monday. The Day Of The Test.
I woke up at 6:30 and immediately started doing a practice test to allay my fears (I didn't study enough eeek!). Eventually I forced myself to stop, stretch, meditate. more practice tests more more more til i wanted to explode....and outside to bust ass in the garden, furiously weeding and mulching in the blaring sun oh so satisfying. gogogogogo then inside for a rest and smoothiejuice, back and forth like that til early afternoon when court came over.
at the test--still felt pretty confident and walked out got the paper 809 BAM NAILED IT. flooded with relief, joy, excitement, pride and LETTING GO of needing to hold onto anything now, in the river and flowing forward. called a few people and texted my excitement......
then to paul's w/court, hookahing and dissolving into that giant comfy chair, kittenized. that feeling of not needing to do be anything but riiiight heeeere.
eventually, after many hours pulled a kassia and slipped quietly out the door and into the night, walking, sifting sorting. letting the convo w/paul settle....have i just been fundamentally wrong this whole time? perhaps i actually don't give a shit about him or being friends with him...novel concept. and liberating. walking barefoot and loving the night wrapped around me gentle and tree filled. downtown found the little benches built into the outside of popatop. nestled and continued sifting, sorting, watching, unwinding. felt good to let the tightness of 6 months unleash and flow out.
went inside eventually, and A's co-worker was putting away pastries. one of those amazing moments where just as i'm realizing i never ate dinner, dude looks at me over a pile of pastries and says "do you want to take home these chocolate croissants that i'm going to throw away?"......ummmmm....YES!!! over the next 10 minutes i collect 6 chocolate croissants (devouring 2 immediately), a ton of bagels and a tofu pesto sandwich. joy!!! A finally gets off just as the rain is starting and rides me home on his bike. at this point i am just wide open, so happy, peaceful, present. not having to be anywhere or do anything ever again. not needing anything. COMPLETE.
I woke up at 6:30 and immediately started doing a practice test to allay my fears (I didn't study enough eeek!). Eventually I forced myself to stop, stretch, meditate. more practice tests more more more til i wanted to explode....and outside to bust ass in the garden, furiously weeding and mulching in the blaring sun oh so satisfying. gogogogogo then inside for a rest and smoothiejuice, back and forth like that til early afternoon when court came over.
at the test--still felt pretty confident and walked out got the paper 809 BAM NAILED IT. flooded with relief, joy, excitement, pride and LETTING GO of needing to hold onto anything now, in the river and flowing forward. called a few people and texted my excitement......
then to paul's w/court, hookahing and dissolving into that giant comfy chair, kittenized. that feeling of not needing to do be anything but riiiight heeeere.
eventually, after many hours pulled a kassia and slipped quietly out the door and into the night, walking, sifting sorting. letting the convo w/paul settle....have i just been fundamentally wrong this whole time? perhaps i actually don't give a shit about him or being friends with him...novel concept. and liberating. walking barefoot and loving the night wrapped around me gentle and tree filled. downtown found the little benches built into the outside of popatop. nestled and continued sifting, sorting, watching, unwinding. felt good to let the tightness of 6 months unleash and flow out.
went inside eventually, and A's co-worker was putting away pastries. one of those amazing moments where just as i'm realizing i never ate dinner, dude looks at me over a pile of pastries and says "do you want to take home these chocolate croissants that i'm going to throw away?"......ummmmm....YES!!! over the next 10 minutes i collect 6 chocolate croissants (devouring 2 immediately), a ton of bagels and a tofu pesto sandwich. joy!!! A finally gets off just as the rain is starting and rides me home on his bike. at this point i am just wide open, so happy, peaceful, present. not having to be anywhere or do anything ever again. not needing anything. COMPLETE.
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