heart-stretch

posts to come soon on a most fabulous visit from calvin, but for today....heart is sinking a little bit just getting off the phone with my sweet sweet son-shine boy.  we haven't talked in a month or so....and i finally told him all that is happening in my head and heart down here on this gainesville trip.  this crazy love-journey spiritual path that i've found myself on---learning to fall madly in love with the whole world and everyone in it.  how can i explain this to someone so far away that i care (d?) about so much with this tiny little telephone in my hand.  sacrilege.  i hurt him i'm sure but i can't do anything, can't be with it and him can't feel what he's feeling can't reach out and just be there because because because virginia is so far from florida.  so is it better to be honest?  how can it not.  and what is happening now--i can't know.  and again only letting go letting go letting go.  no, i can't hold on to every love i've ever had.

recently the pieces have been all falling together--especially having parallel experiences over christmas.  last year, so in love, son pulling back, going home for christmas, realizing how magical and potent our connection was, coming back back back.  this year.  the. same. f'n. thing. with jes.  it makes it so much easier to just sit with the grace of it.  remembering my very first love when i was 14, and the same. thing. happened.  so yes, its me and not you.  and yes its not me, its you.

this is me, apparently.  in the fire.  and whoever's up for that, i'm down.  and i'm learning to hold it all with more gentleness, understanding that what i seem to almost unconsciously demand in relationships is a tall tall order.  not everyone is up for it in every moment.  and that is so ok.  so ok.  it doesn't change my commitment or who i am.  as long as that is who i am and what i want, i have to accept that there will be hurts and pulling back-s and roller coasters.  

so here now, the only thing i can do is trust--that he'll be ok, that what needs to happen will, that i will continue growing.  that my intention is to not harm others.  that who i am is changing.  constantly.  and that all there is is to continue looking for and communicating the truth.  to continue loving myself and expanding my ability to love others, exactly as and where they are.

still i feel my unsides c.r.a.c.k.i.n.g. just a little bit.