kids!

sky's 6-year-old son willow is staying with us for 2 weeks! paxus, the other dad, is in oregon and will be around next week, but this first week its just the 3 of us. its really intense to just jump into the deep end of semi-full time kidness. i'm loving it, and of course its triggering and challenging in all sorts of ways.

i've been really enjoying the quest for new and interesting ways to engage and excite him. we've been to the library twice so far, and both times i totally geaked out in the kids section finding books about sharks, glaciers, earthquakes, math story problems, marshes and streams, etc. to share with him. its so amazing to watch him just absorb new information. he's super-smart, and when he's excited about something, utterly transfixed. i also really get into the little nurturing things--packing snacks for a day in town, reading him to sleep and snuggling before bed.

and i sometimes find it really challenging to strike the balance between granting a measure of independence that fosters a strong sense of self, and setting limits and boundaries and sticking to them. also, willow is a child of extremes and can go from ecstatic and sweet, to violent and pouty in a matter of seconds. its been a good practice to try and hold a strong center through his wild mood swings, and to not take it personally when he's upset.

it feels deeply satisfying to connect and engage with willow, and i'm glad to have the opportunity to spend so much time together. its great doing the ordinary, daily things: making snacks and brushing teeth. the city adventures are fun; we've seen Prince Caspian, gone to the library, and spent a day at the OMSI (oregon museum of science and industry) exploring dinosaurs, bog-life, the human body, planets and sea monsters. but for sure my favorite thing is reading with him, watching his mind stretch and bend to understand new concepts and integrate related ideas.

i still vacillate on whether or not i want to have a kid of my own; recently a friend here said that these days, its better to just put more energy towards saving the world and taking care of the kids we've already got on the planet. apparently there's a little girl that wants to be born to sky (as per elizabeth the channel), but sky doesn't want to have a 2 parent kid (at least 3 if not more).

so who knows, but for now its sweet to enjoy willow, and sweeter to know that we'll be in each other's live for the foreseeable future.

my day

this one was rich and interesting.

We started off with a trip to the library (oldest library west of the mississippi!) to get some books for willow's visit (2 roald dahl classics, james and the giant peach/danny the champion of the world). Then on to the northeast earth institute to meet with Martin Tull, the national organizer for the Northwest Earth Institute. NWEI creates curriculums for self-guided small group discussion courses to “empower individuals and organizations to protect ecological systems.” They just put out a discussion course on food called “Menu for the future.” We hashed out a bunch of stuff help out with in our limited time: networking with relevant organizations to start discussion groups around food, doing outreach around town, starting a group/s through TLC farm, working on the local action resource sheet, etc.

Then we headed over to pioneer square to meet up with paxus and willow, and roly poly, willow's stuffed tiger. I sat in the back with willow on the ride home, and we chatted about the river, many bridges, the weather (he'd read a paper and updated me on the highs and lows for the week). he also explained that if you flametorch sand, it turns into glass, and if every cell in your body was the size of sand, your body would be the size of a building.

Back at the farm, we had some lunch, then I headed out into the garden and blazing sun(!!!) for some hoeing and weed pile transport. At some point, a group of kids arrived for their regular work day, high schoolers from a local private school that is democratically run with the kids. They were really sweet and engaged, and very hard working. I helped a couple of them transplant peppers in the green house, and at the end of the shift we all circled up and reflected on the afternoon.

After that I tracked down one of the cedar moonies for a systems and structures interview: one of our projects here is to interview all the members about what's working and what's not under the current systems, structures, and policies, then present this information with some proposed solutions. We sat in the shade, munching on popcorn and chatting about the underlying problematic dynamics in the community.

After meditating, I went straight over to supper around the big round table, sushi tonight, with lots of wasabi and some cucumber salad, super yum!! Then 8 of us loaded into Grandpa, Russ's giant oldschool truck, complete with a wobbly horse on the dashboard. We filled up all the seats, so paxus and brush, with his injured foot, sat in open cab (legal in Oregon if you've filled all the seatbelts). We were going to a meeting of ReCode Portland, a group of folks based out of TLC farm that is working to change the building codes in the city to accommodate sustainable and green building (composting toilets, dense living spaces, cob out buildings, etc). It was totally edifying to observe their organizational process. The conversation vaccilated between big picture visioning, and concrete, immediate actions to implement that vision.

After the meeting, we stopped at the People's co op for organic coconut milk ice cream (cherry amaretto for me), and then headed home. After briefly checking in with sky, and sharing the rest of my ice cream, a few of us met at the moonlit stage for a small women's full moon gathering. The night was balmy and bright, we called in the directions and then took turns sharing and checking in. Even though each of us is in a very different place in our own life journey, there were tons of overlaps, a great reminder that we are all part of larger cycles that are bigger than the stories we make about them.

Now willow is snoring, sprawled out on the air mattress. Sky is snuggled in bed, waiting for me to crawl in next to him, and I feel very awake and charged. I have meaningful work that i'm excited about, i'm living on a beautiful farm, I get to work outside in the dirt, ride my bike all the time, talk with engaged, inspiring people, engage in projects that are exciting and meaningful, develop as a musician, and share it all with a loving, brilliant, feminist, compassionate, endlessly patient, cuddly bundle of love...I feel very full.

longing to root

i just got off the phone with a soul sister (and brand new mama) back in virginia. it was a relief to share some of my creeping doubts and insecurities and hear them reflected back and refracted through her lens. being in a new place and community, its hard to find outlets for this stuff and it just FESTERS and gets all scary and grnarly inside my brain. my biggest doubt/confusion right now is the seeming potential conflict between my life desires and sky's.

i feel ready to root, dig down deep and plant my feet. build community around me, shake things up, foment revolution; YES, absolutely. but i want that to come out of a deep sense of home and rooted connection. sky's energy is explosive right now--enough to set off a dozen revolutions. i don't want to hold him back from that, i want to fully support and participate in that...and there's this seed of doubt, that right now in our lives we are seeking fundamentally different things.

i recently read a quote from Abraham-Hicks, something to the effect of: stop asking other people what you ought to do--give them a break for once. go inside, get quiet, the answers are there waiting for you.

a seed grows in portland

from the osho zen tarot deck:

The seed cannot know what is going to happen, the seed has never known the flower. And the seed cannot even believe that he has the potentiality to become a beautiful flower. Long is the journey, and it is always safer not to go on that journey because unknown is the path, nothing is guaranteed.

Nothing can be guaranteed. Thousand and one are the hazards of the journey, many are the pitfalls - and the seed is secure, hidden inside a hard core. But the seed tries, it makes an effort; it drops the hard shell which is its security, it starts moving. Immediately the fight starts: the struggle with the soil, with the stones, with the rocks. And the seed was very hard and the sprout will be very, very soft and dangers will be many.

There was no danger for the seed, the seed could have survived for millennia, but for the sprout many are the dangers. But the sprout starts towards the unknown, towards the sun, towards the source of light, not knowing where, not knowing why. Great is the cross to be carried, but a dream possesses the seed and the seed moves.

The same is the path for man. It is arduous. Much courage will be needed.

Osho Dang Dang Doko Dang Chapter 4

my work is to push myself to be in uncomfortable spaces, and then push myself to be comfortable in those spaces.

emma goldman and The Future

"I Want Freedom, the Right to Self-Expression, Everybody's Right to Beautiful Radiant Things" -emma goldman

yay for Seattle! our last stop before landing in portland, we're here for strictly scientific purposes. The Emma Goldman Finishing School, our primary research subject and our digs while in town is a 10 year old, 10 person income sharing collective house in the quiet, hill-top neighborhood of Beacon Hill. Emma's has worked out a complex system to simplify income sharing and labor distribution, using a computer program dubbed "the gizmo." The folks there share income up to a point: this goes towards food, health care, housing, etc. they also have a personal spending cap, and money earned over that level goes into a social justice project fund.

arriving at emma's has been a big relief, and a well-timed reminder. somehow, amidst all the confusion, fear, uncertainty and anxiety of the past weeks, i'd forgotten a few of my core priorities. i'd forgotten that in addition to playing music and growing food, i'm driven to co-create an egalitarian living environment based around shared values, sharing resources, deep engagement and honest communication. The big-picture stuff is exciting and intimidating: legaleze, real-estate, zoning...but i thrive on the sustainable domestic stuff of gardening, baking bread and granola, and cooking and eating meals together. and i feel called to spread the word by talking to folks about ways to step out of the mainstream and re-engage with ourselves and each other in healthy, radical ways. i believe deeply that the revolution must ripple out from strong, grounded, and loving hearts, and that an important way to do this is to create radical, loving, engaged communities.

i got pretty caught in my fear and anxiety, and was dumping alot of it onto a very stretched and patient sky. last night, he cracked and exclaimed "i'm tired of being in trouble with you about this stuff!!" that was another eye-opening mental shifter. i realized suddenly that i don't have to know What We Are or What We're Doing. all i have to do is love him and let him love me. relaxing into that has been a huge relief.

West Coast Hospitality

Last night, I willingly fell victim to a west coast wolfer. Caught in a bout of loneliness, insecurity, and emotional neediness, I allowed myself to be spiritually violated by a wolf in hippies clothing. As sky said afterward, I "fell right into his eyes." some combination of intense eye-gazing, well-timed compliments, and pure woo-woo BS tore down my defenses and whirled me into la-la land.

On the surface, it looked perfectly innocent--just casual conversation and foot-rubs exchanged on the couch. But when I finally pulled myself away to go check in with a very agitated Sky hiding out upstairs, my body was shaking uncontrollably from the massive influx of coursing, ungrounded energy. Sky quickly doused my flame with his look of incredulity, telling me that this dude was a vampire who preyed on women.

It took quite a while to shake myself loose of space-dude's energetic grip; some vigorous yoga and a long hot shower helped, but even during the next morning's meditation session, my mind was still racing with anxiety and fear. It really threw me to see my self-destructive blind spots in action.

Later, reflecting on the whole scenario with sky, I realized that a lot of my emotional and sexual desire towards men is rooted in a yearning for groundedness, real or perceived. Since I often have trouble grounding my own energy, I feel pulled towards people who are (or seem) calm, solid, grounded. In a way, its me passing the buck, shirking my own responsibility to center and process my own shit by resting in the ease and comforting solidity of someone else's peaceful presence. Sky's groundedness is a large part of my attraction to him--but he's also got a strong manic side...and that part of him has, at times, triggered doubts in me about whether or not we are a good match. There's a part of me that craves deep and quiet calmness, in myself and in my relationships with other people. How can I honor that without giving away my power to skeezy poser freaks?

So I'm trying to take this experience as a strong reminder that its unrealistic and even potentially dangerous to rely on someone else to do my grounding work for me. And to cast a suspicious eye on premature foot-rub offers.

Rock and a Hard Place

My partner Sky and I have been together two and half years now, and in that time our relationship has fluctuated from totally open to totally monogamous, and everything in between. We work hard to be honest with ourselves and each other, and to take responsibility for our own part in the challenges and difficulties that arise.

A year and half ago, Sky said he wanted to move back to the West Coast (he grew up in northern California and the Bay area). I'd already decided to leave Twin Oaks but hadn't figured out my next destination. We were both ready to explore community and revolution out here in babylonia, and the woo-woo hippie progressive vibe of the Pacific NW seemed like a good next stop to me. Over the next year and half, we each spent chunks of time traveling and exploring on our own. I went to Israel and did a Jewish Farming/Community internship, he did an initial West Coast communities exploration, both of us still based at Twin Oaks. Our friends, his family, my band and the sense of ease and comfort there kept pulling us back.

March 7th was the day we finally headed west in a heavily laden rental car. The plan was to do a more in-depth exploration of West Coast possibilities, and if we found It, stay put. Our relationship has always been the strongest when we are collaberating on shared projects, like publishing The Leaves, (Twin Oaks' newsletter), planning workshops on cooperative decision making, or doing speaking gigs about Twin Oaks. We've been on this travel jab just over a month now, and our relationship is the strongest its ever been. Visiting friends and family, networking with other community minded folks, hiking and biking in beautiful places and visioning a creative and socially engaged life....

But the reality is actually painful and complex. Sky's family, his two co-parents and six year old son are very rooted at Twin Oaks, and not very interested in uprooting to the West Coast. Sky was 21 when Willow was born; Hawina and Paxus, Willow's other two parents, were quire a bit older. The three parents worked out a “circus clause” for Sky, since he was jumping into this kid-and-family adventure at such a young age. The circus clause gave him free reign to take off for a year or so, to explore the world in way that isn't really possible when you are a full time parent. But a year's exploration is pretty different from bi-coastal parenting.

So here we stand: after 5 years of centering my life around Twin Oaks Community, I'm psyched and ready to jump into an urban environment and explore musical projects, build community and create and demonstrate radical life alternatives in a way that has a higher and more direct impact on more people. It's exciting and attractive to envision doing this with Sky—my partner, best friend, lover, emotional support, and co-conspirator in imaging and creating radical alternatives and revolutionary adventure schemes.

Sky would probably ditto all of that, and....his kid, his precious, precocious, sweet, cuddly, rambunctious, brilliant kid, and his two amazing, dedicated, radical, engaged parents are all 2,825 miles away on the opposite coast. And that's where it all stops making sense, logic flies out the window, and my stomach turns over and wrenches. Its hard to even imagine the “right” way to make this decision: is it better to be a long distance parent who is engaged in a fulfilling life, albeit all the way across the country? Or is it more important to sacrifice dreams and plans to be a hands-on parent, fully immersed in the day-to-day reality of parenting? I'd really like to to recuse myself from the whole decision making process, steer clear and let Sky and the Star Family work it out for themselves. But at this point, my life is totally enmeshed with Sky's on every level.

So, instead of running and hiding, i think that thing to do is work on holding emotional space for Sky to feel his way through this decision and try to let my own reactions and attachments play out with out feeding them (these range from NO DON'T GO! to NO DON'T LEAVE YOUR KID!), and stay engaged and open while letting go of hopes and expectations for the future of our relationship.

I wish there were a guide book out there for this sort of thing.