weary and overstimulated

today was a rough day. things finally flipped from the high i've been on all week. i'd been savoring living the life in nyc, having fun adventures with attractive people...today i've been feeling scared, unsure, unstable. various folks keep urging me to move to nyc, saying that if you want to play music its the place to be. i worry about not having really good friends around. i can only be driven internally for so long, and then i need to be nurtured and supported by other folks on a similar path. the city is scary and daunting for me; the year that i lived here straight out of college was the most isolated and emotionally paralyzed i've ever been. part of me wants to face the challenge and prove (to who?) that i can "do" it.....but i wonder if this is like twin oaks, better to visit then to actually try and make it your home. luckily i don't need to know the answer anytime soon.

i started learning a new waltz this morning, it was very satisfying to play only for myself after all this intensive busking. the middle of the day was one giant frustration, attempting to meet up with a friend to play dumbek/fiddle on the street...lots of subway time and waiting and locating. in the end we had a quiet cup of tea, and after we parted i forced myself to push through the exhaustion and put in a good 45 minutes of playing in the subway. i was totally worn out by the end, but it felt good. then i came home and treated myself to a vanilla almond bark toffuti/almond milk shake and an episode of west wing (i'm secretly obsessed).

aaron called at the end of the night, and we talked for awhile. i couldn't bring myself to tell him about my latest sexual adventures, it didn't feel right to do it over the phone since he'll be here in just a couple of days. and, i feel unsure about it all myself. that makes it hard to communicate things in a clear and compassionate way. i felt dishonest though, like i was purposely deceiving him.

well, hopefully tomorrow will bring a more positive outlook. david invited me over to play some fiddle/rik (an egyptian frame drum) and learn some arabic tunes with his friend bruno. in the evening carmine is playing with an oud/violin/dumbek ensemble. perhaps the soothing vibe of park slope will help mellow things out.