communitas vomitus

today was the last day of sukkah-fest, and it ended with a pretty good dance party next to the lake. it felt so good to get down and into my body. unfortunately it ended by getting sucked into a tunnel of despairing doom as a result of my continued obsessive tendencies in relationships. it seems like i'm always craving more, being dissatisfied and fixating. its tiring, especially in community. jordon challenged me to try and stay engaged with the obsessive desire pattern, and its a big challenge and i'm not sure i'm up for it...but i'm going to keep trying.

i smoked pot today for the first time in a few weeks, which both helped and hindered my clearness and g roundedness. josh and i got cracking on the contra-dance music; its interesting to explain this stuff, and realize how much knowledge i've unconsciously accrued in the past few years. as always, it was truly delightful and nourishing to hang out with him. when i thanked him for being a good friend, he thanked me for challenging him to be one. that was a new and very sweet compliment.

there was an ultimate game in the middle of the afternoon and it was a delicious day, sunny and warm with a little breezy and brilliantly blue sky accentuating the turning leaves. it really is paradise here, unutterably idyllic on days like this. if only i had no emotions it'd be perfect....

overflowing

today is grey and mellow, and i'm recovering a bit from the massive energy output of yesterday and last night. and i'm feeling a bit heart-sore about aviva, a fellow adamahnik, zee is (gender neutral prounouns) solid and phenomenal in this pretty inexplicable way. being around zee makes me feel safe and alive....and i'm constantly finding myself wanting more: more connection, more energy back etc. this doesn't feel good and i need to shift...

aviva, miriam and i spent the entire day in the kitchen yesterday, cooking madly for the evening's invited hordes. it was definately the biggest cooking project i've ever taken on, but we plugged away all day and lots of folks came by to help. the oven stayed on from 9 am til nearly 8pm, baking squash, tofu, pumpkins, challah, zucchini bread, and roasting garlic, potatoes and onions--all from the sadeh. we churned out so much food that our long table was laden by the evening--all of that plus greens, peppers, tomatoes, hummous, watermelon, apples, quinoa, glazed carrots...it was a truly bottomless bounty. it felt really good to be so supported, and to take on way more than i thought i could do and somehow pull it off.

i had a little rest of the end of the day so that when people started arriving, i was feeling pretty mellow. and they poured in! we started with 35 people crammed in our cozy, beautifully decorated sukkah and about 25 more outside. there were pumpkins and squash and corn hanging from the patchwork julia-sewn walls, little drawings, dim light and cushions. it felt like a lounge of love crammed with amazing people. shamu asked aviva and i to lead the kiddush, a daunting task that i've never done but it felt good to speak my gratitude of this bounty through set and ancient words.

i was totally overwhelmed by it all that i started crying before i could begin the kiddush....and the evening unfolded into mellow conversation, delicious wholesome food, sweet hugs and songs---true bliss.

its deeply satisfying to create safe and nurturing communal spaces for people to enter into, and, i can feel my center pulling outward when i'm receiving so much gratitude from folks. it makes it hard to stay centered and grounded in myself instead of my deeds.

conneticut commune

This morning for lev (avodat lev=service of the heart, our daily group spiritual practice 6-7AM), josh took us up to a piece of property that may become the new adamah. it was dark when we started, and when we got to the top, a field nestled between woods and a skyline of mist covered berkshires, we all drifted apart to feel the morning light seep in. it felt so good to be held, contained by this space where we each had enough room for ourselves; this is so rarely the case. we were together but on our own, and it felt very healing. i can feel the group energy building into claustrophobia and fear based withdrawl: who are these people, anyway? can i trust them to hold me in my messy complexity? how can i understand this experience when i have no space to process?

its hot today, 82, feels like 85, and humid! in the sadeh (field) i had a brief virginia flash back. abby, one of the farm apprenctices, is hurting b/c of relationship difficulties. its a big theme here, many folks are looking for or struggling in a relationship. i'm reminded again that in relationship what you can bring to it is just as important as who you are.

i'm definately feeling lots of sadness, longing for deep, intimate connection (not necessarily romantic/sexual, which certainly brings its own set of challenges, esp. in a small community). i resolved this morning to sit in my inner spaciousness and give from that place, since it seems like we all need a little extra loving right now.

pad thai for lunch so i'm off.