conneticut commune

This morning for lev (avodat lev=service of the heart, our daily group spiritual practice 6-7AM), josh took us up to a piece of property that may become the new adamah. it was dark when we started, and when we got to the top, a field nestled between woods and a skyline of mist covered berkshires, we all drifted apart to feel the morning light seep in. it felt so good to be held, contained by this space where we each had enough room for ourselves; this is so rarely the case. we were together but on our own, and it felt very healing. i can feel the group energy building into claustrophobia and fear based withdrawl: who are these people, anyway? can i trust them to hold me in my messy complexity? how can i understand this experience when i have no space to process?

its hot today, 82, feels like 85, and humid! in the sadeh (field) i had a brief virginia flash back. abby, one of the farm apprenctices, is hurting b/c of relationship difficulties. its a big theme here, many folks are looking for or struggling in a relationship. i'm reminded again that in relationship what you can bring to it is just as important as who you are.

i'm definately feeling lots of sadness, longing for deep, intimate connection (not necessarily romantic/sexual, which certainly brings its own set of challenges, esp. in a small community). i resolved this morning to sit in my inner spaciousness and give from that place, since it seems like we all need a little extra loving right now.

pad thai for lunch so i'm off.