crawling

slowly creeping forward in this crazy tandem crush dance and drawn deeper, voices duking it out daily.  desire, overwhelming, pulling me under.  worry, fear doubt, yanking my hand back.  different for each one--the 1st, just the fear of watching the same f'n story play out again, catching myself in the same thoughts sometimes literally as before before and before that.  i don't know how to unplay that tape, how to find a deeper groove that is true and honest--reaching for those things i fall again and again.  in #2, still the doubt of course, the unknown, and a different set of thoughts....am i just using this for my own various nefarious purposes.  hiding from number 1.  hiding from my own pain.  stealing my way into a friendship i don't deserve.   i can feel myself wielding my power all while trying not to.  too many thoughts of course.....just let be let be let be.  doesn't help that my practice is, of course, faltering.

 really at root i feel overwhelmed, these (and everything) feed in.

 when i can make myself stop, stop STOP for a split second like on the way to school today, hashing it out just me and me while flying down the road then its so ridiculously clear.  how f'n lucky i am, how blessed to have people, beautiful people who see and love something of this me-ness.  the support that nearly drowns me.  the wind on my face, mist on the lake, moon in the sky and sun rising in the east as i pound the pedals on this speed-demon beauty of a bike.  nothing but goodness now REALLY.  including the delight of that family mode, just here, no where else and certainly nothing to fight against.

when i can remember how tiny my brain is in the vastness of the universe, the breath that has been holding in my chest remembers to let go and that its ok to release because after all its not just me in here breathing.  this giant vibrating organism of a planet is breathing me in and out and my tininess is magnificent in the freedom it affords.

so yep coming back to the same and always letting go letting be.  nothing to rush or understand, just letting it take me.  take me.

take me

re-covery

after the lecture on future and career including the usual breakdown by cousin/update of the multiple creative ways that they are succeeding (med school, law school) and how yes, i could do the same if i chose too.  after that conversation finally wound down and switched inevitably back to farsi i stood up quietly and let my feet walk me straight for the ocean and then down the beach, away away away and into myself.  and beyond, to touch back into that source that feeds, nourishing the magic that has been reclaiming me of late with sweet, unrelenting persistence.  landing in a dune, speaking to the sun, letting the ocean fill and bring me back beyond the me that feels small and inadequate and like a failure, a failure of a daughter who consistently manages not to live up to any of it.

remembering that i am a daddy's girl and that he still happily dredges up tiny details from my childhood.  remembering that i'm just an animal on this planet whirling through the cosmos.  feeling the soft suppleness of the sand beneath my hands.  feeling my body sinking.  and sliding away to open into the waterfallingup through the earth's core into and through me bringing "me" back home to this cosmos of explosive love.  all we are, right?  that simple.  so it IS our biological birthright to scoop up this sweetness that life offers, to absorb and consume and be taken by the deepest of pleasures and experiences and man what else are we here for but to feel alive and explode?

sink or drown

Feeling self conscious on here now cuz i'm losing the confidence that no one actually reads this but here goes anyway.

its interesting to watch myself in slowmo, falling for people.  i love it so much, its certainly human nature i attest--a biological survival mechanism which i tend to trust.  ali told me last night she didn't believe i could not fall, and i told her i'm not trying to not fall, just trying to do it with less attachment and more awareness.

especially as the weirdness rages on the homefront, i am certainly letting it be a refuge.  and experiencing a bit of this New World we live in, touching into the ways that we are learning to connect and feel now with the technology of the day.  IMAGES--are so impactful and it is deeply image based.  fascinating.

dad and Ame Pari arrived today, and already we had a conversation about pursuing further education.  its so hard for me not to get riled up but really.  there is no need to.

some fave quotes:


re: papirosen, a tragic yiddish song about an orphan selling cigarettes in the rain :   I think the message will come across as the lighthearted tribute to cigarette sales-boys everywhere

re: istanbul and whether it is eastern or western europe:   The gateway drug to the east then?

and yes this place is a familiar bus stop on the journey down--the river, the falling, what have you.  i feel even more trepidatious writing on the other one, as i feel the heat turn up daily and fight to stay present, to not push to relax into what is true and real and present, deeply.  this feels like the biggest learning of this time since coming south--that lesson hammered into my head until i begged for the pounding to stop.  no good can come of pushing for something that is not, for being anywhere but here, for wanting and dreaming and pulling.  in these oh so delicate times, the only proper path is one of SINKING.

magic descends

ok so in THIS moment i have a raging headache and minor housemate drama but i've been composing this blogpost in my head all day so here goes.

the magic is descending.  the moment that he said "i like you because...your magical" my inner fairy sighed with relief and exploded out of my heart and pores.  to have that be seen again, oh so delicious....so much fun life sweetness there, jukebox fueled crazy dance-plosion loveshack throwdown at the tail end of st. paddy's day celebrations.  so sweet so easy so fun so....striped.

and today, in this soft and low raw sultryness of hungover exhaustion, how easy to slide closer to that thing of beauty, touching in so gently so so so deliciously.  honey drips delicate and tender,  soft and so full.

processing loss

its been a while since i've posted here.  i guess i am most inspired when i am at my lowest points.  who wants to hear about a bunch of happy swarmy s@#$ anyway right?  i just left a message for sky, who will not call me back.  who is occasionally willing to gchat with me in a superficial way and is likely moving towards wanting no contact at all.  then there's son, i can't even let that one in.  just overflows the bucket.  dead to me, writing songs about what a toxic force i am.  there's my housemate, we were building a really sweet connection, yeah i know never hook up w/your housemates.  6 weeks later, she still treats me somewhere on the spectrum from ice to superficial acquaintance.  there's paul, my 1st buddy down here, i don't even know what happened but we just stopped.  being.  friends.  i've also lost my home, feel like i need to give VA a wide berth for awhile.  there's roberto and marta, who are subsumed in their busy NY life and so don't have the energy to reach out and make contact.

i know i know, its a transition, a new town, a new life.  but i am so fucking sick and tired of processing loss.  and there's really no escape, it surrounds me from all sides pressing in until i can't breath and the only thing i can do to get oxygen in my lungs is cry cry cry cry cry cry.

and doesn't help when my period is 10 days late.

i really miss having friends.  people that just get me.  who can tell when there's something brewing inside and with a simple look let me know that i'm not alone.   people who just accept me as i am and even better, love me for it.  people who
want me to get them and to love them.

really, this whole thing's pretty stupid without that.  

message in a bottle

so i find myself in this semi-weird position of being in a monogom-ish relationship that mostly lacks any sexual content.  i'm just basically not that happy about this.  so, survey.....i'm feeling like this is a don't ask don't tell situation.  girlfriend has needs.  that's all.

please feel free to weigh in on this one.

and  i just know yr gonna suggest communicating.  but this is a relationship where for the most part, more words=less communication.

and why don't you just get the fuck out of my house if yr not even gonna kiss me proper.  why am i wasting my time and energy on someone who really, honestly, can't even kiss me.  some f'n  b@#$ S*^@ i'd say.

i deserve more than this.  time to walk away?  can't really do that til school's done....which is ever creeping closer and closer.  stamina....waiting it out....wtf.....what i get for dating an air sign, breaking from my history of earth-sign boyfriends.

i really just want some water up in here, a nice jew-ish nature boy who can play with me, with ease and comfort and doesn't need so f'n much from me.  soft and easy and comfortable.  universe?  you listening?  and preferably one with lots of friends who wants kids.

thanks. 

lashes

hating myself right now.  for the emotional wrecking ball and havoc that i wreak around me, most notably with the people i care about most, want most to be close to.  feels apocalyptical right now.  standing amidst the smoking ruins of the road to hell; paved with my best intentions.  and this is a pretty good definition of hell.  my presence is a poison that drives away the people i most want to be close to.  struggling with how to be with this.  how to be gentle with this.  how to soften the caustic voice that lashes at my guts with nastiness, spite and regret.  is anything changing?  am i changing?  am i doomed to an endless reply of this same set of emotions, thoughts, feelings?  feeling terrified of liking anyone or getting close because of the seemingly inevitable wretched ending that awaits.

just seeing her here and out, the way that errant lock falls over her face and the glasses that spark a seriousness belied by that mischevious glint and catlike strength inside......gar.

and just seeing sky's legs in the twin oaks kids play video, sprawled and at ease, so comfortable, soft, easy.

son i rarely think of anymore; the blessing of true and real space.  his release of me is palpable and liberating.  it does mix in to the lacerating voices though, adding another chord to the ruthless unrelenting disharmony.

naturally, its pema time.  time to draw close, closer, deeper in to this experience--how it sits in my gut like a pile of rotting fish.  how my heart shrinks in fear.  how my brain lashes at me again and again.  just letting it all play through and around me, just being just being just being.