and so, here it is again. the slowly-growing-familiar feeling of that jagged shard of pain piercing the heart. slowly, slowly, i am learning. that love hurts. it hurts me, it hurts others. and that. is. ok.
and when the shard wedges in, there is only this: gentle, tender, holding. being. letting be. letting it be there. letting the piercing sensation reverberate deeply. letting it be. brain clammers to answer. let it be. let it be. let it be. breathing. slowly, the feeling washes deeper--for me, next stop is the gut, the abdomen. that gate between heart and core that i learned so long ago to lock tight against this very feeling. holding there, gently encouraging the naseau to wash deeper.
and the waves: fear. breath. fear. breath. any resistance only causes the pain to cut deeper, slicing painfully. there is pain and there is suffering. this is about allowing the former while reducing the latter.
and this: "if 'd only somehow packaged myself differently for you, hid my truth in the pretty clothes you love, played it cool, cooler, coolest, THEN, then maybe THEN maybe maybe maybe at some future point we could have had another moment of sweet bliss. this is addiction. this unwillingness to let go of a single opportunity for bliss.
to deny my truth in the pursuit of bliss. this bliss is not worth having. for me, my friend, and certainly not for you. you told me this so clearly in september. informing me so clearly that we are different people. that we always will be. that we'll end up right back here.
i didn't understand but now i do. you never wanted ME. you never wanted my truth. you loved that i wanted you, YOU exactly as you are. you delighted in the sensation of being seen and loved exactly for who you are. you called me out when i stopped doing that. and yet--did you offer me the same?
thank you for exiting gracefully, for removing yourself. there is nothing left here, you are so right.
i can see the whole history--each step, giving me a new facet of what can be in relationship. and reliably, each time, there is no going back. being met, seen and loved by sky. being met by ro in the romantic realm. experiencing the universal-love-bliss with son. and now, feeling the universally expanding potential of that love-bliss w/jes there is only one way and it is forward.
and these (inevitable?) hurts are only made worse by clinging, by denying the truth. each step has resulted in hurt and pain--for me also, and for each of them. this is the hard nut i am learning to swallow. i want to understand more. if the bodichitta way is to ask, "how are my actions causing pain in the hearts of others" then how does this love thing fit in? other than by becoming a nun....or maybe that is just it.
we have definitely milked the pain-value of our connection, son and i. we have gone beyond the point of sanity, because it felt so good. and still i feel hurt and angry, i feel attached. i don't want to let go, even though that is all there is. letting those gates open between heart and core, letting the feelings wash down again. down down deeper.
letting go of the idea that it ever could be different. that this herenow is anything other than exactly perfectly as it should be. this here is the pain i have been avoiding, running away from, trying to finesse. finally, and there is relief in letting it wash down.
i gave noah my full, honest, truthful self. and he, in return, loved me. accepted, heard, took in, and loved. there is really no other option. if this is my path, then there will be some inevitable cutting. there will be cutting away and that is painful.
oh my friend, my sweet sweet friend, we both wanted so badly for this to be more than it was. and it was so much--a magical ride, sweeping me out of my stuckfastedness, carrying me forward in a rushing tide of love and life and delivering me safely and gently onto the shores of this next amazing bend in the river. i'm still so so grateful for that, and for everything you taught me. i hope that you are able to hold onto what was good and beautiful between us as you move forward on your own path.
meanwhile. ow. ow. ow. ouch.
and breath.
and when the shard wedges in, there is only this: gentle, tender, holding. being. letting be. letting it be there. letting the piercing sensation reverberate deeply. letting it be. brain clammers to answer. let it be. let it be. let it be. breathing. slowly, the feeling washes deeper--for me, next stop is the gut, the abdomen. that gate between heart and core that i learned so long ago to lock tight against this very feeling. holding there, gently encouraging the naseau to wash deeper.
and the waves: fear. breath. fear. breath. any resistance only causes the pain to cut deeper, slicing painfully. there is pain and there is suffering. this is about allowing the former while reducing the latter.
and this: "if 'd only somehow packaged myself differently for you, hid my truth in the pretty clothes you love, played it cool, cooler, coolest, THEN, then maybe THEN maybe maybe maybe at some future point we could have had another moment of sweet bliss. this is addiction. this unwillingness to let go of a single opportunity for bliss.
to deny my truth in the pursuit of bliss. this bliss is not worth having. for me, my friend, and certainly not for you. you told me this so clearly in september. informing me so clearly that we are different people. that we always will be. that we'll end up right back here.
i didn't understand but now i do. you never wanted ME. you never wanted my truth. you loved that i wanted you, YOU exactly as you are. you delighted in the sensation of being seen and loved exactly for who you are. you called me out when i stopped doing that. and yet--did you offer me the same?
thank you for exiting gracefully, for removing yourself. there is nothing left here, you are so right.
i can see the whole history--each step, giving me a new facet of what can be in relationship. and reliably, each time, there is no going back. being met, seen and loved by sky. being met by ro in the romantic realm. experiencing the universal-love-bliss with son. and now, feeling the universally expanding potential of that love-bliss w/jes there is only one way and it is forward.
and these (inevitable?) hurts are only made worse by clinging, by denying the truth. each step has resulted in hurt and pain--for me also, and for each of them. this is the hard nut i am learning to swallow. i want to understand more. if the bodichitta way is to ask, "how are my actions causing pain in the hearts of others" then how does this love thing fit in? other than by becoming a nun....or maybe that is just it.
we have definitely milked the pain-value of our connection, son and i. we have gone beyond the point of sanity, because it felt so good. and still i feel hurt and angry, i feel attached. i don't want to let go, even though that is all there is. letting those gates open between heart and core, letting the feelings wash down again. down down deeper.
letting go of the idea that it ever could be different. that this herenow is anything other than exactly perfectly as it should be. this here is the pain i have been avoiding, running away from, trying to finesse. finally, and there is relief in letting it wash down.
i gave noah my full, honest, truthful self. and he, in return, loved me. accepted, heard, took in, and loved. there is really no other option. if this is my path, then there will be some inevitable cutting. there will be cutting away and that is painful.
oh my friend, my sweet sweet friend, we both wanted so badly for this to be more than it was. and it was so much--a magical ride, sweeping me out of my stuckfastedness, carrying me forward in a rushing tide of love and life and delivering me safely and gently onto the shores of this next amazing bend in the river. i'm still so so grateful for that, and for everything you taught me. i hope that you are able to hold onto what was good and beautiful between us as you move forward on your own path.
meanwhile. ow. ow. ow. ouch.
and breath.
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