more of the same treacle, blah blah blah

amazing how not doing can feel just as if not exceedingly more than the doing.  drenched in sensation, my whole body vibrating with the not-doingness, turned back on itself til every cell is so fully alive, charged, vibrating at top velocity.  looks become a plunge into the deepest pool, to the depth of soul and heart. a smile drenched with significance, meaning, paragraphs, pages.  a leaf containing the enormity of the feelings that rattle around inside my body, unmet, unexpressed except through these minute expressions and exchanges.

why dissemble everything i offer into its crude parts?  is this the inevitable fate of an engineer?  and what really is it that i want?  only melting into contact, allowing release through skin and bone.  is it possible the ridiculous insatiable beast of torridness within can be satiated so simply?

focussing on--letting this life energy run through me and out.  releasing the thoughts as ridiculous constructs of my sleep-deprived brain.

let go kassia.  let. it. go.  who the fuck cares anyway right?  the only life to live is the one presenting itself to me, may as well choose to want what i can have instead of being jerked around by this craven bottomless wanting.  a misery, and a torture.  life, you, are making it easy on me; no decision to make, thank god.  you see where that got kathryn.  instead, only more crap to let go of, fewer thoughts to think, less feelings to feel.  somehow this ping pong game lures me ever back but seriously, enough.  i have no control.  it is out of my hands.  there is only : music, work, play, aliveness, and letting go.

i am mad at myself but at the same time oh, the deliciousness of wallowing in a sea of love vibrations.

also, over it and ready for more realness.  

back

and..........



                        SLAM

back again, here.  stupid, staring, heaving.  this really has been the lightening round, this chapter.  just thrown in my face again and again, panting and breath barely caught from the last round and again again again walking straight back into that plateglass wall knowing full well what i will be met with.

watched myself do it on the course.  EXACTLY the same as the last one except that the last one i was still stupid enough to take it seriously.

merrygoround spinning faster and faster and yes i wanna puke and NO i don't wanna get off yet.  so much karma to work out or sankara's that just woooon't leeeeeet go cuz baby i am watching myself prepare to dive straight back into the same flaming pit, slam into that wall, drop through that trapdoor.

just can't get enough til i can't i guess.  no sympathy for me, because it is only my weakness that brings me here, my greed, my attachment my seemingly unquenchable desire.

.........and now that i think about it.........this IS the first time in so many years that i have complete freedom and autonomy to follow these desires with a minimal amount of complexity/work/grief/processing required.  so by gum i'm gonna enjoy the shit out of it, and suffer the consequences like nobodies business relishing and reveling in every moment til this gypsy heart breaks from the fullness and is ready to settle down and follow some sila.  

returning, resetting, renewing

and so i'm back.

back in the land of speaking.  i've never had so many people ask me if it feels good to talk again!  which is sweet and i love that they remember that i went off to do this very strange thing and are considering what it might feel like to return.

this course.  felt.  so.  good.  it had been over a year and a half, the longest i've gone in probably 10-12 years w/o sitting a course.  i was so ready.  i even had some perks, being the most senior female student on the course: my own room, with a bathroom, and a meditation cell right in the room.  it all helped with my already pretty strong desire to

just

dive

dooooooown.


Some highlights:

--realizing, son is probably not mad at me (huge release relief)

--developing a sweet, sometimes even sassy, inner voice that cajoled me into practicing when i didn't want to.  gentle, persistent, loving.

--clarity about what i'm looking for in terms of intimate relationships right now

[LOVEPOD!]

....etc......

and i arrived back on sunday right into the fray and madness.  crazy 4/20 party w/band roulette performances swirling, holding on to E with my eyes and core as a raft amidst the madness of beer, bbq
and bong hits

a perhaps ill-advised impromptu sleepover

monday epic bike ride through industrial NW gville to the internships.....started at the gym...then a bit of rest and recovery at home, making juice w/the ali and then meeting E for a late nighttime walk parksit finally releasing into contact and that face holy hotdog glowing down at me under the streetlights

tuesday, pitstop at the bakery and sweet cookie gift from kyla, to The Office for the Internship....learning all kinds of useful stuff and piddling and working on gerald....home for brief rest then off to orthobionomy class omg blow my mind and heart wideopen and to dirty fist show +awesome macedonian rock band.  just enjoying myself and rocking out and enjoying those sweet people...

wednesday, up and out early to siembra....picking peas for hours under the bright blue sky, so happy to be out feet dirty face tilted towards the sun til that familiar physical exhaustion daze sets in better than any drug.  home....rest....busk at market.

it has been a bit of a marathon.  a marathon of goodness.

i'm grateful for the moments when i feel an underlying ease enter into the hecticness, or a slightly less frantic clinging to the usual things that i cling to....

and i feel this new flame starting to take hold.  just seeing that smile makes me happy.  wanting to be close.  fighting it all, calming myself down, slowing myself down to stay present, aware, connected.  i can feel those deep firm tugs at the reins inside myself wanting desperately to take the well-travelled route and so far, success at resisting and forging a new path

.