today sky left for california, with willow for 10 days. i left around lunch time, driving to twin oaks with tommy (/slinky/kenny), potential new VB drummer. pick-up truck. arriving at twin oaks amidst the usual tumult of emotions, and then bam, mala's in labor and having her baby.
holy shit.
we played music for most of the afternoon anyway, still toying with the beautiful sensuality that arises when trout and i play together........
playing our St. Patrick's day irish concert at tupelo, to a crowd of folk including my awesome housemates...meanwhile ez's new baby birthed around 7:30pm...
disappointment of my make-out exception being unknowingly spurned...seeing the tiny new baby, 2 hours old and so perfect. the rush of emotions--desire, sadness that sky doesn't want this, feeling out of place, rejected, alone. ready to crawl off and lick my wounds, or wallow in them.
scooped up then at the perfect moment into beautiful presence and connection. back down to continue my masochistic torture, watching trout and juniper do the subtle dance of eye-talk and tiny gestures, feeling betrayed after sharing musically SO INTIMATELY...soaking up the praises for baring myself...and then more safe warm open connection.
i feel jealous of ezra, and clearer on my own path. its too huge to make a snap decision, but all throughout the day i felt myself in the wrong place, the wrong orientation. i'd been thinking of this decision in terms of myself, the impact on my life, not in terms of who it would make me be. how it would alter my relationship to myself and the world.
so surprising to see perfect and utterly unwitting paths peep open, a reminder of the tinyness of my brain's capacity to grock this wild, wooly and wonderous life.
