cold

with the cold setting in, i feel my emotional brain shutting down. all systems point to--GET COZY!! unfortunately, the coziness level is currently quite low. both in my room and in my brain. its been a week of kicking myself, for one relationship trouble after another. i'm sick of it! and cold! i can feel my self shrinking into it, getting smaller and tighter.

i made myself go to ecstatic dance today after sitting in 2 hours of traffic to go 20 miles. returning from the cville foodscapes annual retreat; big news is wendy is dropping out! this bizarre and unexpected tidbit left us all reeling a bit. thankfully, it seems we can make money doing this so that relieves certain pressures. while adding to others. (damned commitment!). i still need to make 2 unreasonable requests today, and feel stuck. i still need to meditate. i REALLY want to curl up in a ball and watch 6 feet under.

Ro said today, he felt bummed cuz he wanted to give me love but didn't want to play this cat and mouse game. the game of him giving me love, me taking it for granted etc. wise one that one.

meanwhile, i enter the week of the crazy: tomorrow, women build habitat day, sunday more cville foodscapes retreating, tues. back to Alexandria...willow here wed.....etc. the madness would be ok if i felt more on top of my expansion. but this damned cold makes it so hard to not just shrink into a tight and tiny ball.

flow is on

well, after 4 and a half days of intense emotional upheaval and growing anxiety, my flow is on! thank goodness. interestingly, it wasn't til this morning that (at the suggestion of a friend) i focussed my intention on bringing it on. and seemingly it worked. that or the good half hour of co-counseling SHAKING. maybe both.


but man, i'm still sinking deep into some kinda pathetic mirey pit of self-yuckiness!! wavering really, cuz sometimes its just the world that is yuck. its hiding under the bed time. nonstop crying time. self pity party. blech.

at times its ok, just where i'm at, low down and in the depths. its just when i forget that its ok, that there's always times like this and just enjoy it while its here.......that things start to get ugly
awesome images courtesy of my sister's awesome picto-blog.