housemate love growing.

and, there are so many moments of extreme rightness.  "come, let's explore"--a command, not a question, and what a relief to not be questioned but commanded.  sharing kisses.  letting my body be taken.  looking for images, finding them through the lens.  the feeling of a shoulder beneath my head.  being held by arm and cello.  biking home slowly no hands sweet night air.  feeling little worry at the absence of my keys.

and now, the only thing left--releasing into sweet sweet slumber.  perhaps i will visit you in my dreams and fulfill my desires there.