Tuesday, February 12, 2008

the galloping death

a day and half of no power, then a day and half of the galloping death (fever, cough, congestion) as i continue hurtling down this rocky road of weird instability. sunday i met with the star family (sky, paxus and hawina, willow's 3 parents), along with hawina's partner, corb. we were talking about our relationship to willow (now 6 years old) and to the family, now and in the future. whew! poignantly timed with sky having all kinds of doubts up about our future together. holding onto so many unknowns while needing to speak decisively about the future is starting to wear me down emotionally. sky is having doubts, so i feel like i need to be firm in my commitment...not that i don't have doubts too, but i'm scared of moving to a new city on my own and setting up a life for myself, scared that i'll end up living in a shitty apartment, in a dead end sucky job (or just chronically unemployed), that i won't have any friends or emotional support. how can i honestly evaluate our relationship in the face of all these doubts and fears?? it makes no sense to me. meanwhile i'm developing a pretty unhealthy emotional dependency on him and just feeling stuck on all kinds of fronts. sharing a room doesn't help...and at the same time its very sweet and homey. i'm a living contradiction, biding my time til something SNAPS.