fuck

so this week has been....heavy. things with jessay are messy and complicated and emotionally draining. having my mom here is also emotionally draining. i haven't been sleeping enough. polarity tends to stir things up. so...its been a bit rough. things have been weighing on me, i've been waking up feeling sad and heavy, able to shake it off for a few moments during the day but mostly just being heavy and sad. most of the stuff that weighs on me is not stuff that i can really talk about with other people. that tends to add to the feeling of weight. this afternoon was kind of a peak of all that--i took a nap and woke up pretty consumed by grey cloudyness. and i caved to my own inner weakness, my desire for care and support and understanding, fatigue of being alone in the grey cloud. then, i went to ecstatic dance. my body felt like shit. physically, emotionally, i wanted to puke. just achey and sore and painful and blech. dancing, dancing, dancing. about halfway through i was crouched down, just being with the shittyness of how i felt and it hit me. i'm lonely. DUH. and i've not been willing to just BE with that, just let it be there. so things have gotten complicated, in my head and in my life. even to the point of betraying your trust and telling those guys, because i wasn't paying attention and just couldn't bear to be with the feeling of being alone.

like honey, sun, and arrow

so this thing happens, when he hangs an arm over my shoulder or wraps them around my waist.  lets call it honey melt.  the physicality of my being dissolves, and i am just golden liquid.  sweet, delicious.  yes, probably addictive.

this morning when meditating, i saw the grey shell of my personality, the heavy sadness that has been holding me down by the neck yes that--saw it crack open and a big yellow sun-ball of light rose up out of the cracked grey shell.  glowing, impersonal.

yesterday when meditating i had a moment of experiencing being the arrow in the bow of life.  taut, ready, in service.  pointed in whatever direction is needed, ready to be aimed and fired.

tonight, i dance my prayers.

here's to the weekend--that it be full and rich and nourishing, grounding and spacious.  huzzah!

today

From Pema Chodron...

"The Buddhist teachings...encourage us to relax gradually and wholeheartedly into the ordinary and obvious truth of change.  Acknowledging
this truth doesn't mean that we're looking on the dark side.  What it means is that we begin to understand that we're not the only one who can't keep it together."  

more

and why does it matter?  because of the way she holds me--with her eyes, with her presence.  with her fucking arms and mouth.  with her heart.  because she reaches in and holds mine when it starts to shrink or close.  tipping my chin up when i want to hide and with the gentlest possible hand and a love firm like water.  because there is no hesitation and i can just let go.  because its safe and warm and gentle.  warm rain with thunder rumbling, lightning bolts ripping through.

i will miss the lightening.  but perhaps the rest is still possible.

this is my prayer today

mess

it all just feels like such a mess right now.  my room is a mess.  i'm behind on studying or worse don't know where i am.  i'm in this stupid relationship with this stupid boy that is basically all the hard, painful parts of a relationship without any of the good stuff that makes it worth it.  and once again i was given a sweet, amazing beautiful gift only to have it snatched away immediately.  fucking life WHY.

why does it have to be this way why can't there just be love that arrives, is beautiful, and stays?  why all of this snatching?  its like life is teasing me, torturing really and i'm so sick and tired of it SO SICK AND TIRED.  im tired of having a fucking half insane crazy boyfriend who comes and goes like the wind and can't ever be reliably counted on to just be there for me.  and why give me a sweet amazing beautiful friend, show me that we have a firey passionately explosive connection, then deny me and tear it away.  i just feel tired.  so so tired.  TIRED.  and sad and alone and just fucking exhausted.  sick of the fucking waves that never let up their beating, as soon as one ebbs and there's a moment for a breath's worth of relief, BAM the next one hits.  and its wearing me down.

i guess i should just give up.  again.  give up trying to do anything other then ride these waves.  i can't even ride them anymore, all i can do is lay in a heap on the shore, a bloody sobbing mess of a heap and let the salt water tear at my wounds.

all i want so badly is to be held.  held by someone who doesn't need me to be anything, strong or open or flexible or understanding or mature.  just a fucking mess who wants to be held and rocked and not let go of.  when does that day come?  

forward

right now i feel so surrounded by love.   its raining, i've only slept a few hours but life calls me awake again.  my mom gets here today and what will that be like.  the lovegates have been lowered and the flow is unstoppable.  so grateful.

one of these days, i'll sleep.  

waves

you told me you needed monogamy

i said yes

you told me you needed commitment

i said yes

you told me to speak only my truth

i said yes

you told me to keep my heart open no matter what

i said yes

you told me to let go of my ego

i said yes...i am trying

you told me to release all of my patterns

please understand that this is a process

you told me you wanted partnership

i was willing to try

you told me to be in the moment and flexible.  you told me you need boundaries.  you told me you can't say no to me.  you told me i mustn't say no to you.  you told me you can't  hold me you told me i never hold you.  you told me your not available for this.  you told me i'm not right for you.  you told me you could embrace this work in the space of commitment.  then the fear of that drove you away.  like waves you return, then depart.

i do not know what to think anymore.

we are just bags of water, sitting on a rock, and we have no idea what we're doing.   and we're together on this rock, and all we can do is love each other.  

waves are comin in

ariela. thank you for creating a beautiful magical healing space, and for being both understanding and encouraging. i want to tell you that i am taking this day because i need one day to be still. and quiet. turn off all my external sensors and go inside myself. there is an ocean inside me right now and the waves are pulling me under. thats' ok but i need to pay them some mind because my brain is starting to fill w/salt water as my head gets pulled under. i am taking this day to remember how to breath like a fish. love to you and i'll see you next month.