its 4:30 in the morning and i just woke up feeling so good and happy. yesterday was just delightful from start to finish. in the morning i gave courtney a massage while paul observed--multiple levels of awesome happening there. Giving the massage was super satisfying. they've been way less frequent since the end of clinic and i've been giving myself some space to take it easy, let things stew and synthesize. turns out that wasn't BS! once again; giving massage felt even more....calm, easy, clear. easy to integrate more of the bajillion elements of an awesome and effective massage that have been shared with me, pounded into me, gifted me over these last 6 months.
and really boiling down to: just being in the tissue. being with the tissue and at its service for the entire hour. THAT felt so much easier, and less like i was fighting with myself to be there. paul loved watching it too and had such awesome things to say. and yes, i'm terrified of jinxing it but some part of me is starting to relax again, the part that clenched when he and i stopped being friends. a giddy, goofy, little kid part of me that just digs that kid.
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| ready for the prairie.... |
at lunch time we rehearsed the skit; again, such a delight to get to do such fun things w/such fun people. after lunch, we loaded up the cars to head out for an afternoon on the prairie. loaded up my bike and body w/paul g, ali, kershta, rachel. omg such PURE delight. seriously can't think of a better carloadfull of fun familyness adventure time. even partook in the herbal remedies that were being shared.....ok mixed feelings on that and, FUN, good feeling, awesomeness.
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| personally i just left mine in the car.... |
and then walking, for hours, out on the prairie. in the sun. feeling my body syncing up with the earth's rythms and the letting it wrap itself around me filling my pores and my soul with resonance and wholeness til there is no feeling of separation. feet bare and in the mud. legs mussplattered. dress held above the cool puddles of water. simple, unexotic, earthy goodness.
so many conversations too. finally started trying to say more to C, liz came and started that inevitable convo. antoine saying yes, he'll do the dirty dancing toss on the way up to get certificated. jessay talking to me--a bit rough but good. i don't like feeling so shut down and guarded, i'm not sure i've ever felt so open to someone and then so closed and its not where i want to be. hopefully the beginning of some healing there.....so many gators, wild horses, sun sun sun, c and r in their adorable hats, carrying sweet trish on my back through the puddle, flowers and mud and earth and sky and birds and beauty.
carride back was rushed and so a good bittersweet reminder of where we are heading, after the utterly timeless prairie afternoon. this. is. coming. to. a close. this is such a unique and special time. there is nothing like this---feeling really how despite everything, these people love me so much. every single one. i could ask any of them just about anything and the would say yes. even those i barely know; that is so so so special.
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| GATOR!!! |
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| ...wild horses.... |
i can feel the time after creeping in; thinking of jobs and independence and people staying or going and wondering wondering wondering and NO, i'm not ready for all that so you'll just have to chill out there in futurelandia because right now there is only here. now. here. now. pure. unadulterated. SWEETNESS. to be savored so deeply and with no regret.
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| ...couldn't drag me away.... |
coming home Arthur came over to help me with my bike and it was housemate land and just sweet homeness feeling like a dirty feral stoned hippie. sitting. sitting. sitting; so sweet. then off to reddick for the fiona bas gig--E and chelsea in the car, fascinating conversation about the nature of being an artist/musician, different kinds of music...etc......feeling that same safe capsule feeling--in this tiny vehicle with these people, there is nowhere else i'd rather be.
and the ocala jocky club....giant huge open windowed lodge w/a fire burning in the center, setting up in front of the giant wrap around floor to ceiling windows looking west and playing irish and old time music with front row seats on the sunset. soaring over and bouncing off of that delicious cello next to me--pure pure delight. heart soaring a bit too chatting w/E inbetween sets, that feeling of wanting to share everything in my head and heart with this person who understands and wants to understand and is so kind and has such sweet eye twinkles. after, sitting on the porch w/chelsea chatting...telling jason i wanted to come bike touring in eastern europe with him....and finally confessing to E, sweetness of that easy clear direct convo--THIS, and hearing it reflected back received easily and reciprocated complete w/more eye twinkles....driving home.....eventually bed.....
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