on a 10 day meditation course, nathan is manager. for some reason, we take a trip into town on some bus. dad is there too. it gets late, we are in houghton/charlottesville and my bike is there downtown. crazy flooding rain. its 11pm and going back the center now means going to sleep late and waking up at 4 for the last day and i've only been sleeping 5 hours/night and i'm so tired. so exhausted. i talk to nate, tell him look my bike's right here i've not been sleeping by the time the bus gets home etc etc. i just want to sleep. would it be ok if.....i just biked home now and slept in my bed, then start again tomorrow?
he uses every tactic possible to say no--humor, strictness, shame, disdain. i get intense and stubborn and make it clear that its my choice and even though i'm asking its really up to me. and why is it so important to him anyway that he's getting so reactive, in his head what does it mean about him if i don't go back to the center that night. he laughs acknowledgment. leans in and rubs his rough shaved cheek against mine, sensually, alighting my body. one more little move that lights up my entire body and then continues on w/gathering the people for the return trip. i go off and explore the new ice cream parlor that put karma kream out of business--interesting fancy creative flavors that look delicious. i come out, yes, i will go back even though its late. because what is more important really than the work, the work of dealing, the work of practicing dealing with things i don't like and don't want. certainly not an imagined good nights sleep. my demands and frozen attachment melt and yes i will go back.
he uses every tactic possible to say no--humor, strictness, shame, disdain. i get intense and stubborn and make it clear that its my choice and even though i'm asking its really up to me. and why is it so important to him anyway that he's getting so reactive, in his head what does it mean about him if i don't go back to the center that night. he laughs acknowledgment. leans in and rubs his rough shaved cheek against mine, sensually, alighting my body. one more little move that lights up my entire body and then continues on w/gathering the people for the return trip. i go off and explore the new ice cream parlor that put karma kream out of business--interesting fancy creative flavors that look delicious. i come out, yes, i will go back even though its late. because what is more important really than the work, the work of dealing, the work of practicing dealing with things i don't like and don't want. certainly not an imagined good nights sleep. my demands and frozen attachment melt and yes i will go back.
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