Wednesday, January 15, 2014

mess

it all just feels like such a mess right now.  my room is a mess.  i'm behind on studying or worse don't know where i am.  i'm in this stupid relationship with this stupid boy that is basically all the hard, painful parts of a relationship without any of the good stuff that makes it worth it.  and once again i was given a sweet, amazing beautiful gift only to have it snatched away immediately.  fucking life WHY.

why does it have to be this way why can't there just be love that arrives, is beautiful, and stays?  why all of this snatching?  its like life is teasing me, torturing really and i'm so sick and tired of it SO SICK AND TIRED.  im tired of having a fucking half insane crazy boyfriend who comes and goes like the wind and can't ever be reliably counted on to just be there for me.  and why give me a sweet amazing beautiful friend, show me that we have a firey passionately explosive connection, then deny me and tear it away.  i just feel tired.  so so tired.  TIRED.  and sad and alone and just fucking exhausted.  sick of the fucking waves that never let up their beating, as soon as one ebbs and there's a moment for a breath's worth of relief, BAM the next one hits.  and its wearing me down.

i guess i should just give up.  again.  give up trying to do anything other then ride these waves.  i can't even ride them anymore, all i can do is lay in a heap on the shore, a bloody sobbing mess of a heap and let the salt water tear at my wounds.

all i want so badly is to be held.  held by someone who doesn't need me to be anything, strong or open or flexible or understanding or mature.  just a fucking mess who wants to be held and rocked and not let go of.  when does that day come?  

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