Saturday, June 27, 2009

lost romance

alexis and debbie are here tonight, sweet in their new romance. eating wineberries and soy cream by the blackberry bush, then watching the sunset from the roof.

as soon as they walked in the door, i felt downright ornery.

trout was just here overnight, and it was sweet to be with him. i so appreciate the comfort and acceptance that are endemic to his being. ease--cleaning up the broken glass from my rushing while i tend to the bleeding toe, bustin' out the chords for an impromptu gospel number at the farmer's market, landing smackdab in the middle of a new social scene complete with blueberry crepes and french animation. just rolling with all that comes.

maya today told me about planning her and chris's beach trip. "so i said, can we take on the waves, you know, really trash talk em? and most people would, what are you talking about? but chris, chris is like yeah we can take on the waves!! heck yeah! i mean, who says that? who does that?" i can see so clearly how perfect they are for each other--each so vital, vibrant, kooky, kind and generous.

what all this brings up is: I MISS ROMANCE. i miss the newness, that spark of beginning, when it seems like a small miracle that such intense feelings could be reciprocated. the unfolding of mirrored recognitions......and the charm and delight of every small, shared moment. keening for that. how can i bring this back into my relationship?

well, first off--talking with maya clarified this--we should certainly stop living together. sharing our emotional, work, and social lives nearly 24/7 drives me stark raving mad, and i totally loose any sense of self and center. its been a blessed relief to have him gone, expand into the space of myself, my friends, my life. every day feels like a new gift, filled with unexpected delights and surprises. unpredictable. mutable and shifting and wild. like the world is my new lover, each day unfolding anew.

this gives me hope

this beautiful clip broke me open and made me sob uncontrollably--in a good way.