amazing how not doing can feel just as if not exceedingly more than the doing. drenched in sensation, my whole body vibrating with the not-doingness, turned back on itself til every cell is so fully alive, charged, vibrating at top velocity. looks become a plunge into the deepest pool, to the depth of soul and heart. a smile drenched with significance, meaning, paragraphs, pages. a leaf containing the enormity of the feelings that rattle around inside my body, unmet, unexpressed except through these minute expressions and exchanges.
why dissemble everything i offer into its crude parts? is this the inevitable fate of an engineer? and what really is it that i want? only melting into contact, allowing release through skin and bone. is it possible the ridiculous insatiable beast of torridness within can be satiated so simply?
focussing on--letting this life energy run through me and out. releasing the thoughts as ridiculous constructs of my sleep-deprived brain.
let go kassia. let. it. go. who the fuck cares anyway right? the only life to live is the one presenting itself to me, may as well choose to want what i can have instead of being jerked around by this craven bottomless wanting. a misery, and a torture. life, you, are making it easy on me; no decision to make, thank god. you see where that got kathryn. instead, only more crap to let go of, fewer thoughts to think, less feelings to feel. somehow this ping pong game lures me ever back but seriously, enough. i have no control. it is out of my hands. there is only : music, work, play, aliveness, and letting go.
i am mad at myself but at the same time oh, the deliciousness of wallowing in a sea of love vibrations.
also, over it and ready for more realness.
why dissemble everything i offer into its crude parts? is this the inevitable fate of an engineer? and what really is it that i want? only melting into contact, allowing release through skin and bone. is it possible the ridiculous insatiable beast of torridness within can be satiated so simply?
focussing on--letting this life energy run through me and out. releasing the thoughts as ridiculous constructs of my sleep-deprived brain.
let go kassia. let. it. go. who the fuck cares anyway right? the only life to live is the one presenting itself to me, may as well choose to want what i can have instead of being jerked around by this craven bottomless wanting. a misery, and a torture. life, you, are making it easy on me; no decision to make, thank god. you see where that got kathryn. instead, only more crap to let go of, fewer thoughts to think, less feelings to feel. somehow this ping pong game lures me ever back but seriously, enough. i have no control. it is out of my hands. there is only : music, work, play, aliveness, and letting go.
i am mad at myself but at the same time oh, the deliciousness of wallowing in a sea of love vibrations.
also, over it and ready for more realness.
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