back here, back

and so, here it is again.  the slowly-growing-familiar feeling of that jagged shard of pain piercing the heart.  slowly, slowly, i am learning.  that love hurts.  it hurts me, it hurts others.  and that. is. ok.

and when the shard wedges in, there is only this:  gentle, tender, holding.  being.  letting be.  letting it be there.  letting the piercing sensation reverberate deeply.  letting it be.  brain clammers to answer.  let it be.  let it be.  let it be.  breathing.  slowly, the feeling washes deeper--for me, next stop is the gut, the abdomen.  that gate between heart and core that i learned so long ago to lock tight against this very feeling.  holding there, gently encouraging the naseau to wash deeper.

and the waves:  fear.  breath.  fear. breath.  any resistance only causes the pain to cut deeper, slicing painfully.  there is pain and there is suffering.  this is about allowing the former while reducing the latter.

and this:  "if 'd only somehow packaged myself differently for you, hid my truth in the pretty clothes you love, played it cool, cooler, coolest,  THEN, then maybe THEN maybe maybe maybe at some future point we could have had another moment of sweet bliss.  this is addiction.  this unwillingness to let go of a single opportunity for bliss.

to deny my truth in the pursuit of bliss.  this bliss is not worth having.  for me, my friend, and certainly not for you.  you told me this so clearly in september.  informing me so clearly that we are different people.  that we always will be.  that we'll end up right back here.

i didn't understand but now i do.  you never wanted ME.  you never wanted my truth.  you loved that i wanted you, YOU exactly as you are.  you delighted in the sensation of being seen and loved exactly for who you are.  you called me out when i stopped doing that.  and yet--did you offer me the same?

thank you for exiting gracefully, for removing yourself.  there is nothing left here, you are so right.

i can see the whole history--each step, giving me a new facet of what can be in relationship.  and reliably, each time, there is no going back.  being met, seen and loved by sky.  being met by ro in the romantic realm.  experiencing the universal-love-bliss with son.  and now, feeling the universally expanding potential of that love-bliss w/jes  there is only one way and it is forward.

and these (inevitable?) hurts are only made worse by clinging, by denying the truth.  each step has resulted in hurt and pain--for me also, and for each of them.  this is the hard nut i am learning to swallow.  i want to understand more.  if the bodichitta way is to ask, "how are my actions causing pain in the hearts of others" then how does this love thing fit in?  other than by becoming a nun....or maybe that is just it.

we have definitely milked the pain-value of our connection, son and i.  we have gone beyond the point of sanity, because it felt so good.  and still i feel hurt and angry, i feel attached.  i don't want to let go, even though that is all there is.  letting those gates open between heart and core, letting the feelings wash down again.  down down deeper.

letting go of the idea that it ever could be different.  that this herenow is anything other than exactly perfectly as it should be.  this here is the pain i have been avoiding, running away from, trying to finesse.  finally, and there is relief in letting it wash down.

i gave noah my full, honest, truthful self.  and he, in return, loved me.  accepted, heard, took in, and loved.  there is really no other option.  if this is my path, then there will be some inevitable cutting.  there will be cutting away and that is painful.

oh my friend, my sweet sweet friend, we both wanted so badly for this to be more than it was.  and it was so much--a magical ride, sweeping me out of my stuckfastedness, carrying me forward in a rushing tide of love and life and delivering me safely and gently onto the shores of this next amazing bend in the river.  i'm still so so grateful for that, and for everything you taught me.  i hope that you are able to hold onto what was good and beautiful between us as you move forward on your own path.

meanwhile. ow.  ow.  ow.  ouch.

and breath.  

I'M ON BREAK!!!! and its sooooooo gooood.

The Green House!

Calvin visited from Twin Oaks for the first 5 days, and we had nonstop fun awesome adventures the whole way.  Here's the breakdown----luckily, he had his camera so here's lot o' pics too!

Friday night--he just missed QUICHE NIGHT at my house--friends over for triple-quiche extravaganza, plus pumpkin chocochip bars.  some swing dancing in the living room and string-jammin on the porch.  after he arrived, we walked over to the big white house where dani was chillin, drove around a little and then went downtown for a bit.

Saturday--GAINESVILLE BIKE TOUR AND ADVENTURES.  we started off the day with a little tour of the co-op, Civic Media Center, Wild Iris Bookstore complex.

Preparing for the big Bike Adventure

CMC Courtyard Patio/Stage

The Co-op!

Civic Media Center/Radical Press Coffee Collective

Then we biked over to the Catholic Worker House where we fixed up a raised bed that had been repeatedly run over by cars!

Fixing the Raised bed, with Daniel Catholic Worker

Catholic Worker Raised Beds

Armed with directions to the Blackacres Micro Farm, we biked across town and checked it out.   After a brief, informal, self-guided tour (and mouthfuls of Kumquats), we decided to bike over to the Devil's Millhopper, a state park/sinkhole in far NW gainesville.  We finally found it and got there 10 minutes before closing!  just enough time to check out the sinkhole.

Kumquats!  at Black Acres Microfarm

Black Acres Microfarm 

Black Acres Microfarm

too many kumquats.....

  Riding home in the sunset, we stopped for a fairly delicious meal at Civilization, made a couple detours to deliver beer to Paul (an outstanding debt) and check in on Jes at the Big White House (where i used to live--classmate Jessay moved in there just after i left for the Green House).  We made plans for the next day w/jes and his mama, then headed HOME.

Big White House

Big White House Courtyard

heart-stretch

posts to come soon on a most fabulous visit from calvin, but for today....heart is sinking a little bit just getting off the phone with my sweet sweet son-shine boy.  we haven't talked in a month or so....and i finally told him all that is happening in my head and heart down here on this gainesville trip.  this crazy love-journey spiritual path that i've found myself on---learning to fall madly in love with the whole world and everyone in it.  how can i explain this to someone so far away that i care (d?) about so much with this tiny little telephone in my hand.  sacrilege.  i hurt him i'm sure but i can't do anything, can't be with it and him can't feel what he's feeling can't reach out and just be there because because because virginia is so far from florida.  so is it better to be honest?  how can it not.  and what is happening now--i can't know.  and again only letting go letting go letting go.  no, i can't hold on to every love i've ever had.

recently the pieces have been all falling together--especially having parallel experiences over christmas.  last year, so in love, son pulling back, going home for christmas, realizing how magical and potent our connection was, coming back back back.  this year.  the. same. f'n. thing. with jes.  it makes it so much easier to just sit with the grace of it.  remembering my very first love when i was 14, and the same. thing. happened.  so yes, its me and not you.  and yes its not me, its you.

this is me, apparently.  in the fire.  and whoever's up for that, i'm down.  and i'm learning to hold it all with more gentleness, understanding that what i seem to almost unconsciously demand in relationships is a tall tall order.  not everyone is up for it in every moment.  and that is so ok.  so ok.  it doesn't change my commitment or who i am.  as long as that is who i am and what i want, i have to accept that there will be hurts and pulling back-s and roller coasters.  

so here now, the only thing i can do is trust--that he'll be ok, that what needs to happen will, that i will continue growing.  that my intention is to not harm others.  that who i am is changing.  constantly.  and that all there is is to continue looking for and communicating the truth.  to continue loving myself and expanding my ability to love others, exactly as and where they are.

still i feel my unsides c.r.a.c.k.i.n.g. just a little bit.

now that i've tasted it, there's no going back.  and still the fears knock at the doors.  deeply harrowed grooves of habitual thought-reactions pull me down.  i dreamed last night i was getting drunk, going numb, unconsciously causing harm.  i have tasted the depths of sweet sweet freedomlovecstacy and i cannot go back and still forward can only happen one breath at a time and my animal brain is shaking scared.  i don't know this path and i am alone. i don't know this path and i am not alone.  i know this path. i am not alone.  blue sky is peeking in through the morning branches and i have a visitor from my past.  he arrived baring the gift of Me that i was before all this, This, THIS--this bend in the river that happened 3 months ago still so new i'm breathing it in like a baby.   i don't like that Me and it doesn't like me.  i don't want to go unconscious and yet the water pushes in on me from all sides, a force stronger than gravity pushingpushingpushing.  only one choice as always.  giving over to my own watery tide of

let go.  breath.  breath.  let go.

pause.

breath.  let go.  let go.  breath.

shifting, opening, rooting

my new room: minimalist

there is something happening inside of me.  was it the 2 quarts of reishi tea i drank this week?  the Alex Grey talk that registered as a psychedelic experience?  the inevitability of a meditation practice coupled with the intense personal work of massage school?  my deepest layers of tissue and cells being touched into and realigned on a daily basis?

The new sleep schedule i seem to be in, where 5 hours a night seems to suffice for days at a time?

Regardless, yesterday morning it descended on me, like a gentle sheath washing over and through this body.  clarity.  of vision, purpose, values, direction.  simplicity.  focus.  falling away.

the answer to your question is yes

its all so simple!  said the voice, coming from a portal newly unclogged.  EVERYTHING.  yes, everything.  food; so simple.  all i want to eat now are roots and fruits.  and maybe some reishi tea.  images that pour out of my fingers inevitably draw downward towards the earth.  my legs want to plug into the planet and send down shoots, draw up vitality.  there aren't many words associated with this experience; it is in large part an experience of far fewer words than i am accustomed too.  the words falling away from the shores of this river of calm peace, laughter bubbling up when i see the inevitable eddies my mind longs to create.  certainly there's a desire to keep and hold this state; to believe its "how it is" now.  and yesterday, biking to school for thai massage it told me--enjoy this, you are safe as long as you are in touch with the inevitability that it, and everything, will change.

?

the questions i am asking myself these days:

am i doing everything i can to get the most out of massage school?
why does my head still hurt?
who is going to cuddle me?
should i bike to school tomorrow?
food:  yummy, healthy, or just drink more water?
do more processing or just drop it?
will i stay in gainesville after school?
can i just learn from this with out reacting?
do i REALLY need more sleep?
who is going to cuddle me?
should i  busk today?
what's for lunch tomorrow?
farmer's market or grocery store?
who is going to cuddle me?

Answers welcome....

Sunday!

Woke up with no particular reason to get out of bed; such a lovely feeling.  stretched, meditated, napped.  then my fave--pre-breakfast gardening in pjs.  housies were breakfasting on the porch as i started to unearth our lovely plot from its thick weed covering--discovered some dill buried in there.

housemate ali turns over the compost

Then, to the kitchen to make buttermilk pancakes w/some of the pre-dumpstered buttermilk we got delivered yesterday--delish with coconut, banana, kiwi, maple syrup.  continued on into food prep for the week; hummus making, a big pot of reishi tea and a little pot of forbidden rice.  another little lie down, a little studying.  the day is gorgeous, sunny and 85.  after whipping up some lunch for tomorrow (forbidden rice cooked in Kentucky's leftover bacon fat, tossed w/toasted walnuts, kale, coconut, dates, and a little seaweed) jumped on the bike to pedal up to Ward's grocery store for the Veganaise i promised Kentucky I'd buy today.  i LOVE grocery shopping and its something i missed intensely living at Twin Oaks.  I love to wander through the aisles and see what catches my eye, what's on sale, what looks good....today was the first day of local kumquats, not too expensive either.  i grabbed a 69 cent FL avocado (always good to have a few extras ripening in the pantry), a mango that also would require some ripening and a $2 melon.  found my Veganaise.  meanwhile i'd been texting with a couple of classmates--one was studying and i contemplated joining her.  another friend was just sitting down to meditate so i headed over to his place and joined for the sit, relishing the beautiful bikeride day en route.  after sitting we morphed into an impromptu muscle review and palpation session.  I love being a massage school nerd with nerdy massage school friends!  and then some serious talk and processing.  yep, still me.

i so relish the feeling of autonomy that fills my weekends.  cooking on whim, lounging on a whim...living on a whim and following the tides of the day and my desires.  

Rising

Do you know Rising Appalachia?  You should!!

Yesterday (ok this took a few days to get out so this was actually Tuesday.  Crazy week).  School started with a Talking Stick Circle with both classes--all 38 of us in a circle, passing the talking stick (aka crying stick) and sharing whatever felt present and true in the moment.  Like last time, i was struck at the depth of difficult life circumstances people are dealing with; a child gone missing at age 3, a sister passing this summer, becoming Mom to a sister's abandoned daughter at age 14, then losing a grandmother and struggling with eating disorders.   This time I was particularly nailed by a couple people talking about being in emotionally abusive relationships.  I forget how ubiquitous this is and our little community is no exception. And so many surprising shares--its easy to judge someone by how they come off or present, and learning what they are dealing with in their life right now; well, it just changes everything.  And it all makes me grateful for my life and the tools that I have amassed, the belief i hold that i am not alone and that people WANT to be there for me and support me.

After school I borrowed a friend's car and moved, finally! to my new house with its adorable porch, 2 cats, and 3 lesbian roommates.  after the 2 hour flurry of packing and loading and unloading, i drove back to school to pick up Ali with her car.  While waiting for her, the student clinic folks were talking about how they needed someone to fill the next clinic slot as someone had flaked.  I said i was not available.  exhausted, sweaty, spent from packing.  about to go to a show that evening.  this was my free 2 hours to meditate, shower, chill, light Chanukah candles.  but slowly it dawned on me that there was really no reason not to fill this slot.  Paul would lend me sheets, i could borrow a clinic shirt.  there's a shower out back.  and i'd been just thinking about how i wanted to be doing more massage and how much i enjoy the mental/emotional impact of doing a massage.  As i sat there my reasons seemed sillier and sillier and so i said "yeah ok, actually, sure i'll do it."  ran out back for a quick shower, borrowed an official shirt and some sheets and was ready to go.

The Jam Outdoors

Doesn't quite capture it but you get the idea

After a quick stop at home for food and a change of clothes, it was on to The Jam for Rising Appalachia in the backyard of The Jam.  The Jam is a sweet little venue with an indoor space as well as out back....oh, out back is a beautiful outdoor stage and dancing area with a bonfire, big oak trees hanging low over the stage, soft ground to dance on.  And tonight, tons of musician and massage school folks dancing right next to the stage and that beautiful music.  

And if you don't know about these amazing women yet, look them up!!  Here's what they say on their website Music is the tool with which we wield political prowess. Melody for the roots of each of us…spreading song and sound around the globe. Music has become our script for vision, not for aural pleasure, not just for hobby, but now to connect and create in ways that we aren’t taught by mainstream culture. We are building a community and tackling social injustice through melody, making the stage reach out with octopus arms to gather a great family. 

fire and ice

the last couple of days i've felt a little frozen. the temperature has dropped in sunny Florida and for this reptile-blooded girl in this giant unheated drafty house, that is a serious business.  i've been eating a lot of soup and chain-hot-water bottling.  also sitting with a re-kindled love inside of me.  not re-kindled in the sense of something different happening in the material world.  re-kindled as in the flame that i thought might have finally gone out and left me in peace suddenly surging again, bright and alive and huge inside me.  i keep finding myself cursing quietly under my breath at random moments.  or laughing out loud and uproariously at odd times.  and.   in rarer moments, letting that quiet inner voice speak; "nothing to be afraid of, kassia."  ITS JUST LOVE!  hahahahah.  i am afraid of feeling love!  well, so what if its huge and overwhelming and has no place in my life right now.  so what if all i did when we were together was grab hold of this feeling and squeeze until there was nothing left but my empty, whitened knuckles.  

but when the cold winds blows through this house and there's nothing to keep that fire from raging.....i am at their mercy.

thank goodness, last night a friend popped up online and then came over for a chill evening.   we meditated together.  then he made us both an amazing cheese plate and deliciously roasted brussel sprouts while i made pumpkin-chocolate chip bars (seriously worth it). and  by bedtime the ice and the fire had reached relatively comfortable level of homeostasis.

thank you for the flames

 i still slept with the hot water bottle.  

Thanksgiving

driving across the span of florida in a borrowed car thursday late morning.  arriving at the chilly, blustery ocean and drinking it in as the salt air blows straight through me.  evening of sibling company--my classmate and her bro and sis, eating plate after plate of thanksgiving food curled up in a big squishy chair reading an amazing book.  sleeping on the couch.  next morn, cruising the coast with Dani.  sitting on the beach, sweet potato pie and two forks on the blanket between us talking about dads and moms and divorces and life.

driving home to my cold, heatless house (moving tomorrow!)  invited to a potluck/music/sauna jam in my neighborhood...biking through the actually-not-too-chilly night to magic potluck sauna land.  giving over to the heat as kids play and yell and the sounds of the handpan and flute from the fire pit filter through the walls.    post-sauna snack of squash soup, beans and rice and blueberry pie, eaten in front of the woodfire furnace.  gratitude.

high class problems

So this evening is not atypical for my life down here in Gainesville.  Its the first night of our Thanksgiving vacation and i'm so excited to have a few days to play with!  A school friend lent me her car for the tomorrow so i have some flexibility.  My options for the evening's activities were

 1) Jazz Bandits highly praised jazz band at Lightnin Salvage/Satchel's Pizza, a funky pizza place with reclaimed trash decor, homey vibes, friendly people.
2) music jam and stone soup chili around the fire at my friend and housemate-to-be Chelsea's house
3) hanging with a sweet friend and cooking pre-thanksgiving food.

I ended up going to the music jam--cozy on a chilly night (down to 30 degrees!): yummy chili, reading through new irish and old time tunes and chatting.

This is similar to my Thanksgiving Options, currently up to 4:  1) one friend who lives on the east coast beach 2) another friend in jacksonville (also close to the beach) 3) groovy local potluck 4) new spiritual guide friend+.

Um...i'm opting for number 1 this time around.  

darkness

There is so much light and ecstatic energy in my life here.  AND, my time has been reliably punctuated with periodic descents into darkness.  today was one of those days.  the weather complied by being grey and rainy, and i felt a rumbling heaviness building all through our morning class.  the lunch break added more.  Our class started out the program as two smaller classes; due to the number of folks who have dropped we were combined into one large class starting yesterday.  my lunch company was half folks from each group--and it was the first time i was hearing how traumatic the switch has been for the other class, largely comprised of introverts.  i love my little class, and we are definitely not introverts.  Many folks from the other class had just begun to feel safe and comfortable with their small group, and with the combining were feeling scared, shocked, unsafe, silenced.

The afternoon class today was Connective Tissue; and after a brief lecture the room exploded into people pairing off, extracting tables from the closet, pulling out sheets, the room filling to the brim with tables and chaos.  tightness growing in my chest.  feeling myself reaching outside myself for affirmation that i'm loved and exist. definite warning flags now.  i took my turn practicing the strokes, keeping my mind in the tissue.   and then as we switched and stood with our partners doing the standing awareness exercise, i felt the wave inside me crest suddenly and had to bolt through the room of still, quiet bodies, dodging arms like trees and escaping to the sweet welcoming back patio of the school.  i've already spent a number of days out here over the course of the program, balling my eyes out.  staring at the sky and trees.  balling some more.  it is such a sweet, safe, welcoming space.  i collapsed out there and sobbed for a little while, just feeling myself lost, swirling, letting go.  soon two of my favorite teachers came out to check in on me.  i didn't know what to say other than that i've been slowly letting myself be steam-rolled over the past week, losing myself more each day.  we sat quietly for a few moments and i offered to go back so that my partner could have a chance to practice the strokes.  they offered to move me to  a different room by ourselves, and i gratefully accepted.

my other favorite teachers

when this happens, i feel so highly sensitized to everything around me.  after school i couldn't even make eye contact or talk to anyone, just quietly scurried around getting my things ready for the massage i was giving.  and that part of the day was amazing--the most connected i've felt in a session yet, the most calm and quiet in my head.  the time flashed by--almost as if it hadn't happened.

home now, and struggling to figure out what i need.  cooking food, singing along to jewish chanting, trying to let myself be and feel.  just now another wave crashed over my head when i realized that i've been letting my boundaries by trampled by someone i've grown closer too here.  so sad and mad that i haven't gotten past this pattern yet.

A new spiritual mentor in my life wrote me this today:

What is so remarkable is your willingness to be awakened to the places where you have 'turned away'. Some people would just run screaming. Have respect for your own sincerity and courage.

monday lunch bliss

Lunch was short today but so sweet.  i spent the first 15 minutes streeeeeeeetching my poor constricted body that had become contorted and shrunken over the course of the unreasonably cold sunday.  all openend up i went and heated up the leftover soup from saturday's dinner party that Jessay had brought over--combined with half an avocado and pumpkin chocochip bread from ali=perfection.  made plans to go to thanksgiving at the beach with Dani...scarfed delicious soup.  paul and jessay were having an impromptu drum jam so we started dancing.....under the beautiful sunny florida november sky....

The School Yard

florida revival

it is definitely time to revive this blog.  i just read my previous post--so prescient as now i am living in Gainesville, Florida.  I am a student at the Florida School of Massage.  i am being gently guided on the
ineffable path deep into myself.  i am being deeply and irrevocably altered, transformed, ripped open and reborn.

my nest

right now i'm sitting with the Final Break Up conversation with sky.  almost 8 years of life partnership, poofed.  its been coming, oh its been rolling towards me for months now but still sitting in the crucible of the finality of it i can feel the last 8 years of who i thought i was tumbling away from me and its fucking terrifying.

naturally, there is more and it all comes in one giant tidal wave.  Prisa Lenta, the community building project that has in a sense been the context for my life for the last several years, is functionally done.  Sky is withdrawing, which essentially guts the project.  Our little crew is the closest to a family i've felt since my own nucleus disintegrated.  the most aligned in values, the most synced up in life/world visions.  the most in tune with how and who i want to be in the world.

so that is gone too.  Feeling these shells of myself cracking around me and wondering, "who the fuck am i without these structures that have held me for the last third of my life?"  terrifying.

and so i am entreating myself to slooooooooooow down. to savor this process,  palpating into the pain with deep breaths and a calm heart.  touching in slowly enough to feel into the fear-fascia enmeshing my cells and let this experience reverberate into my atoms, cells, tissue, organs, systems, being, and inter-being.

This weekend was an exciting transition; marta and i took a weekend Thai Yoga Massage Class--AMAZING, and it totally rekindled my excitement and passion for doing healing work.  it is just so gratifying to be in that zone, tuning into someone's body and energy field.  Feeling into what is needed and providing it if i can.
sky has a new lady.  we are in this weird transitional space that is endlessly befuddling.  its sad and hard and i just pissed him off which is making him pull away...makes sense but it hurts.  feels weird and hard especially in this kind of semi-broken-open space i am in from a weekend of being contorted and released and compressed.  sigh.  my prayer to the universe this week is for ease.  and simplicity.  meanwhile, i'll ask myself; how do my judgements serve me?  how do they get in the way of me getting what i want?  and put myself to bed before i cause more damage.  

First Solo Album: Magicians, Thieves and Gypsies!

I just released my first solo album!   I'll be spending the summer farming at Twin Oaks and brushing up on things Balkan, in preparation for Fall/Winter touring.  You can purchase a digital or hard copy at www.kassiaarbabi.bandcamp.com.  Or just find me busking on the street!