movement

god it feels so good to be in my body and sensuality again--today was a day of healing and self-care. meditation, ultimate frisbee, hot sauna and icy pond, self-reiki....and then this sweet hot sweaty raucous dance party for caroline's birthday. the first half, i hung out with willow while sky djed. it was a little bit scary, thinking of him there with all those hot women who want him (one in particular, and its the reciprocity that seers) and, it felt very sweet to hang with willow in the fuzzy tunnels and ball pit, protect from attacking marauders, take care of his needs and just hold space for him. dancing with him on my back was a workout, but so grounding, solid.

still, i felt very cut off and shut down from my full expression. i still hold so much fear and desire to protect sky from feeling bad, hurt. so. i stayed after they left. danced. but DANCED. full on body spirit expression explosion. it felt so good, so full so intensely satisfying to just wallow in my body, sensations, emotions, and dance it all out. touching, rolling, giving in to the waves of rythmic energy sweeping through my body. thank you goddess, gods, planet, ancestors, for the gift of this body and soul in all its manifestations.

pain

the pain's sliced deep into my gut now, dug deep, settled in and took my appetite with it. everything thrown into the air again, and my attachment to sky feels fatal to my sanity. how did i end up in this place and why is my room so f'n cold. all i want to do is run down to his room, snuggle up, be held, but i'm losing myself in this crazy connection. losing my grounding, my separateness, my solidity. forcing myself to take steps away from his room, mentally tying myself to the bed so i don't streak down in the middle of the night.

i need a reality check, a voice of sanity, a hand reaching out or arms hugging.

roiling along

i just cried for an hour solid. its been awhile, and it felt good--deep guttural sobs. there were ostensible reasons: sky not communicating well, feeling worn down from emotional challenges here at TO, feeling lonely, self-deprecating........but really, my heart hurt and my hormones were raging. when i let myself wallow in the absolute depth of feeling shitty, it was a sweet respite: those moments in between the running commentary on what i OUGHT to be doing/thinking/feeling.

its been sweet with sky. since i didn't get a room in morning star, his house, we've kinda been co-habitating in his room. the floor has become a giant bed, and last night willow (his 6 year old son) slept here too. i put him to bed while sky meditated, and it was very sweet. we read some more harry potter, then lit a candle so the dark wouldn't be too scary. it took him a little while but soon he was snoring away, all snuggled up. very very sweet. i really have such a deep yearning for family, for serving and care-taking others.

this afternoon i did reiki on kenrique, the self proclaimed wizard queen. it felt good, though i could feel all my own shit roiling in my belly. afterward, he talked to me about life and death and healing. "i'm just here to be me. and do my wizard queen thing. that's it." he is such a sweetheart.

tomorrow will be a big adventure--we'll drive to orange to get our potential deisel cargo van and take it to a greasle mechanic. he'll check it over for general maintenance stuff and also for grease conversion-bility. i'm excited that this project is moving forward, and excited for the upcoming adventures! now if i can just survive the next two weeks of emotional turmoil and struggle.........

back at the oaks

when it came time to finally leave isabella freedman on saturday morning, i felt very ready. after a loong day of travel (car to train to subway to train to train), my bandmates met me at the philly train station with a carful of dumpstered Trader Joe's chocolate and big hugs. after a delicious dinner of home-made chili and cornbread, we played a rocking house party at my baker friend Michael Dolich's house of love and happiness. as the night wore on, the floor was literally bouncing from the exuberant dancing. and the vibe was very high--happy people, micro-brew beer, homemade (handmilled, organic sourdough) bread.......hard to go wrong.

Sunday morning we enjoyed a leisurely 8 course breakfast with our sweet friend ali (potatoes, eggs, grits, salad, fruit salad, biscuits, coffee and organic bacon), then headed down to silver spring, maryland (DC suburb) for another VB first--our first superbowl gig! weird but, oddly, quite fun. we did a rockin' set before the game started, and the moishe house-niks got funky. then, everyone watched the game til halftime, when we played another rockin set. likely some kind of first in the klezmer world. VBs--boldly going where no klez band has gone before!

now i'm back at twin oaks, throwing myself into work, projects and friendships. it feels good to get back into the groove of making hammocks, sewing pillows, cooking dinner, going on walks and lying in hammocks. and, a little piece of my heart is still in up in jewtopia.