weird ailments and strong beginnings

making it into charlottesville on thursday afternoon was such a relief!! lots of exciting updates and networking in the past 3 days. we've been staying with this sweet-as-pie couple in town, X-acorners, in their peaceful, quiet little house. our room is very light with white muslin curtains and softly shaded paintings. thursday night we met up with Daniel from CHUVA (cooperative housing at the University of Virginia)and checked out 2 of their 3 houses. he was totally on-board, excited for us to work together and help each other out however we can.

our current mission seems to be meeting up with friends, friends of friends, etc. sharing visions, and figuring out potential connections. it feels good to move from information intake to synthesis and output (and eventually towards action!)

weirdly, all weekend i've had this achyness, headache, feverish, stomach-ache combination of physical unpleasantness. very mystifying since i'm usually very fit and feeling healthy. and of course i'm feeling a bit trepidatious about returning to the oaks, especially after extended and in-depth conversations over last nights dinner about all that is dysfunctional about the place...thomas called this ailment "twin oaks' revenge". apt, as always

lightly traumatized

the wave of fear and despair is lapping at my toes....

feeling physically unwell today, feverish and congested in the lungs and sinus, plus a nasty stomach ache (cramps?). and the fear, anxiety, stress--i have been spreading myself thin, working lots and not taking time and space for myself. and now we're a bit nomadic room-wise again...we moved today and will again tomorrow, sharing a tiny room.

an unpleasant run in with an unpleasant person today, and i've been working extra hard to tune up with the positive vibrations, not get sucked into the vortex of negativity.

of course most folks are great, and are happy i'm here, etc. there's so many small delightful things--picking pears and paw-paws in the courtyard, eating freshly baked bread, picking beans, giving massages, swimming in the river.

i feel hopeful and a bit catious about zygoat faux pas, our new little clan. i cozy little circle of folks who can't help but go deeper, something i need very much right now...

well,time to drink tea and read harry potter with sky and willow...more soon!

twin oaks!?!?!?

back at twin oaks again, after a month in meditation land. i really loved the vipassana meditation center in illinois, its quite small and the landscape is so pretty; rolling farms, lots of wildflowers, very midwestern. sitting was pretty chill, no major eruptions (except my ovaries on day 9!) or emotional traumas. i'm slowly slowly moving towards really pushing myself hard. after a 3 day break in chicago, we returned to serve for the next course. i was the only full time female server, so they made me the female manager!! something i'd both hoped for and feared. it was great though, i really thrived on the added responsibility. it felt really good to have that direct contact with the women, and be a source of succor and aide for them.

and now, here we are back at twin oaks again. as usual, it feels like nothing and everything has changed. there are of course tons of new faces. same old dramas. same old struggles.

this morning, i made granola and bread and then tied off hemp hammocks with sky. the bread is very white and squishy, too much oil i think. i want to try sourdough but am intimidated. the new members that i've talked to all seem to understand and relate to my reasons for leaving--namely, the absence of a culture of kindness.

this past weekend, a bunch of us community floaters (some x members, some soon to be x members) held a weekend summit. i finally got to meet kate's baby, aurora (4 months). she's great, and it was a confirming wake up call that now is not the time to weigh myself down in that way. i'm curious if becoming a doula and being more involved in communities of pregnant women will ease my desire to go through with it myself. time will tell.

still feeling a bit nervous and apprehensive about picking up and flying across the world next month. but the weekend's meetings were very heartening, and i feel glad to be part of an emerging community on multiple levels. gardens shifts the next two mornings, then back to cville on thursday! sky's keeping us on a rigourous diet of cville trips, good thing or i might dissolve into a puddle of labor credits, overworking and paranoia. (when i'm here, i feel like i have to work all the time or people will hate me.)

the weather is perfect, blue skies and not too humid. i hope folks are ok down south and in New Orleans.