crawling

slowly creeping forward in this crazy tandem crush dance and drawn deeper, voices duking it out daily.  desire, overwhelming, pulling me under.  worry, fear doubt, yanking my hand back.  different for each one--the 1st, just the fear of watching the same f'n story play out again, catching myself in the same thoughts sometimes literally as before before and before that.  i don't know how to unplay that tape, how to find a deeper groove that is true and honest--reaching for those things i fall again and again.  in #2, still the doubt of course, the unknown, and a different set of thoughts....am i just using this for my own various nefarious purposes.  hiding from number 1.  hiding from my own pain.  stealing my way into a friendship i don't deserve.   i can feel myself wielding my power all while trying not to.  too many thoughts of course.....just let be let be let be.  doesn't help that my practice is, of course, faltering.

 really at root i feel overwhelmed, these (and everything) feed in.

 when i can make myself stop, stop STOP for a split second like on the way to school today, hashing it out just me and me while flying down the road then its so ridiculously clear.  how f'n lucky i am, how blessed to have people, beautiful people who see and love something of this me-ness.  the support that nearly drowns me.  the wind on my face, mist on the lake, moon in the sky and sun rising in the east as i pound the pedals on this speed-demon beauty of a bike.  nothing but goodness now REALLY.  including the delight of that family mode, just here, no where else and certainly nothing to fight against.

when i can remember how tiny my brain is in the vastness of the universe, the breath that has been holding in my chest remembers to let go and that its ok to release because after all its not just me in here breathing.  this giant vibrating organism of a planet is breathing me in and out and my tininess is magnificent in the freedom it affords.

so yep coming back to the same and always letting go letting be.  nothing to rush or understand, just letting it take me.  take me.

take me

re-covery

after the lecture on future and career including the usual breakdown by cousin/update of the multiple creative ways that they are succeeding (med school, law school) and how yes, i could do the same if i chose too.  after that conversation finally wound down and switched inevitably back to farsi i stood up quietly and let my feet walk me straight for the ocean and then down the beach, away away away and into myself.  and beyond, to touch back into that source that feeds, nourishing the magic that has been reclaiming me of late with sweet, unrelenting persistence.  landing in a dune, speaking to the sun, letting the ocean fill and bring me back beyond the me that feels small and inadequate and like a failure, a failure of a daughter who consistently manages not to live up to any of it.

remembering that i am a daddy's girl and that he still happily dredges up tiny details from my childhood.  remembering that i'm just an animal on this planet whirling through the cosmos.  feeling the soft suppleness of the sand beneath my hands.  feeling my body sinking.  and sliding away to open into the waterfallingup through the earth's core into and through me bringing "me" back home to this cosmos of explosive love.  all we are, right?  that simple.  so it IS our biological birthright to scoop up this sweetness that life offers, to absorb and consume and be taken by the deepest of pleasures and experiences and man what else are we here for but to feel alive and explode?

sink or drown

Feeling self conscious on here now cuz i'm losing the confidence that no one actually reads this but here goes anyway.

its interesting to watch myself in slowmo, falling for people.  i love it so much, its certainly human nature i attest--a biological survival mechanism which i tend to trust.  ali told me last night she didn't believe i could not fall, and i told her i'm not trying to not fall, just trying to do it with less attachment and more awareness.

especially as the weirdness rages on the homefront, i am certainly letting it be a refuge.  and experiencing a bit of this New World we live in, touching into the ways that we are learning to connect and feel now with the technology of the day.  IMAGES--are so impactful and it is deeply image based.  fascinating.

dad and Ame Pari arrived today, and already we had a conversation about pursuing further education.  its so hard for me not to get riled up but really.  there is no need to.

some fave quotes:


re: papirosen, a tragic yiddish song about an orphan selling cigarettes in the rain :   I think the message will come across as the lighthearted tribute to cigarette sales-boys everywhere

re: istanbul and whether it is eastern or western europe:   The gateway drug to the east then?

and yes this place is a familiar bus stop on the journey down--the river, the falling, what have you.  i feel even more trepidatious writing on the other one, as i feel the heat turn up daily and fight to stay present, to not push to relax into what is true and real and present, deeply.  this feels like the biggest learning of this time since coming south--that lesson hammered into my head until i begged for the pounding to stop.  no good can come of pushing for something that is not, for being anywhere but here, for wanting and dreaming and pulling.  in these oh so delicate times, the only proper path is one of SINKING.

magic descends

ok so in THIS moment i have a raging headache and minor housemate drama but i've been composing this blogpost in my head all day so here goes.

the magic is descending.  the moment that he said "i like you because...your magical" my inner fairy sighed with relief and exploded out of my heart and pores.  to have that be seen again, oh so delicious....so much fun life sweetness there, jukebox fueled crazy dance-plosion loveshack throwdown at the tail end of st. paddy's day celebrations.  so sweet so easy so fun so....striped.

and today, in this soft and low raw sultryness of hungover exhaustion, how easy to slide closer to that thing of beauty, touching in so gently so so so deliciously.  honey drips delicate and tender,  soft and so full.