Friday, May 30, 2014

no more waiting for godot

i want to run pell-mell away from this stupid inexplicable city where people go for drinks and everything is multi-layered and requires cultural literacy and interpretation.  i'm so norm corps i don't even know what it is and i fucking hate this stupid, insane complexity.  i'm begging for simplicity here, where the thing you say is the deepest truth available and you take it from there.  i don't have the time, patience, or the brain power for these games that i always lose anyway.  so tired.  probably those 5 hours of sleep aren't helping either.

how the hell do i carve out a bit of normal for myself in this?  what is friendship where you never see the friend?  taking a break from the alcy def seems like it would help.  and a narrowing narrowing down to a few that i can trust because man, it feels so shitty to be around people i don't trust.  tears well up when i think about home where people care about me and respect me enough to just be honest for fuck's sake.

dreaming all night about all of this and yeah already i'm starting to put HER on a fucking pedestal like that will help anything.  brain working overtime and into the night trying to work the problem.  man i miss sky.  and gpaul.  and calvin.  and misty.  and kate.  and kristina.  and angel.  and wendy.  michele, ro, marta.  god fucking dammit.  i hate this place sometimes, the headaches it gives me.  and here totally indulging in my victimhood, the way it forces my hand into these shitty addictive loops.

its also amazing living with chelsea and getting inspired by her summer dog days--practicing different instruments, baking, gardening, reading.  that is a life i want.  feels like maybe more narrowly subscribing my days and my interactions with people is in the cards.  thing 1 and thing 2 here at the house; i am just fed up.  you are amazing people and right now my emotional resilience cannot bear to deal with navigating your treacherous emotional labyrinths.

need to escape to the inside, to the still quiet nest of solitude and peace and SANITY.  i need stronger barriers right now, and a settling.  a settling inside.  a sifting and quieting.  its time to stop taking in new inputs, time for integration and weeding out.  simplifying.  and dealing with the addiction.  so tired of the reaching towards those who are not reaching back.  can feel my guts all distended and exposed, stretched out and sullied from the exposure to the elements.  road grit.  cat hairs.

my head hurts so much i can't even see straight and still i push myself.  time for the unwinding.  the undoing.  the unmaking.  the batting down for summer, curling in on myself exoskeleton out.

i can feel myself desperately reaching for that one in my head, a life raft out of this toxic sludge stream.  but that cannot be.  the only direction to unwind now is inside; nothing to say until this little ball of fear and hatred is a little less calcified, a little more spacious.  until there's a little more room for breath to wend its way through.

so tired of forcing myself to reach out and trust complete fucking strangers.  yes, they've been very gracious but now i want only my own gentle, knowing comfort.  time to stop waiting for someone to hold me and know and just do it for my own damn self.  

Wednesday, May 28, 2014

space a good feeling.  i forget that, the sweet sweet torture of not getting what you want forces the joy of it to the surface.  and when i do get what i want it often already tastes slightly stale.  even figuring out what i want is a trick i have not yet mastered.

and, i do feel slightly boxed in by my life, and mystified as to how it fills up so solidly.

why is flirting so fun?  i think its something about the certainty and moment of shared intimacy, clear and wordless.

kalpesh began my unwinding process last night in class, the most key component being

                              S             P             A              C                  E

and i am striving to grant myself (and those around me) this beautiful gift.  a breath.  a pause.  a gap.

and experience the wanting without the having.  

Monday, May 26, 2014

guess who is the florida state fiddle champ, contemporary category?!!?!?

that's right, NBD.........

something about me and the way i relate drives people to continually break up and then get back together with me.  yes, it happened again, friday afternoon just prior to the florida folk fest.  he tried on the phone first which i immediately aborted.  who the fuck does that?  then meditated, agitated and vibrating w/thoughts and arguments flying through my head.  he came over and there ensued several hours of dramatic wrenching conversation, stilted and jerky, punctuated by sobs and stormings about (me) and stoic staring silences (both of us).  oh, the drama.  the intrigue.  did i mention, the drama.  i felt frustrated at this stupid pattern i seem to be stuck in of repeatedly getting broken up with.

just chatted w/sky for the first time in a month or so--online but still.  what a HUGE relief, god it feels so good.  i hate losing friends.  and nice to pick his brain a bit about how the f do you do this breakup process anyway!  he did say that if he met someone, he'd go for it w/o waiting, so that was slightly comforting.  and that he didn't miss me, he missed being in a relationship.  also comforting.  in a weird way.  and told me about potential possible new romance which is awesome and could be so super perfect; i immediately started imagining prisa lenta + her plus me and JD.  oh, my, goodness would i love that.

i mean dang i just miss my friend.  bleh.

more on all that, later.

now, to bed.