Saturday, May 17, 2014

life=weird, wild, beautiful

out in the siembra bean rows friday listening to david whyte and hit suddenly with the tidal wave of remembering kristen's comments at graduation.  "no matter what happens, remember that you are held--not just by your friends and family or community though hopefully by them as well, but by THIS, by wild and precious life!"

i had forgotten.  i had fallen into the rut of struggle and striving to make it all work by myself, slogging upstream hopelessly.

no, i DON'T have to know or understand or get it.  just trust that something has a handle and is making it all happen way more awesomely than i ever could.  

i had inklings, but couldn't have predicted the dark and smoldering sweetness that unfolded last night.  first, just cuddling, me in just friend mode.  no expectations.  cuddling cuddling cuddling.  which, really, does it get any better?  then little kisses being delivered like presents, all over my head and neck.  still holding my ground.  then, the sweetest, softest, electric stroking around my face.  so gentle.  so delicate.  slowly electrifying my entire body.  then gentle, innocent mouth kisses.  should probably stop here before this gets really inappropriate.  but oh the perfection of that night, of receiving without an agenda or expectation, without pressure either direction.  and watching the deep well of passion crack open and heave forth mightily and oh oh oh so sweetly.  those eyes deep and warm, peering at me so openly; bottomless pools to swim in.  that one hard pinch, the brazenness and unabashedness of it warming me.  softly muttered "fuck" before another onslaught of passionate sweetness.  sweet grunts of satisfaction a gentle pulse punctuating the night.  weight, given and received.  inescapable kissing loops.  electricity ravaging my body until i have to push away, only to return again to warm cuddlyness.
i want to keep replaying it all.  and i have to just let go and let be.  not make it anything.  i have to believe this was only possible because of my own internal shift towards clarity--that i'm in a process of mourning and grieving and letting go of sky.  now that i finally have time for such things.  that i need allow myself to feel sad and alone and on my own when those feelings come up and i don't know what else but i've been praying for clarity and understanding to aid me in this process.  

Sunday, May 11, 2014


of late i have been waking up at 5 am, or 5 30, just ready to be alive and awake.  more living that i want to do.  mom just told me that her and dana are splitting up--its been...gosh probably 10 years!  i got the sense that it was his choice.  its shocking but also relieving.  i'm happy to be able to go home now--because that's it in part, why i never go back there.  that's not my home.  but mom is home.  and downtown houghton is def home.  she has so much support, and is trained in dealing with this sort of stuff still....OUCH.

so yesterday.  one of those days that makes me not want to blog because everything's so damned ridiculously blessed feeling.  busking at the haile farmer's market--getting paid to sit around in the street and play easy fun irish and old time music.  one lady vender gave us some absurdly delicious cookies, another, chocolate.  people stopped by to chat and take our card.  got a huge load of veggies after, and a bit of cash.  dappled sun filtering through the trees and clouds, perfect temperature, people-and-dog watching, jammin' w/katrina.  then an efficient stop at home and on to the vets for peace gig w/jd.  playing there i mean really, just sharing.  then back.  electricity.

can still feel rough thumb dragged across my lower lip lighting up my whole body.  and immediately after my own innards shifting into release and then a new questioning, movement, caution, backtrack.

girls rock camp training--i'm getting so excited!!!  such an awesome group of amazing women, and such an awesome opportunity!  loving and appreciating...and perhaps most important, starting to deepen my understanding of my housemates.  such an intense way to get to know people, such a gift really.  to get to see all the gnarly bits--nobody sees that stuff.

and still stepping forward bit by bit, moving into this new career thing with nervousness and excitement.

and today,  the beach.

sometimes the universe gives me what i want before i'm even quite sure what to ask for.  loving everything with bursting heart and spine tingles.