i feel strung out, tired, worn down. ready to eeeexxxxhaaaaallllleee.
sad. sad at the loss of friends. small. tired. weak.
and in pain--my body hurts. taxed from 2 hour gig at Vine yesterday. and the emotional buffetting baring down on me of late.
inviting in peace and ease. gentle ease. softness. sweetness.
tears come so often these days, a gentle hand letting go
i feel so emotionally constipated--just overflowing and it keeps getting shoved back in me, not wanted. al i want to do is love--and yeah i'm not perfect at it--but WHY does it have to be so f'n hard? so painful?
dissolving into the tears.
why is it so hard for me to just leave people alone when that is clearly what they want? why is it so hard for me to leave him alone when that is clearly what he wants? these compulsions are old habits and run deep. i watch myself cutting myself off at the legs, helpless, paralyzed. pushing on the fulcrum of pain--muscles running over my brachioradialus illicts deeper sobs.
losing center, losing grounding, losing focus. and still i am so surrounded, engulfed by support. in this moment it feels overwhelming. elizabeth offered to take me to the beach tomorrow. there's a beginner bike ride to micanopy. or do i need to just do nothing and crawl back into my shell? i'm afraid of that too, of my habits and tendencies, of my feelings.
ah ha.
the crux. running away from the pain AGAIN. begging for respite. when i asked kristen exasperatedly "when is this going to end" she just laughed and said "you know its never going to end!" and ariella today--we're just these bags of water, sitting on a rock, and we have no idea what we're doing. but at least we get to be here together, and love each other.
dissolving.
remembering: the only way out is deeper deeper in.
goddammit
sad. sad at the loss of friends. small. tired. weak.
and in pain--my body hurts. taxed from 2 hour gig at Vine yesterday. and the emotional buffetting baring down on me of late.
inviting in peace and ease. gentle ease. softness. sweetness.
tears come so often these days, a gentle hand letting go
i feel so emotionally constipated--just overflowing and it keeps getting shoved back in me, not wanted. al i want to do is love--and yeah i'm not perfect at it--but WHY does it have to be so f'n hard? so painful?
dissolving into the tears.
why is it so hard for me to just leave people alone when that is clearly what they want? why is it so hard for me to leave him alone when that is clearly what he wants? these compulsions are old habits and run deep. i watch myself cutting myself off at the legs, helpless, paralyzed. pushing on the fulcrum of pain--muscles running over my brachioradialus illicts deeper sobs.
losing center, losing grounding, losing focus. and still i am so surrounded, engulfed by support. in this moment it feels overwhelming. elizabeth offered to take me to the beach tomorrow. there's a beginner bike ride to micanopy. or do i need to just do nothing and crawl back into my shell? i'm afraid of that too, of my habits and tendencies, of my feelings.
ah ha.
the crux. running away from the pain AGAIN. begging for respite. when i asked kristen exasperatedly "when is this going to end" she just laughed and said "you know its never going to end!" and ariella today--we're just these bags of water, sitting on a rock, and we have no idea what we're doing. but at least we get to be here together, and love each other.
dissolving.
remembering: the only way out is deeper deeper in.
goddammit
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