pit

that precarious moment, balanced between the plunge and....the abyss....6days and a wake up frank said today.  i'm t.e.r.r.i.f.i.e.d. standing on the edge of this precipce.  i want it to be in something, to be someone to have a life to feel certain and steady and

i

don't

.

watching myself desperately trying to push into these different worlds, to just be somewhere, someone. terrified of floating away feet gently losing ground until i'm bobbing invisibly above this world and in no world, only watching what i am not a part of.

ezra and mala here is a sweet treat, and hearing all the latest at twin oaks, feeling that yearn to be back home again much as so much of it didn't work so much of it does and that feeling of home

ease

being seen and known

i feel fatigued with the effort of trying to be someone, of working to be.

just

tired

wanting to swirl into a life that flows around me through me and is me.  instead of constantly beating at the doors of myself trying to be.  instead of me caged inside screaming to be let out and filtered through all the fucking bullshit trash that is clogging my head and my heart.

tired.

i just don't want to be alone, i just want people to see me and let love be enough.  i think i'm yearning for a time and place that hasn't yet been or is always being.

also still terrified of myself and my crazy obsessiveness and ability to poison with love.  so called.

and underneath it pema nails it again....

"we also see our strong belief that if only we could do everything right, we'd be able to find a safe, comfortable, and secure place to spend the rest of our lives"--pema chodron