lashes

hating myself right now.  for the emotional wrecking ball and havoc that i wreak around me, most notably with the people i care about most, want most to be close to.  feels apocalyptical right now.  standing amidst the smoking ruins of the road to hell; paved with my best intentions.  and this is a pretty good definition of hell.  my presence is a poison that drives away the people i most want to be close to.  struggling with how to be with this.  how to be gentle with this.  how to soften the caustic voice that lashes at my guts with nastiness, spite and regret.  is anything changing?  am i changing?  am i doomed to an endless reply of this same set of emotions, thoughts, feelings?  feeling terrified of liking anyone or getting close because of the seemingly inevitable wretched ending that awaits.

just seeing her here and out, the way that errant lock falls over her face and the glasses that spark a seriousness belied by that mischevious glint and catlike strength inside......gar.

and just seeing sky's legs in the twin oaks kids play video, sprawled and at ease, so comfortable, soft, easy.

son i rarely think of anymore; the blessing of true and real space.  his release of me is palpable and liberating.  it does mix in to the lacerating voices though, adding another chord to the ruthless unrelenting disharmony.

naturally, its pema time.  time to draw close, closer, deeper in to this experience--how it sits in my gut like a pile of rotting fish.  how my heart shrinks in fear.  how my brain lashes at me again and again.  just letting it all play through and around me, just being just being just being.