Saturday, November 30, 2013


driving across the span of florida in a borrowed car thursday late morning.  arriving at the chilly, blustery ocean and drinking it in as the salt air blows straight through me.  evening of sibling company--my classmate and her bro and sis, eating plate after plate of thanksgiving food curled up in a big squishy chair reading an amazing book.  sleeping on the couch.  next morn, cruising the coast with Dani.  sitting on the beach, sweet potato pie and two forks on the blanket between us talking about dads and moms and divorces and life.

driving home to my cold, heatless house (moving tomorrow!)  invited to a potluck/music/sauna jam in my neighborhood...biking through the actually-not-too-chilly night to magic potluck sauna land.  giving over to the heat as kids play and yell and the sounds of the handpan and flute from the fire pit filter through the walls.    post-sauna snack of squash soup, beans and rice and blueberry pie, eaten in front of the woodfire furnace.  gratitude.

Wednesday, November 27, 2013

high class problems

So this evening is not atypical for my life down here in Gainesville.  Its the first night of our Thanksgiving vacation and i'm so excited to have a few days to play with!  A school friend lent me her car for the tomorrow so i have some flexibility.  My options for the evening's activities were

 1) Jazz Bandits highly praised jazz band at Lightnin Salvage/Satchel's Pizza, a funky pizza place with reclaimed trash decor, homey vibes, friendly people.
2) music jam and stone soup chili around the fire at my friend and housemate-to-be Chelsea's house
3) hanging with a sweet friend and cooking pre-thanksgiving food.

I ended up going to the music jam--cozy on a chilly night (down to 30 degrees!): yummy chili, reading through new irish and old time tunes and chatting.

This is similar to my Thanksgiving Options, currently up to 4:  1) one friend who lives on the east coast beach 2) another friend in jacksonville (also close to the beach) 3) groovy local potluck 4) new spiritual guide friend+.

Um...i'm opting for number 1 this time around.  

Tuesday, November 26, 2013


There is so much light and ecstatic energy in my life here.  AND, my time has been reliably punctuated with periodic descents into darkness.  today was one of those days.  the weather complied by being grey and rainy, and i felt a rumbling heaviness building all through our morning class.  the lunch break added more.  Our class started out the program as two smaller classes; due to the number of folks who have dropped we were combined into one large class starting yesterday.  my lunch company was half folks from each group--and it was the first time i was hearing how traumatic the switch has been for the other class, largely comprised of introverts.  i love my little class, and we are definitely not introverts.  Many folks from the other class had just begun to feel safe and comfortable with their small group, and with the combining were feeling scared, shocked, unsafe, silenced.

The afternoon class today was Connective Tissue; and after a brief lecture the room exploded into people pairing off, extracting tables from the closet, pulling out sheets, the room filling to the brim with tables and chaos.  tightness growing in my chest.  feeling myself reaching outside myself for affirmation that i'm loved and exist. definite warning flags now.  i took my turn practicing the strokes, keeping my mind in the tissue.   and then as we switched and stood with our partners doing the standing awareness exercise, i felt the wave inside me crest suddenly and had to bolt through the room of still, quiet bodies, dodging arms like trees and escaping to the sweet welcoming back patio of the school.  i've already spent a number of days out here over the course of the program, balling my eyes out.  staring at the sky and trees.  balling some more.  it is such a sweet, safe, welcoming space.  i collapsed out there and sobbed for a little while, just feeling myself lost, swirling, letting go.  soon two of my favorite teachers came out to check in on me.  i didn't know what to say other than that i've been slowly letting myself be steam-rolled over the past week, losing myself more each day.  we sat quietly for a few moments and i offered to go back so that my partner could have a chance to practice the strokes.  they offered to move me to  a different room by ourselves, and i gratefully accepted.

my other favorite teachers
when this happens, i feel so highly sensitized to everything around me.  after school i couldn't even make eye contact or talk to anyone, just quietly scurried around getting my things ready for the massage i was giving.  and that part of the day was amazing--the most connected i've felt in a session yet, the most calm and quiet in my head.  the time flashed by--almost as if it hadn't happened.

home now, and struggling to figure out what i need.  cooking food, singing along to jewish chanting, trying to let myself be and feel.  just now another wave crashed over my head when i realized that i've been letting my boundaries by trampled by someone i've grown closer too here.  so sad and mad that i haven't gotten past this pattern yet.

A new spiritual mentor in my life wrote me this today:

What is so remarkable is your willingness to be awakened to the places where you have 'turned away'. Some people would just run screaming. Have respect for your own sincerity and courage.

Monday, November 25, 2013

monday lunch bliss

Lunch was short today but so sweet.  i spent the first 15 minutes streeeeeeeetching my poor constricted body that had become contorted and shrunken over the course of the unreasonably cold sunday.  all openend up i went and heated up the leftover soup from saturday's dinner party that Jessay had brought over--combined with half an avocado and pumpkin chocochip bread from ali=perfection.  made plans to go to thanksgiving at the beach with Dani...scarfed delicious soup.  paul and jessay were having an impromptu drum jam so we started dancing.....under the beautiful sunny florida november sky....
The School Yard