Saturday, November 23, 2013

florida revival

it is definitely time to revive this blog.  i just read my previous post--so prescient as now i am living in Gainesville, Florida.  I am a student at the Florida School of Massage.  i am being gently guided on the
ineffable path deep into myself.  i am being deeply and irrevocably altered, transformed, ripped open and reborn.

my nest
right now i'm sitting with the Final Break Up conversation with sky.  almost 8 years of life partnership, poofed.  its been coming, oh its been rolling towards me for months now but still sitting in the crucible of the finality of it i can feel the last 8 years of who i thought i was tumbling away from me and its fucking terrifying.

naturally, there is more and it all comes in one giant tidal wave.  Prisa Lenta, the community building project that has in a sense been the context for my life for the last several years, is functionally done.  Sky is withdrawing, which essentially guts the project.  Our little crew is the closest to a family i've felt since my own nucleus disintegrated.  the most aligned in values, the most synced up in life/world visions.  the most in tune with how and who i want to be in the world.

so that is gone too.  Feeling these shells of myself cracking around me and wondering, "who the fuck am i without these structures that have held me for the last third of my life?"  terrifying.

and so i am entreating myself to slooooooooooow down. to savor this process,  palpating into the pain with deep breaths and a calm heart.  touching in slowly enough to feel into the fear-fascia enmeshing my cells and let this experience reverberate into my atoms, cells, tissue, organs, systems, being, and inter-being.